Question for you Ladies .....

[kam78]

Hi Friends!!

I just have a short, simple question ... wonders how you feel if someone who has never experienced loosing a baby tries to offer advice or comfort ....

Just wondering.....

 

[mhazzab]

hope I'm not going to offend anyone here...! this is just my own opinion.

I think it depends on the person and how it is done, and whether it is advice, or comfort!

Advice...honestly, I find it irritating coming from someone who hasn't walked in my shoes or gone through this pain. I know they mean well, but how can you understand the loss of a child unless you have been through it. I tend to just ignore what people say. How can they know this pain? I get especially annoyed when they try to compare it to losing someone else. It's not the same as losing a mum/dad/grandparent or anyone else. I've been through these and it is completely different.

As I say, it depends on the person though. I have one friend, who has been a huge comfort to me, and she has never had a loss, as far as I know, although she did have a difficult birth with her first son...but she did seem to manage to seem to say all the right things to me and none of the wrong ones, and I never once found myself asking myself 'who are you to give me advice?'.

I think it depends how the advice or comfort is given...some people seem almost patronising if you know what I mean?

xx

 

[mhazzab]

hehe just realised my answer to your short, simple question wasn't very short or simple, lol x

 

[Andypanda6570]

I would not be rude I mean I would probably listen, cause I know most people do not mean to cause harm, but you see the problem is they think they understand and not realizing they could never understand in a million years I mean I remember how I would feel for the person and really feel sorry but I had NO clue how deep this pain was for a mother I would listen and then gently i would say thank you but the truth of it is you will never understand my pain, but I appreciate you trying too. Unless the person is a complete bitch , then i WOULD WACK A GOOD ONE XOXOOXO

 

[daopdesign]

I have a friend that never wants to have kids but I know she does understand the pain I've been through but agree with the other posts above... I will only take advice from someone I know has gone through a similar thing. I knew woman that had gone through a loss previous to mine but it wasn't until it happened to me that I truly understood x

 

[kam78]

THanks girls!

Yea, It really gets under my skin when someone , who has been fortunate and never had to loose a child, when they give me advice or sometimes even chime in and want to comfort me, it gets on my nerves.... Hateful, I know...

Guess it just depends on my day, but mostly, I just would rather them not say anything at all.... Hate the "I'm sorry's" ecspecially from from them...

And I completely agree....This kind of loss is NOTHING like any of kind .....

 

[Nikki_d72]

I was going to say pretty much exactly what mhazzab said - there's a difference between comfort and advice. I hate unwanted advice, especially when it's from someone who I know hasn't a clue. It makes me want to scream at them but I don't. (not yet, anyway.) I also hate the "comparisons" because it's impossible to explain how that's not the same without sounding awful about their loss and turning it into some kind of "grief competition". I'm constantly racking my brains these days, trying to remember if I've ever done this to anyone else...

As for hating the "I'm sorry's" I know what you mean but I've been more infuriated and hurt by the ones who don't say it, TBH. I get quite offended by folk just saying nothing at all about it and ignoring it - there's been a lot of folk struck off by me for this! I'm at a different stage though so I may get to hate them too.

I have a friend who has no clue whatsoever - she has 3 kids, all birthed at home easily and is due her 4th. She doesn't do scans because she doesn't believe in them and she's all for going with nature and nature has been very kind to her BUT she has never patronised me, she has been the only one to keep listening to me and checking every now and then that I'm OK, she's never really said anything out of order and doesn't offer unwanted advice, so it is possible to have someone there for you that doesn't exactly get it, so long as they are sensitive. I think the difference is she knows she doesn't understand and accepts that, she doesn't try to, she just asks what I need and tries to keep in contact with me, she lets me speak about the boys and listens. Her mum's a midwife, that may be something to do with it. She's definitely not the norm though.

There are days where I really envy her how easy she's had it and how, despite seeing all the aftermath of my loss, she still has faith in nature, the same nature that has been bloody cruel to me and it grates but the logical part of me knows that's not her fault and I wouldn't wish her to lose her way of thinking. I do feel bloody envious of her though - I don't mind admitting that and I'm not a naturally envious person. There will come a time when I'll find it harder to be around her, as she's due a month after I was but I know that's got nothing to do with how she's been around me. I've told her that if I back off not to be offended.

My boss on the other hand is infuriating - she has tried so hard to be there for me but has come out with several of the stupid stock "what not to say"s and keeps comparing it to her experience of when her teenage son was really ill with meningitis (which was obviously horriffic for her but he survived), it really, really grates me, especially as I know she's walking around feeling good that she helped but she's my boss so for now I just have to grit my teeth and avoid talking to her about it. She keeps on about counselling too as I think she thinks it will make me "all better". And this is really, really bad but I can't help but wonder how much of the "support" was real and how much of it was just about getting me back to work. I feel awful for thinking that but now I'm back it all seems to have faded away...

Anyway, I know I may change my thoughts on this at the drop of a hat, as this journey so far seems to make me very changeable but that's how I feel about it just now. I have plenty of irrational thoughts and random anger so who knows how I'll be at 6 months out. However you feel is valid and recognising and acnowledging the feelings is better than denying them, I reckon.

