Problems with my daughter, I am scared of this happening...

[tuesday]

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...cond-born.html

The reason I say this is because before now me and my daughter had a good relationship, if she was naughty she was punished and accepted her punishment.
Now she fights me, only yesterday I refused to allow her to eat chocolate before her tea (beef steak and veg) and she threatened to phone the police and tell them I am starving her (by the way she is the tallest in her class and a little chunky) I ignored her and just repeated if she carries on she won't have the chocolate even after tea, she followed me into the back garden while I carried a bin to the back on the garden to empty water out only for her to block the path, I told her to move, stop being silly and go and eat, she refused and pushed the bin into my belly.

She was sent to the hall and she just kicked and screamed. I don't know what to do?? We have always managed to discuss what happened and why.
I spoke to my husband (he works away and he comes home every 2 weeks for a weekend) and he says 'oh just smack her', I don't think smacking helps. Today she wasn't allowed to wear her sandals, have pop in her water bottle or use her scooter to go to school with but these punishments are not that effective, she forgets about them as soon as she leaves the house.

She really wanted a baby sibling and has been going on about it for years, I have not ignored her in any way, and is involved with anything baby. It seems she sees me as weak now I am pregnant and she doesn't have to listen to me.

Sorry I have rambled on but I don't really have anyone to talk to and OH just gets angry and says smack or he says shes 6 and you can't control her like its my fault.

 

[DottyLottie]

Sorry you are having such a hard time!
Can I confirm your daughter is 6? You don't mention this until the bottom of the post, and until then I thought she sounded like a teenager!

I agree that smacking her is not really a solution.
I have issues like this with my children too, sometimes I think it is their age, other times they are reacting to circumstance but are not mature enough to articulate or explain why they are feeling frustrated, and it ends up coming out in a massive strop.

I tend to give them time out, then later when we are BOTH calm, I sit her down and talk it through calmly. Granted often, when I ask why they reacted so badly, I get the usual "I dunno", but at least I am able to explain and get their agreement on how their behaviour was unacceptable and only served to make their request (in your case chocolate before dinner) less likely to be granted.
The fact that she shoved a bin at you though is very unacceptable, I would suggest a punishment for this and explain how dangerous lashing out like that can be.

Again, sorry you're having a hard time with this, I hope you can work it out

 

[Knonie]

I've been having problems with my 5 year old recently and we've finally got to the bottom of it all... its all to do with her little world being turned upside down - Is your daughter your only child? If she's gone 6 years without having to share you she's probably just scared of how her life is going to change..

Is she playing up at school too? Only I was told by my friend (who is a very experienced foster carer) that happy children tend to play up where they feel safest - so if you're only having problems at home then she's probably just communicating her fear to you.. Reassure her that you'll still have mummy/daughter time... etc... We've just found out we're having a boy and this has really helped as I've been able to say that she won't have to share her Barbies and we can still have girlie time which he can't share etc and her behaviour is much better.

She was also scared about waking up and finding me not here as we've been talking about me going into hospital and trying to start preparing her is case I've to stay in a little while (I'm not planning to, but had to last time!) and consequently she's been getting separation anxiety which has been a nightmare but we're getting to the end of that too now.... so if you've had any conversations over the last few weeks which she might be worrying about, maybe that's it??!

Hope you get it sorted as its horrible when they're not being themselves and no smacking won't help - until you know what's getting to her just being firm with discipline will make her feel much more secure...

K
xx

 

[aob1013]

Maybe she is reaching that challenging age, where they are starting to develop their own opinions and values

Have you tried completely ignoring the behaviour?

x

 

[tuesday]

Thanks ladies, I think she has got used to the fact that she is not going to be the only 'girl' which I think she found hard. I have had to put my foot really down with her and told her what could happen if she hurts my belly. She did get upset at the seriousness of her behaviour but has not hit me since plus she is pretty much herself again

She was also having a few problems with friends at school which also effected her behaviour at home.

She is preparing for the baby now with a teddy keeping the babies swing warm and a doll in the moses basket I really think she will make a wonderful big sister x

 

[lushious09]

she sounds like she has some underlying issue hun, maybe sit down and ask her why she gets so angry and if anything is bothering her... explain that her behaviour is not acceptable and as she may be 6 year old she is living under your roof eating your food and under your responsability so as much as she may feel she can do what she wants she is still a child and should respect you.

