PTSD trying for #2 after long, hard infertility journey

[LadyLovenox]

Not even sure where this post belongs. Figured I'd put it here bc LTTTC'ers can relate to the struggle. I had to do four fresh rounds of ivf and an FET to have my son. On my ivf rounds, I had 8, 14, 15, and 17 eggs collected. I always had 2-3 top quality blasts, but that was it. I was 29 at the time of ivf. They blamed egg quality bc they said more should make it to blast, and didn't. I talked to the director of embryology, however who said he didn't see a problem with my egg quality and that 2-3 blasts is pretty typical, so who knows. Anyway, nothing ever stuck...Not even a chemical pregnancy. They did several uterine biopsies and always found inflammation. They kept saying that shouldn't affect implantation, so they would put my blasts in every cycle and they would not stick. Finally, my Dr read a study on uterine inflammation and how it causes implantation failure, so I was treated for the inflammation. They did a repeat biopsy to make sure the inflammation was gone (which it was), and on the very next round of ivf, 2 stuck and I was pregnant w twins! Unfortunately I lost one at 8 weeks, but still had my beautiful baby boy!! He will be one next month, and I am ready to try for #2. Dh feels that the inflammation was prob our only problem and wants to try on our own for at least 6 months before infertility treatments. I hope and pray that was our only problem, but I'm so used to the worst case scenario happening that it's very very hard for me to stay positive or believe anything would ever happen easily for us. I was in a very very deep depression while ttc #1, and I am afraid of going back to that place. I'm still bitter about all we had to go through, and I'm not sure how to get past that. Im just scared and already feel the anxiety flooding back, as I think about opk's, negative hpt's, etc. I don't really have a question or anything, just wondering if anyone can relate

 

[Mrs. Atole]

I am still ttc #1 2014 but wanted to say you need to put away all the negativity and be grateful for #1 even if when the journey gets hard always look at bby #1 and love on him this will help to remind you what the prize is, also remember you cannot allow yourself to get depressed or anxiety as this can effect your body and baby #1 think positive I wish you luck !

 

[krissie328]

Lady- I am so sorry you are in this place right now. I can completely related. I have a son that took 8 years to conceive. We started ntnp when he was 4 months old and started back down fertility treatment this past January. I didn't realize until we started really trying about a year ago how much the emotional journey of ttc #1 was impacting me as we were going through similar motions for #2. I really struggled with ttc and kept pushing starting fertility drugs because I was constantly struggling with my first journey.

To be honest since January we have had two early losses and now I am so afraid of a third. I am not sure how I will cope if it happens again. Best my doctor can tell me is bad embryos as everything else seems to be fine. (I actually think it is thin lining but cannot get anyone to at least check it.)

My anxiety and depression has definitely started to surface and become more impactful of my life. I just keep trying to pray and remain faithful that it will happen at the right time. DS is the perfect example of that. But it doesn't make the journey any less difficult.

 

[yellowbell]

Lady and krissie, I feel the same way as you both. I also had a hard time TTC # 1 and now that we are trying for #2, I feel like I am back to those struggling days. But yeah, let's try to focus on the positive and get inspiration from it: we did have our baby# 1! Hopefully, this second time around, the journey would not be as difficult and as long as our first one. We can do this!

 

[AshleyButters]

Lady I have C-PTSD so I know the feeling. I am stressed 24/7! Not easy when we are TTC!!!!! You aren't alone.

 

[lipstickqueen]

I had ivf and only two embryos made it to blast. I was very blessed because both were implanted and I have a gorgeous 1 year old son and daughter. I'm going to start trying again soon. Although I'm not going down assisted conception route again. I can't put myself through the stress when I've im so grateful for what I have. Still I would love another.

 

[nessaw]

We took 5 years and 3 losses to get our daughter. We really want to give her a sibling but I'm torn between this and not being able to face ttc and the possibility of loss again. If we do go for it we'll look at starting around nov/Dec time.

 

[Ferry]

Yes, absolutely this. Our DS took 4 years to come along and included 3 miscarriages, 2 of which came from IVF. I can still vividly remember huddling in an empty classtoom, trying to hide from pupils and bawl my eyes out because I was bleeding AGAIN.

We started trying again last August. I got pregnant STRAIGHT AWAY. Wahooh! ... I thought. I also miscarried - straight away. Since then, my cycles have been so messed up, and I had to have part of my cervix lasered thanks to a dodgy smear. Cue more crazy cycles and extended bleeding.

I've told myself that if nothing happens (and sticks) by the summer, we're going back to IVF because, as traumatic as it was, I'm 34 soon... and I'm aware of the tick tick ticking of the clock.

I hate this. So much.

 

[LadyLovenox]

Thank you so so much to each of you who responded and can relate. It's such a hard place to be, and I pray that each of us well have better luck in the journey for our next baby. I've always wanted at least three kids, but if we are fortunate enough to have a second, that'll be it. I can't wait to close the infertility/ttc chapter of my life forever. It is so stressful/frustrating on every level, as you all know, and I look forward to the day when I have no idea what cycle day I'm on!!