Rant!! I just need to get it out, and cry!!

[Kristalebear1]

My OH and I are going through a bit of an issue. He has a puppy that IS NOT potty trained and is 8 months old, he has had her for 6 months. I am already at my wits end with the dog but he "loves" her.

He wants to hang with coworkers after work one day, I say no he needs to come take care of his dog as she is not my responsibility and that he cant make plans last minute and expect me to accommodate them. Now I should let you all know I am on bedrest, I am not allowed to work, my OB almost yelled at me for failing a stress test (ooppsie haha). my pregnancy is considered high risk for reasons Id rather not get into.

Last week my OH takes Mon-Tues off because he knew about my appts (Ultrasound appt, and Ob appt) he knew over a week in advance because they called his phone to remind me of the appt. On the night before the ultrasound he says he doesnt want to go, and wants alone time, then changes it and says he took the days off to hang with a co worker (saying he didnt know of the appts even though he TOLD me the appt time HA!) I told him whatever do go. The day of we get into a fight, and I tell him his daughter is more important than Laser Tag. And Im PISSED. He goes to the ultrasound after I tell him not to, saying he "wants" to all of a sudden. (On a positive note we got to see our beautiful baby girl)

Today he texts me and says he wants to go to laser tag tomorrow with his buddies. I say no, telling him he needs to find a dog sitter since he refuses to potty train his dog, and I am not supposed to be going up and down three flights of stairs multiple times a day (My OB told me to limit how often im going up and down them) and she is not my responsibility. I also tell him, telling me the day before is not advance. Not to mention I was planning on surprising him with a movie date tomorrow, and he throws a fit he cant go with his friends. And says he hates surprises and I should of told him etc. (I wasnt mad about the movie thing btw, I didnt expect him to know of a surprise haha) I told him I was trying to be romantic something he has obviously forgotten exists.

My OB gets on me all the time about how much energy im putting into this puppy and how im putting my baby at risk, he doesnt understand that. He doesnt get the dog stresses me out and that I constantly have to watch her so a few more hours really is hard on me. He doesnt get that he has spent no time with me.

He complains we dont have sex, but the reason I havent been wanting to is because he comes home and plays on his phone, makes no attempt to spend time with me, wont help around the house, and then says we see eachother "all the time" when I say I want time together. All the time apparently is the hour he is home on his phone before eating dinner and going to bed. Literally we say 8 words to eachother some nights. And it hurts me, because I feel like he puts me on the back burner. Then when I come to bed he gets irritated when I dont take his pushing his you know what into my behind as he cuddles me as a romantic way to initiate sex and I dont want to.

I feel so neglected, and alone. I spent all afternoon crying! He didnt used to be like this, he used to bring me flowers to surprise me, take me on dates, spend hours cuddling. Now that Im pregnant I feel like a Hippo (I have gained 24lbs and I was already big to begin with) because he wants nothing to do with romantic time, and just expects me to be okay watching his dog while he goes out with friends. I just want to cry! and he doesnt even seem to care how much it hurts me.

 

[CamoQueen]

I'm so sorry, that sounds incredibly frustrating! Have you considered having him come with you to your next OB appointment? Sit him down and have your doctor explain how important it is for you to stay on bed rest and NOT to be up and around, walking stairs and watching the dog. That way it's not just you saying it, it's someone from a position of authority and with a medical background.

Of course he should be listening to you when you tell him these things, but often times I think it helps for a stubborn SO to hear it from an outside source. Maybe that would get it through to him!

 

[mod19]

Agree with pp, if someone so is saying it the light bulb might go on. I can tell dh something a thousand times, but will only listen if someone else says it. Ugh. As far as your feelings go though, I think you should write it out, just like you did on here, and hand him the piece of paper. Use "i" and not "you" statements ("I feel like I'm on the back burner", not "you put me on the back burner") this way he'll have time to read it, it won't be a fight because it's not a discussion, it's him reading your feelings. When I feel dh and I drifting apart I make a point to send him a text message of how much I appreciate him and love him and how this little girl is going to have the best daddy in the world, even if he's sitting next to me on the couch, and we've never gotten to the point of us not taking or ignoring each other.

Also, maybe he's realizing his free nights are limited and trying to get as many in as possible. I understand that you're the one home all day and probably bored out of your mind, but it sounds like you both could get some good out of looking at the others perspective.

As far as the dog goes though, I'd say hire a trainer or dog walker...or get rid of it. If you want nothing to do with it, and he refuses to train it or walk it, you're going to have one bad dog. Put an ad on Craigslist for someone that can come walk it twice a day, and if he doesn't like it too bad.

 

[maggz]

Sounds like he's kinda acting out! I wonder if it's like pp said, because he's realizing his "days are numbered" that he can do whatever and not be responsible.
Personally I'd be very hurt if my DH chose to not go to an ultrasound but went to lasertag instead :/

I think mod has a great idea, try to either write it out or have a discussion if you think you can both stay calm. Try not to place blame but rather tell him how you feel when he does certain things "I feel like you don't want to spend time with me" or "I can't take care of the dog that you decided to get because our baby's health is on the line"

And that dog!!! Doesn't he care that the dog is not potty trained?? You should leave the house for a day and let him come home to poop and pee all over to deal with. Maybe that will yank him into reality about how bad it is.