Maybe start a rota of good behaviour? if she behaves for a week maybe get her a little treat... it gives her something to look forward to and a reason to behave... usualy agressive attitude back to a child just encourages it... so i would be very calm with her when she gets ratty

for eg when she wouldnt eat her tea tell her that you wont be buying chocolate anymore until she learns that she should respect you and that her tea is to be eaten first... then leave it at that... let her scream as much as she likes and just ignore it... once she calms down speak to her and explain why you have done what you have! /

 

[inkdchick]

I am having problems with my 16 year old , but she knows her own mind and i have to let her make the mistakes so that she learns by them, we all learnt that way

 

[samone00]

im sorry if this seems harsh but whoop her ass before she starts hitting you

 

[Feltzy]

I don't think hitting her will help either hun, I find it effective when I send Evie to her room, or tell her she can't have treats i.e. going to soft play/sweets that kind of thing. I think if you did smack her you could potentially aggrevate the situation. There is probably a reason behind her behaviour, like you say she is feeling apprehensive about the birth of your next baby and having trouble at school, and its best to get to the bottom of the problem rather than smacking her, which will just make her feel worse.

It looks like you've got to the bottom of it though hun, it must be hard with your OH being away so much, I'm practically pulling my hair out by the time my OH comes home from work!

 

[inkdchick]

Tuesday , she is 6 they go through lots of changes and when they feel safe at home in their surrounding as they are and have been and then suddenly the realisation of she is going to have to share mum and dad, then thats really hard for her to deal with.
You need to sit down and talk to her in a way that she likes to talk, ie: while drawing or colouring in , involve he in thinking about what sort of clothes or colours she would like to see the baby dressed in, what colour do she think baby's bedroon should be, give her some responsibility in the baby's new to be surroundings and then she can say she did that for the baby, where to the best place would be to put things in the room , things like that.
Sorry if it sounds a little full on but i have done child psychology for a few years now and with smaller children and she is just feeling like she doesnt know where she will fit in and is making herself heard to make her mark in the family ranking order, its not going to be easy or instant (maybe), but she just needs constant reassurance and hugs everyday , spend an hour just hugging watching her programmes with her and tell her that when baby is asleep that this will happen every day and this will be your ( her) special time with Mum. Hitting doesnt do any good and only sends out a message that its ok to Hit sorry !.
Good luck and let me know how you get on x

 

[inkdchick]

But sending her to her room , the problem with that is thats the place where she relaxes to sleep, try a spot on the stairs or in the hall, the places that are social and not her space, sorry i hope you dont mind me chipping in

 

[Feltzy]

But sending her to her room , the problem with that is thats the place where she relaxes to sleep, try a spot on the stairs or in the hall, the places that are social and not her space, sorry i hope you dont mind me chipping in

No not at all hun I never thought of it that way. Although I did once say to her 'come on Evie its bedtime' and she said 'but I've not been naughty mummy' so I definitely agree. I don't do it often though, threatening to take away her treats normally does the trick for me. I'll try naughty step next time though!

 

[inkdchick]

yeah definately it does work dont use a cushion from home to sit her on if you are thinking of using one buy one specially as then they will only have an assoication with that cushion as being the naughty one and not the sofa !!

Sorry i jsut read how i put my other post im so sorry it sounded so blunt it wasnt intended that way, i just want ed to help ease things for you, especially thinking of bedtimes x

 

[Feltzy]

yeah definately it does work dont use a cushion from home to sit her on if you are thinking of using one buy one specially as then they will only have an assoication with that cushion as being the naughty one and not the sofa !!

Sorry i jsut read how i put my other post im so sorry it sounded so blunt it wasnt intended that way, i just want ed to help ease things for you, especially thinking of bedtimes x

It wasn't blunt at all hun, I'm always open to new ideas and I appreciate the advice, especially when it comes to discipline! Evie's only 3 but she's a little madam, she acts like a teenager

 

[inkdchick]

in my professional opinion and that iof a mum of two teenage daugters 18 and 16, then i would agree that getting her in a routine of proper behaviour now is an excellent idea this young the younger the better and then they grow that way too. I must admit i didnt have too many problems with my daughters as i involved them in everything from the start, and when my work ( house) was done, then it was playtime when they were small , i would take them for a walk first even when raining and then we would paint or draw or chalk ( i painted the bottom half of their bedroom door with balck board paint and invested in a rubber mat and they used to chalk on there , they never wrote on walls or anywhere they shouldnt have so there's an idea if you want one ! xx