Question - Want to be sensitive to preemie parents

[MrsKChicago]

Hello ladies. I was hoping to get some advice. My little nephew was born last year at 28 1/2 weeks, for no reason that we can discern. He's doing great, but I know that my brother and SIL still have some very understandable emotional issues surrounding his birth and his nicu stay and the aftermath (breastfeeding trouble, etc).

I'm pregnant with my first now, and I just wanted to check in and get some advice to make sure I don't misstep and dredge up bad memories or say something upsetting. We have a good relationship, so it's not a walking on eggshells, looking for offense situation, I just don't want to hurt them with some stupid comment. Beyond the obvious like not complaining constantly in the third trimester about how much pregnancy sucks and how much easier it would be if the baby would just get out of me already, is there anything I should keep in mind?

 

[vermeil]

How very thoughtful of you, especially so early on.

Yes obviously no complaining in the third trimester. I had a 27 weeker and I stopped visiting that section of the forums (and baby club ha) because I wanted to seriously clock anyone who complained I would get fuming mad!

Beyond that, just small things like keeping the birth announcement sober, not cheerfully announcing how easy it was! But really if you're close they'll be happy for you. Sure it will stir up lots of emotions in them but there is no avoiding that completely. I found it took me 2 years to 'get over' what happened and 3 to be at peace with it.

Is their baby meeting milestones? If he's hitting them a bit late like many early preemies do, perhaps skip the big announcements (ie 6 months old and already sitting up!)

My best friend had her twins 6 months after I had my son. Because it was twins she was provoked a bit early and so didn't had the natural birth she wanted. She cried over this for weeks, confided her feelings of sorrow and loss to me.

Inwardly I confess i could not manage to find even the tiniest shred of sympathy or empathy for her. And I'm a sensitive gal, and this was my best friend! I tried and tried but just couldn't. I secretly resented that it was the worst she could complain of. I felt she was being over the top and ridiculous. My own son flatlined daily for weeks, had confirmed brain damage and was paralysed on the right side the first year. I would have given birth ANY which way with any medication that improved his odds, who cares about natural anything !

But all emotions are valid and heartfelt. Her sorrow though irritating to me was genuine and she was sharing it to me. So I made an effort to say the right things and comfort her. I admit it took a lot of willpower.

Just wanted to share that with you! They will share your joy but yes it will make them sad also.

Hopefully others will have better advice *hugs*

PS being a preemie mom has made me a better person in so many ways. I feel I see the big picture and value what's important in life. I have a baby daughter now and I'm soooo laid back and content with her! No stressing the small stuff.

 

[MrsKChicago]

Thanks for the advice. He's meeting his milestones a little late (he's 10 months now and just getting good at sitting up), but he is getting to them - he's very healthy overall, but I know that doesn't erase everything they've been through (hell, it was terrifying even from the auntie perspective!). I'll keep that in mind before I make a big deal about our little one's development in front of them. I'm not sure that would have occurred to me on my own.

I followed the link in your signature, your little guy is SO cute.

 

[jandksmommy]

I think if you are close to them and refrain from the normal 3rd trimester moaning and groaning, it will all be fine. They are going to feel some pain just because it will be a reminder of their loss (loss of pregnancy, loss of joyful birth etc) but it won't be directed at you and hopefully they can put it aside and celebrate your good fortune and wonderful miracle.

I know with myself, I never felt any resentment towards others who carried to term but I did find myself crying in the memories of my own experience. It's unavoidable and it didn't mean I wasn't 'over the moon' happy for my friends healthy baby and wonderful pregnancy experience, it was just a flood a memories that couldn't be contained. She is going to be 2 this October and is a true miracle who makes me smile everyday but memories of her birth and the first 4 months of her life still make it hard to breath.

Be kind and keep pregnancy comments to a minimum unless they approach the subject but express your happiness, they love you and will want to be a part of your happiness too.

 

[Foogirl]

yep, the only thing pregnant women do that upsets me (other than just being pregnant, which you can't help!) is complain about being pregnant and worse, wish it away. I had one woman at 30 weeks tell me "I just want it out now". That woman got the sharp side of my tongue.

