Problems in the bedroom...

[CordeliaJ]

Hi girls, I'm not quite at 3rd tri yet, but I figured I'd ask about this here because I'm nearing the end of second tri and I'm quite big so you may be able to relate.

DH and I have been struggling to get our sex life sorted for the last month or so. Our go-to positions went out the window a while back and while we have tried loads, nothing seems to work well for us - part of it is me because I'm almost always uncomfortable, and part is DH as he says he's petrified about crushing the baby (even though I keep telling him that won't happen).
On top of that, I think the pressure is getting to him and he's having 'performance' issues now. I've told him it's normal and the bump is a big disruption to our sex life, so it's bound to have an effect, but he keeps calling himself a failure. I can't seem to make him understand that it's ok, and frankly it's hard to keep things romantic when there's a baby in the way, so that doesn't exactly help the mood either.
Sometimes I suggest just taking a break, we'll watch something perhaps, cuddle, and try again later. That usually works, but if I start taking a while to finish (usually because I'm just uncomfortable in whatever position we're in) then he starts having issues again. I keep reminding him that it will take me longer to get there than it used to, and it's nothing to do with him, but then he starts feeling like it's his fault again. I can't seem to get through to him that there are a lot of changes and none of it is his fault, and it's just temporary.

Has anyone got any advice? I hate that he feels like this and as much as I love our baby, I can't help but wish I had my body back just briefly so I can really BE with my husband the way I could before.

 

[jennyuk]

having a good sex life isn't just about the actual event in my opinion! Intimacy is a number of things from a kiss and a cuddle to actually having sex to a sly little feel at an inappropriate moment !

My other half is without doubt less attracted to me now that I am pregnant which is ok with me as not every man finds having sex with a pregnant woman attractive, he even said he can't wait for his old Mrs back! (although the "fetish" market for pregnant woman is huge and I have made a large amount of money just chatting to men on webcam while pregnant and I am not ashamed to admit it). Because of this we don't have sex as often as we used to and instead find other ways to be intermat for example more foreplay or even me just pleasuring him which I enjoy just as much! Another alternative is him pleasuring you with toys in whichever position is comfortable for you although that isn't for everyone.

I often find that sex becomes a thing of numbers of times in a week and it seems to be the question on everyones mind....my advice, just role with how you both feel at any one time and don't put so much pressure on the situation.


Hope this post wasn't too full on, I tried to tone it down a little lol. I work in the "adult" industry so often answer these sort of questions

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

My hubby is also pretty nervous now and convinced he'll do something that hurts the baby. We've switched to "other methods" like hand jobs and a vibrator and that works really well. We can still relax and have fun, and hubby isn't worried and I'm not uncomfortable, so it's the best of both worlds!

If he's having a hard time understanding the changes, maybe take him to the next check up appointment, and discuss it with your medical provider. Maybe hearing it from a doctor/midwife/nurse/etc that it's perfectly normal will help him realize it's just part of pregnancy and nothing he is doing wrong.

 

[CottlestonPie]

DH and I gave up on sex a good few weeks ago. Twin bump and spd just made it far too uncomfortable. I don't mind as I've totally lost my sex drive for now, but it does mean I can focus on him which I enjoy anyway and he's pretty chuffed as he's getting more blowjobs than he used to lol

 

[CordeliaJ]

Thanks for your replies, they're really helpful, and I'll try suggesting a few things when I get home tonight.
I would love to just focus on him, but he's one of those guys who can't seem to enjoy himself unless he sorts me out too. Perhaps we can do one then the other, I'm determined to find something that will work!
No idea if he finds me less attractive now, I think if he did he wouldn't dare tell me, although I feel much less attractive in myself in any case.
He's not great with change and I think he's too focused on sex being the same as it was before, definitely not number of times, but anytime we did it before it was pretty awesome. Going from awesome to awkward is obviously really affecting him, and probably me too. I think if I tell him that this is quite common and briefly mention this thread, maybe he'll feel better. Fingers crossed!

 

[Mel_jj]

I think the other posters have pretty much suggested everything else I would have suggested ie think about more foreplay etc and intimacy in a different way, I like you have a guy who isn't happy unless I am getting some pleasure as well! lol!

Luckily we are still ok with sex as well but we do have a lot more foreplay beforehand as well. Positions that we have found work for us are DH lying on his side then me on my back at a right angle to him with one leg between his legs and then the other on top of his hip (hope that makes sense) kinda like a banana split , doggy style, me on my back with my bum right up to the edge of the bed and him standing (this is similar to missionary but no weight on your front so no chance of squishing baby), spooning, me on top, or him sitting and me on top but facing away from him! Sorry if that was TMI

It can be done and we are still having great sex you just have to really use your imagination! All the above as well you can always help your self out at the same time if you know what I mean

 

[CordeliaJ]

Thanks Mel, yeah I think we just need to do more foreplay and other stuff. We've tried all those positions, but he doesn't like being out of his comfort zone, and doggy makes him, ya know..more quickly, so he always wants to avoid that one. Our bed is also useless as it's too low to have him stand up, if that makes sense. All of this contributes to why it's difficult, because we can't find a position that just works, and I can no longer put my legs in the air (which I used to love, haha).
I hope we find a way, but it's good to know that this is quite common, and that not everyone has it easy with pregnancy sex. I think he and I both were starting to feel like it was just happening to us!