Quick to judge parents at school

[Dawnlouise30]

Hi.

DS is 5 and is in reception at school. The school is a small(ish), one class per year intake with many of the children living in the local area and many of whom went to pre-school with Ds
At preschool he was boisterous, he pushed others and hit occasionally, feedback from teachers was that it wasn't malicious, he was just high energy and acted before he thought out the situation sometimes. Many of the parents were understanding.
Roll on to school and we had similar boisterous issues in the first half term. We worked closely with school to put plans in place and finally we are seeing real improvements. But for the first half term he did hit a few children because they were first in line or in his way, these children's parents knew him from preschool and had once been understanding they now are not. It's kind of like they have his number - once a hitter always a hitter, but he is not he has calmed loads.
The parents look down at me. Pull disgruntled faces if DS dares say hello to their children (these are his friends and his teacher reports he has great relationships with his classmates). One mum confronted me in the playground over DS alledegidly hitting their child, I was dumbfounded, shocked, embarrassed and upset.
Another parent came to my house to ask if DS had hit her child as said child had a bruise. DS said he accidently bumped into her - this was confirmed by a reacher but still apparently "I'm not willing to accept DS did it" (parents words). I was so angry they came to my house - they live near but we aren't friends. I felt a bit threatened by it - our house is our space, fortunately DS was in the shower when the parent came so he was none the wiser but I'd imagine in a five year olds mind one of your classmates parents at your door could be worrying,when they are accusing him of hitting (there child said Ds caused a bruise).

School have been supportive. I drop Ds at the office so he doesn't have any playground altercations when parents are there and I now pick him up last do most of his classmates and their Judgey parents have left.
In doing this though I feel like I'm somehow hiding from the narrow minded parents that can't get past the fact he is 5. They may have their perfect children and their perfect lives but my life isn't perfect (anxiety and depression) and my children aren't perfect. Fortunately I'm realistic Enough to know this.

Judgey parents make me sad and don't help my stress.

Urghhhhh.

 

[Zephram]

I completely understand that it is hard to deal with. I'm in the opposite shoes to you in that my DS came home from school last week and said two boys in his class had hit him. As a parent your main concern is that another kid is bullying your kid, so I do understand the reaction of the other parents, though IMO is it way over the top to go to someone's house and confront them. 5 year old's do still do reactive little kid things like hit and at their age there is rarely ever anything malicious behind it. Because I understand this I haven't confronted these kids parents and I haven't 'told' to the teacher as I don't think for a one off incident the other kids deserve to get in trouble. I have only asked my son's teacher to let me know if he doesn't seem happy at school. If it was a continuing thing I would definitely ask the school to intervene though.

No parent judges because they think they're more perfect than you or that they're looking down on you, rather they're interested in protecting their children. As long as you are working with the school regarding your son's hitting and you've been talking to him at home about gentle hands or other ways to resolve his feelings than hitting, then you're doing a great job and you can be sure he won't hit forever. Cut yourself a little slack, you are a wonderful, caring mum and things will be okay!

 

[george83]

I completely understand that it is hard to deal with. I'm in the opposite shoes to you in that my DS came home from school last week and said two boys in his class had hit him. As a parent your main concern is that another kid is bullying your kid, so I do understand the reaction of the other parents, though IMO is it way over the top to go to someone's house and confront them. 5 year old's do still do reactive little kid things like hit and at their age there is rarely ever anything malicious behind it. Because I understand this I haven't confronted these kids parents and I haven't 'told' to the teacher as I don't think for a one off incident the other kids deserve to get in trouble. I have only asked my son's teacher to let me know if he doesn't seem happy at school. If it was a continuing thing I would definitely ask the school to intervene though.

No parent judges because they think they're more perfect than you or that they're looking down on you, rather they're interested in protecting their children. As long as you are working with the school regarding your son's hitting and you've been talking to him at home about gentle hands or other ways to resolve his feelings than hitting, then you're doing a great job and you can be sure he won't hit forever. Cut yourself a little slack, you are a wonderful, caring mum and things will be okay!

I agree with this completely. Every parent simply looks out for their own child and sometimes that comes across wrong. Turning up at your house is very extreme though and I too would feel very threatened by this.

I also think it’s sad you feel you have to pick him up late to avoid those parents. It’s never nice being the child that’s always left. Is this just your decision or is there an arrangement that could be worked on?