To be honest, the fact you are here and asking the question shows you have enough sensitivity and care about upsetting them tells me you are unlikely to hurt their feelings. You could tell them you are worried about saying the wrong thing and ask them to tell,you if you do.

 

[misspriss]

To be honest, the fact you are here and asking the question shows you have enough sensitivity and care about upsetting them tells me you are unlikely to hurt their feelings. You could tell them you are worried about saying the wrong thing and ask them to tell,you if you do.

Exactly what I was thinking. I also wanted to echo what a lot of women have said, don't moan and groan about being miserable at the end of pregnancy. I would have done anything to have those miserable days.

It did get easier for me now that my LO is up and running around, and we are planning our second child. I have renewed hope that I can have a healthy pregnancy and natural delivery. That and I'm simply marveled at keeping up with our toddler too much to worry about anything else...the terrible memories are not nearly as fresh.

 

[sunnylove]

My SIL is currently in her third trimester and really the only thing that's bugged me that she's said is the assumption that her baby will be late. Like she said this from the very beginning because her first child was born at like 42 weeks, she "knew" that this baby would be just as late, if not later. And I so badly wanted to say, you have no IDEA what will happen! You could get preeclampsia and deliver at 33 weeks. Every pregnancy is different and just because #1 was a cake walk, doesn't mean you should act like you know exactly what will happen with #2.

Not a big offense, and not one you can relate to if you are on #1, but that's the only thing that comes to mind other than the obvious.

 

[RcdM]

I agree with all of the above, but also don't make it a huge deal. I think what Foogirl said is plenty enough - talking to them and just letting them know you don't want to say the wrong thing because you are sensitive to what they've been through shows how much you care already. I would never want my friends to feel like they weren't allowed to post pictures of milestones or share exciting things that happen just because I didn't have that same experience.

I do get annoyed when people "wish" their baby would come early, because like any other preemie mom would agree, we'd do ANYTHING to be miserably uncomfortable and go through any ache and pain we could if it meant our baby made it to full term. I don't wish a premature birth on anyone. But I also understand that the moms who do wish their baby would come early just don't understand. A rather selfish comment but also probably innocent because they don't quite know what that would mean for baby. So I try not to take too much offense.

 

[Srrme]

I think the only thing that bothered me after my premature birth was when women would complain about the 2nd and 3rd trimester, or mention how badly they wanted their baby out (or how the baby would be perfectly fine being born at 35, 36, 37 weeks, etc).

 

[Kiwiberry]

That is so thoughtful and sweet of you . My baby girl was just born almost 2 days ago at 27+6.

 

[MrsKChicago]

That must be scary. How's she doing? I hope she's home with you in no time.

 

[Kiwiberry]

She is doing great, so far so good. Breathing on her own is the biggest thing so far. Thanks so much for asking .

 

[MrsKChicago]

I'm glad to hear that! I hope she continues to thrive.

 

[Kiwiberry]

Like your brother and sistrr, they have no clue why she came so early.

 

[MrsKChicago]

It's amazing, with all our medical technology, that we can't figure out why a baby is born 10 weeks early. We still have no idea why my nephew was so early. It's just a giant mystery. I know SIL didn't do anything risky. I'm just thankful we have the medical technology to keep preemies going, even if we can't always get answers. His first birthday is in a few days, and it's amazing to compare pictures of him now to when he was born.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I get really depressed about it. I did everything right as well.

 

[MrsKChicago]

My SIL really struggled emotionally, too. I can't even imagine how it feels. But I'm glad you know it wasn't your fault. Keep reminding yourself of that. These things just happen, for some crappy random reason. The good news is, in a lot of cases, once you get through the first few years of slightly delayed development, you'd never even know a kid was early.

 

[AP]

I get really depressed about it. I did everything right as well.

Exactly. You did everything right - and you still are!

Please don't beat yourself up about it. I'm afraid there's just things out that doctors haven't figured out yet. I was in the same shoes once upon a time, we even went back through the notes to find out what went wrong 2 years later. They said they can only guess that it was an undiscovered infection, something docs dont even know about yet.

Hang on in there hun!