Sorry this turned into a "me, me, me" ramble! xxx

 

[kiki04]

I dont get offended or hurt or on defense at all. They mean well and are trying to help. That is all. Just because they dont understand how I feel doesnt mean I am in any position to resent them for it. If I knew someone who lost a limb, I would not understand how that takes a toll emotionally and physically on them for the rest of their life, but your damn rights Im still going to try my damndest to be there for them and be supportive the best way I DO know how. I may leave the conversation thinking but never would I have negative feelings towards anyone who is trying to help

 

[Hellylou]

I think it depends on the situation:

Most of the people I know in real life haven't experienced this - in fact I only know 2 - both 2nd tri losses. The others can only offer sympathy and the usual words of comfort as best they can, knowing that they really can't imagine how I feel. I don't mind that, and even when they try to compare it to the loss of their own loved one (husband, father, etc) I don't mind too much, as they are just trying to relate the pain somehow. Like others say, it's the ones that ignore it completely that are a bit irritating.

However, in an online forum like this, I would prefer people who have not experienced this kind of loss, who are perfect strangers to me, and often pregnant themselves, not to come to this section and offer comfort. I would never go to the pregnancy sections and talk about my loss there, so I would appreciate the same consideration.

 

[kam78]

Hellylou, Yes, I agree 100% with you ...

I think this completely depends on you, your needs/wants, personallity ...

If someone in my RL was speaking with me, extending a hand of comfort, obviously I wouldn't be rude or be upset with them, I'd listen and thank them, but just as the lady above mentioned, like someone loosing a limb, I do not understand, nor do I hope to never, but I wouldn't try to give my input and sometimes that innocent "i'm sorry" isn't helpful to the one that experienced the loss ... I think people do what helps "them" in the situation, not what the one with the loss needs or wants, that's MY experience anyway ...

I completely understand this is a public, free site and I am extremely greatful for but I just tend to stick to the section that pertains to me ... I never go "snooping" thru anywhere else, ecspecially the loss sections... I feel each section are very personal, and those who post in them are seeking help, support, comfort from others in their same shoes...

Dunno where this crazy thread came from ... Guess it was just a thought/feeling that I felt and wondered if there was anyone else that had those as well ....

It sooo mind boggling how much I have changed since March ... These last 6 months, I have done a complete turn around .... I used to be SO social, loved seeing my friends, going out dancing, shopping, vacationing, just being out..... Now, If I do get out of the house, which I am doing more lately, I tend to just wanna be alone.... Kind of makes me worry a bit... I keep hearing how this can change you but I honestly wasn't expecting this.... Honestly, I don't like this new Kelly ... More subdue, not the fun loving me anymore.... Hoping with time this will change ... Has this been the case for you all?? Do you notice the more time passes the more 'you comes back??? Or is this new person here to stay??

Big Hugs Ladies.... Hope your day is gentle ... Xoxo

 

[winterwonder]

This has nothing to do i don't think with the original question. For the past few weeks we've been having phone conversations with my SIL, who has also previously suffered a miscarriage at 9weeks a few years ago, who had a baby in may, and keeps urging us to come visit her in her new house (we've only seen the baby once in may before we'd told anyone our own news) my OH keeps saying to her we really aren't ready to spend time with her or her family, to which she replies with things along the lines of "i know what your going through, you'll feel different in a months time, the kids are really fun at the moment etc".
I do really like my SIL, but at the moment i just cant bear the thought of seeing her or her family, and they don't seem to be getting the hint that we don't want to see them really till after christmas (which i am dreading).

To answer the original question, i have received comfort in the form of hugs, arm rubbing and squeezing and i'm sorrys from lots of people, and that awful sad look people will give you, which i can deal with, at least i know they have acknowledged my loss.

Advice wise, i've only really received this from people who have gone through this experience, and most of it has been ok, although my boss saying, "you'll have one, dont you worry, i had two after my loss" or "you will get through this wont you, wont you" from drunken bride at her wedding reception, did sort of make me mentally roll my eyes and disengage my brain.

Sorry for the odd ramble! xx

 

[winterwonder]

This has nothing to do i don't think with the original question. For the past few weeks we've been having phone conversations with my SIL, who has also previously suffered a miscarriage at 9weeks a few years ago, who had a baby in may, and keeps urging us to come visit her in her new house (we've only seen the baby once in may before we'd told anyone our own news) my OH keeps saying to her we really aren't ready to spend time with her or her family, to which she replies with things along the lines of "i know what your going through, you'll feel different in a months time, the kids are really fun at the moment etc".
I do really like my SIL, but at the moment i just cant bear the thought of seeing her or her family, and they don't seem to be getting the hint that we don't want to see them really till after christmas (which i am dreading).

To answer the original question, i have received comfort in the form of hugs, arm rubbing and squeezing and i'm sorrys from lots of people, and that awful sad look people will give you, which i can deal with, at least i know they have acknowledged my loss.

Advice wise, i've only really received this from people who have gone through this experience, and most of it has been ok, although my boss saying, "you'll have one, dont you worry, i had two after my loss" or "you will get through this wont you, wont you" from drunken bride at her wedding reception, did sort of make me mentally roll my eyes and disengage my brain.

Sorry for the odd ramble! xx