Good luck hon, hugs to you

 

[lisaalove]

Now I'm not defending him I'll say this to start with but I understand why he is being the way he is. . My husband was the same way with our first.. he thought he was losing any and all freedom he had he kind of shut himself off from me and wanted to be with his friends all the time because he knew when baby came life would be different. And honestly if I hadn't been the one pregnant and he had I probably would have done the same but since we're the pregnant ones we automatically have the maternal instinct. Our baby is inside us we feel their every move and like most people saymothers become a mother when they feel their baby inside them a man becomes a father when he holds his baby for the first time

And that dog... well training a dog takes time and a lot of attention. Which it doesn't seem like he's willing to put into it... either get a dog trainer or the dog has to go.... you can't have an untrained dog around a newborn imo. He should have known what an animal required before getting one.

I also understand where you are coming from. It can definitely be lonely being on bed rest. Have you tried taking up a hobby to keep yourself busy such as sewing or crafting of some sort? I know it's not what you want compared to his attention but at least it will keep your mind on a different track. Do you have friends that could come over and keep you company? Girls night watching movies or something. Hope I could help in some way ♡

 

[Cattia]

I think the other ladies have written some very helpful and understanding replies. Personally I think he is being really selfish. He probably is nervous about becoming a father but it's happening and he needs to be responsible. Do you have any family nearby? If I were in that situation I think I would go and stay with my mum and tell him I would be back when the dog was trained. You can't be bringing a baby back to a house with an untrained dog.

 

[Insomniash]

As others have mentioned he is likely acting out because he is being faced with a loss of freedom, and he doesn't quite know how to handle it. That is pretty normal and reality will hit him soon enough.

However I am going to be blunt and say that in my opinion the dog has to go. Training at this point is not good enough because a puppy is still high energy and you don't have the ability to put that kind of energy into the dog and he doesn't have the desire to. It is unfair to you and the puppy at this point. This is only going to get worse unless you find the dog an alternate home, and if your boyfriend doesn't like that too bloody bad. You are jeopardizing your babies health taking care of the dog, and he is indifferent to it? Oh hell no! Just stop that now. That baby is your number one priority plain and simple and you have to make that clear to him, quit trying to respect his feelings when he is not respecting yours. I would honestly just get rid of the dog and let him be mad about it and tell him to get over it. The reality is that if you do not you will have a newborn and an untrained puppy to take care of very soon and you are going to be losing your mind even more. I am not normally one to advocate getting rid of a pet because of a pregnancy but these are extenuating circumstances that really don't lead to any other solution being viable in my opinion.

As far as the sex is concerned. I am feeling similarly to you. My guy is in his own little world the closer we get to having this baby and then approaches me for sex and I am not feeling it at all, but I am not letting it concern me at this point, but he also doesn't push it or get upset. Once the baby is here if it is still an issue I will address it.

 

[tubs]

Omg he sounds useless. Tell him to either train dog within next 2 weeks or the dog will be rehomed. This "loss of freedom" is just tough luck. He needs to man up and look after the woman carrying his child. He'd be out in his ear if he was with me and treating me like that.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

For making you take care of the dog, I agree with other posters, get a dog walker or trainer and if he doesn't believe you that it is endangering your baby get the OB to tell him.

For spending time with his friends, this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think you need to stop saying no. It isn't appropriate for him to dump it on you last minute, but maybe you could sit down and plan 3 nights out with him: 1 night he can go do what he wants, 1 night you go out together and 1 night when you can go do what you want. Also, for the night you are in could you arrange for a friend to come over to help with the dog and keep you company?

Working together to fix the issues will probably help bring you together.

The dog part of the issue is tricky though, especially because you said he is attached to the dog. Suggesting the walker/trainer needs to be done tactfully and I think if you start threatening to get rid of the dog things will get worse.

If my DH was telling me I couldn't see my friends and that my dog was shitty and he wanted to get rid of it I would be pretty pissed with him and would feel like he was trying to control every aspect of my life..even if he had a valid reason to feel that way. If he approached me offering to work out how to keep everyone happy I would be more receptive.

I don't agree with his behaviour, I'm just saying I can see both perspectives. Also, I clearly don't have the whole picture, so I've made assumptions based on your post and my personal experiences. Good luck, I hope he sees reason!

 

[Leo_Mumma]

Your being very patient and he's lucky to have you imo! My OH went through a phase at the beginning of my pregnancy and we had a lot of issues with his dog too. He has a very high energy GSD and I just wasn't able to walk him like I had previously what with working full time and nausea and being constantly tired. It went on for weeks and like you we didn't have sex through that patch. He didn't deserve it lol.

Like others have said, I feel he was just trying to salvage what was left of his freedom. He even spent hundreds on converting the loft into a games room which we just couldn't afford. In the end I just left him to it and it fizzled out. I pretended I was really into this "games room idea" and designing it got us on the same page again. Its a weird thing for blokes I think... even though we tried for 2 years and you think he would have been prepared!

Could you maybe send the dog to doggie day care? They will help train him and give you a break too. He's going to have to do something though as its really not fair on you.

 

[Srrme]

I am so sorry you're going through this.

If he's not going to help take on the responsibility of his dog, I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Maybe he should re-home the dog (you can't pay attention to her, and he doesn't seem to) or find someone who can care for her until you guys are able to work something out.

Dog daycare is an option, but it can be expensive and they normally don't "potty train." I've worked at multiple dog daycare facilities.