Problems with an angry, disrespectly 7 year old.

[belle254]

Hi all Firstly, this problem isn't for my own child, it's with my brother who is 7 1/2, who lives with me, OH, our mum and our sister.

Bit of background info:
He's the youngest in our family and has had a bit of a temper on him since he was little (aged 1-4 were exceptionally hard!). There's a big age gap between him and our sister (19) and me (21). Our parents have recently moved in to separate houses, but luckily this hasn't seemed to affect him much- as in he doesn't act any different to how he has the last 2 years. He does ok at school and has a few friends, everythings fine except for his attitude.

He answers back, constantly argues, doesn't show any respect for any family adults except our dad (whom he does answer back to sometimes, but he's quite strict with him, so its not often) and generally annoys everybody on a regular basis with his constant whining ("Whyyyy can't i have the television on, whyyyyy can't i have my own playstation, whyyyyyy do i have to eat my dinner.") and not sure how relevent this is but thought id mention it anyway- he's addicted to anything with a screen e.g. laptop games, television, and more recently watching my OH's ps3.
A good example is this afternoon. Our dad dropped him back at our house after a day out with him and he started whining about how he'd had all his computer time (it's limited to an hour a day but he's allowed to earn more through doing small chores, spelling, reading or homework) but wanted to earn more. Our mum said she'd think of something after he'd played by himself for a bit. He whinged and whined for 5 minutes until she gave up and said that if he did a handwriting sheet he could have 20 mins on the computer. He did said sheet, whinging the whole time about how he hated it and couldn't do it and generally making high pitched annoying noises. we ignored this. he did the sheet and by this time his dinner was ready, so he was told he could have his earnt 20 mins after dinner. this ended with a barrage of insults and whining- "WHYYY do i have to eat my dinner, i hate it, its disgusting. i want the computer time now." - and when he was refused- "you all hate me and don't care about me, i'm not eating it." etc etc. you get the gist! our mum responded to this by ignoring him completely, which has been her chosen method of dealing with his behaviour for the past years, and obviously doesn't work. Now he did eat his dinner after 20 minutes, but its the rudeness that goes with it that i'm worried about. i dont want my child witnessing it and copying it, as in my opinion manners don't cost a penny and children should be taught to show adults respect and at least say please and thankyou.

I know that a lot of his behaviour is down to his parents and their strategies. Their relationship was not the best and my brother witnessed a lot of arguing and disrespect between them from an early age. They are aware of this but did not manage to scale it down so that he didn't notice/was affected. I've started to become more annoyed by his obvious disrespect to our mum (i don't put up with his sh**, which he knows and tells mum i'm being mean..!) mainly due to the fact that our own child is on the way and i don't want them copying my brother's attitude and behaviour.

Basically, i know i have to talk to our mum about this, but she hates confrontation and i was wondering if anyone had any strategies or ways of dealing with rudeness/disrespect that i can present to her as an option? xx

 

[seoj]

Sounds like you have a good idea where this behavior steems from... and maybe he hasn't had the best boundaries or rules which can lead to being disrepectful as some kids will feel they should get whatever they want... and understanding and learning to change that behavior is NOT easy. I won't lie. LOL. BUT- it certainly can be done in time with patients and very clear rules. It will for sure be hardest on the parents- as sticking to rules can be very frustrating and difficult.

I can't say what may or may not help specifically with your brother- as not all kids respond to changes the same. Some coupe better- as, deep down, they WANT rules and boundaries - even if they say they don't. While others will lash out worse for a while till it truly sinks in they aren't going to get their way ALL the time.

One thing that might help- is not to just say 'No'- but to offer choices. He's still young enough he may feel like he's getting to decide, but not really. If that makes sense. For instance... if he asks to play his Wii- instead of saying, not now or No- the parent could say "you can go play outside or read a book"... so you are giving him options, but only ones the parent is actually comfortable with (whatever that may be). So he can still chose- but its limited. If he pushes to play the Wii still... then say, right now these are your choices- what do you want to do. Eventually, he'll catch on that he has choices and pick one... then, as a reward at some point later on, he could play the Wii.

Honestly, I would also recommend counseling. If he has behavior issues because of things he saw or was around while growing up- there might be some pretty deep routed issues underlying his behavior. My SD has gone to a counselor since she was very little due to things her mom did when she was little... and it has helps her SO much. She still goes as a teenager cause that is what she knows- and she get's how helpful it can be at times. It was also helpful to us to talk to the counselor at times and discuss ways to better deal with some of her behavior "issues"- I hate even saying that, but she would act out sometimes because of anxiety caused by things she saw as a small kid. But over the years it's gotten SO much better because we have always stuck to the rules we set for her and helped her coupe and kept an open line of communication. Not always an easy thing to do- but it goet easier and easier as she grew and was better able to understand and deal with her own emotions.

Not sure how you can approach your mom- you know her best. Maybe just tell her how much you love and respect her and only want your brother to do the same. That you are willing to help when/if needed... but you feel that something needs to change. Just let her know how YOU feel... and don't place blame or bring up old issues- just keep it simple and about what you feel and how your brother is behaving now.

Hope some of that helps hun! Best of luck and what a lucky LO you will have You'll be a great mom!

 

[belle254]

Thankyou for your help! I'd never have thought of counselling, i've always thought he's a bit young, being only 7 1/2. But then my sister had counselling for for some issues shes had so i suppose our mum might not be averse to the idea.
The only problem is that we've had discussions/arguments about the way my brother is with adults over the years and its mainly me and our dad who have a problem with it. my mums quite soft and doesn't like to feel like she's being too hard on him. we all have a major dicussion and agree on certain things to do and she just doesn't too it and we mention this to her and she tells us to stop critisizing her.
Take this morning, they were running late for school and he wanted to take a toy in that was breakable and quite expensive. Our mum said no, we need to go now, put it down and he flatly refused, just saying "MUM, stop it. just stop it. i'm taking it." and carried on! She ended up threatening him with less computer time, which didn't work because she's never consistent.
Looks like it time for a talk with mother dear...

 

[seoj]

Well best of luck hun! And I think any age is OK to seek counseling... I want to say my SD was maybe 5? or even younger? She was only 2 when things got really bad with her Mom- so my hubby got her into counseling at a pretty young age. It's just always been a great thing for her... so, of course, I totally recommend

Hope all goes well when chatting with your Mom... she may be struggling with her own stuff as well. Obviously I don't know all that is going on- but it almost seems like she is just too spent to argue with your brother, so he's getting his way more than he needs. It's certainly frustrating and difficult at times to stick to what we say as a parent- and sometimes it's just easier to "let it go"- but kids are smart, they pick up on that and can certainly take advantage when they know they can.

Kudos to you for trying to help your Mom and making positive changes