Problems with the Father

[LauraBee]

Some background info:
We met through college last year, both no longer attending
Live about twenty five miles apart, neither of us drive so we're looking at buses & trains
We were in a semi-serious relationship when I fell pregnant
Ended about two weeks before finding out I was pregnant
Haven't seen each other since June

Story
So, after getting over the initial shock he said that he wanted to support me. Then college finished and I didn't hear from him whatsoever for over two months. Just before my twenty week scan he called me and apologised for not contacting me earlier or being around etc etc. I decided that it's ultimately his choice on how much involvement he wants, so I forgave him and we started texting regularly about baby stuff.
My problem is that I have always invited him to any appointments and ultrasounds and I either get no reply at all or he says he'll be there and then have an excuse at the last minute.
The most recent one was when he was supposed to come and see me. We had planned the visit for four weeks and we were really overdue some important conversations and decisions regarding the baby, but he never bothered to sort things out at work, so it never happened.
When this happens, I obviously get upset and don't bother talking to him unless he contacts me first. I'm still pretty mad at him at the moment, but if I had the money then I would visit him and just tell him that I need real support and involvement not just promises of it.

I feel like it's not quite real for him yet, considering the last time he saw me I was only eleven weeks pregnant and he hasn't really been there for any of those "exciting" moments that make it real (scans, hearing heartbeats, feeling movements, etc) and I'm close to giving up on him all together. What can I do to motivate him to be properly involved?

 

[MissFox]

I think that you are doing the right thing by inviting him but it is ultimately his decision and you need to stop couting on his word. At least until he proves it to you. I'm sorry that you're going through this but you seem to be doing as well as you can. Just know that he's like this now and as sad as it seems he might change once he meets your baby but he might not. I don't think that there is a lot you can do to motivate him besides just letting him know what's going on. If he doesn't want to meet to have the important discussions tehy become your decision to make. You need to let him know that too. He is forfeiting his right to make decisions when it comes to the baby.
I hope he comes around

 

[Tanara]

Is there anyway you could take videos of the heart beat ect and send them to him, maybe that will make it feel real?

 

[meggabear]

sorry for butting in if not welcome. but for some guys it takes the actual physical holding of the LO to have it hit a hard reality. my DH admitted this to be true, where he was there and supportive it just didn't feel " physically real" yet, and for guys they need to actually hold it and see it for it to sink in. i like the idea the previous poster mentioned about sending him vids of the heartbeat and actual moving images of the ultrasound to help. all the best, he may mean well but he definetly needs a fire lit under his bum to be more proactive best of luck.

 

[lauram_92]

i also believe it might hit him after he sees a scan or something. have you shown him scan pictures? if you've invited him then there is nothing more you can do. i am going to be a single parent makes it easier picking out names and stuff. you need to tell him you want him to be more involved.

 

[baby.moo]

Its all up to him on how much he wants to be involved in the pregnancy but once that baby pops out he has to at least give you money. Some guys just arn't ready to be fathers and they wait 10 extra years to grow a pair and take care of the kids.

 

[LauraBee]

Thanks everyone, if I'm completely honest, I personally think it would be easier for me if he had no involvement whatsoever, but I don't want to be the reason for why he does nothing.

I've tried sending him pictures of the ultrasounds but I've never gotten a reply from him. I had some copies made for him that I was going to give him when he visited, to be certain that he's seen them... I've only heard the heartbeat at midwife appointments and I don't have a video from the scans, just photos. I might try to record the heartbeat on my phone at the next appointment and send it to him...

Thanks for all your input but I'm still really frustrated with him and I'm worried that he may not ever get round to seeing the baby when born... I've only got 3 months left, so I guess I'm just gonna have to wait it out and see how things go.