 

[Dawnlouise30]

Thanks for your thoughts both of you.

I have totally tried to see it from the perspective of the other parents and I do get it. I fully understand that biological drive to look out for your own. I just also know I have enough of a caring nature to realise he is only a child. I also find it sad that he us excluded from things, there has been so many I parties already where he has been the only uninvited child - it sucks.

I honestly think it was them coming to my home that really got my back up. I'm still annoyed by it, but it's happened. I realise I can't change the parents opinions of my son.

Re picking him up last - he is happy to help tidy away (he sees it as a treat). Picking him up last means his classmates are off the school grounds so he doesn't run ahead to them. Him running ahead has been seen as intrusive by a parent (oddly he has a great relationship with her child. The parent just doesn't like him)

 

[Daisendoh2008]

You are a good mom, and I am in awe of your strength. I do agree with the other posts and working with the school is important. If they understand your son and situation, they will be there to back you up. You are doing a great job and again, you are a good mom!!!

 

[MindUtopia]

I think you're right that it's not appropriate for these parents to be confronting you directly. If it's an issue with behaviour occurring at school, then it needs to be addressed directly with the school. You may be a parent, but if it's happening in their care, then they need to know and be addressing it in terms of his interactions there and setting appropriate boundaries. Telling you will only do so much as you aren't there when the behaviour is occurring and can't intervene. So it needs to be a safeguarding issue raised with the school, not just parents being bitchy at each other in the school yard.

That said, that sort of behaviour isn't okay (even if he has 'calmed' loads since starting school). My daughter has a child in her class that she's been in a similar situation with. They've known each other for years at nursery (though weren't really friends at nursery and aren't especially close now). We've had a few incidents of him pushing or hitting her, but mostly verbal abuse (he supposedly does this to the other kids as well, it's not just her). He's told her she is a 'mean person,' taken her drawings away from her and ripped them up, recently told her that he was going to kill her baby brother (I'm currently pregnant and due in the new year), etc. It's been really distressing for her. Personally, I give him and his parents a fairly wide berth in the school yard, for no reason other than we aren't close and he has a tendency to come and harass her while I'm standing there. So we avoid them as I don't think she deserved to be subjected to that. He won't be invited to her birthday and she didn't go to his. That's fine. They aren't friends, he's not nice to her, and we don't force it. But I would never say something to his parents. Any concerns we've only raised directly with the teacher and I've encouraged her to stand up for herself and speak up if he's bothering her by telling a teacher and asking for help, which she's doing. That's the mature way to deal with these things.

 

[Dawnlouise30]

Thanks for your response.

I'm sorry your daughter is having issues with another child.
It's interesting to hear other people's perspectives on this.

I think you're right that it's not appropriate for these parents to be confronting you directly. If it's an issue with behaviour occurring at school, then it needs to be addressed directly with the school. You may be a parent, but if it's happening in their care, then they need to know and be addressing it in terms of his interactions there and setting appropriate boundaries. Telling you will only do so much as you aren't there when the behaviour is occurring and can't intervene. So it needs to be a safeguarding issue raised with the school, not just parents being bitchy at each other in the school yard.

That said, that sort of behaviour isn't okay (even if he has 'calmed' loads since starting school). My daughter has a child in her class that she's been in a similar situation with. They've known each other for years at nursery (though weren't really friends at nursery and aren't especially close now). We've had a few incidents of him pushing or hitting her, but mostly verbal abuse (he supposedly does this to the other kids as well, it's not just her). He's told her she is a 'mean person,' taken her drawings away from her and ripped them up, recently told her that he was going to kill her baby brother (I'm currently pregnant and due in the new year), etc. It's been really distressing for her. Personally, I give him and his parents a fairly wide berth in the school yard, for no reason other than we aren't close and he has a tendency to come and harass her while I'm standing there. So we avoid them as I don't think she deserved to be subjected to that. He won't be invited to her birthday and she didn't go to his. That's fine. They aren't friends, he's not nice to her, and we don't force it. But I would never say something to his parents. Any concerns we've only raised directly with the teacher and I've encouraged her to stand up for herself and speak up if he's bothering her by telling a teacher and asking for help, which she's doing. That's the mature way to deal with these things.