Really good friend said all the wrong things

[AlwaysPraying]

I know we've talked about it before about how no one really knows what to say and how it seems that everyone says just the wrong thing at the wrong time to ladies like us.

I've had a friend who's been incredible through all of this. She has two kids of her own and has never had a miscarriage or problems like that, but she's been such a great support for me this whole time.

I don't really care - per say, but it just kind of reminded me that no one but us know what it's like to go through something like a loss. We were talking and she was rambling about why this could have happened, she said, "Maybe it just wasn't your guys time. Or God wants you to be married first. Or you just weren't ready yet. Or you had to learn something first" and on and on. It was like every possible wrong thing said, came out of her mouth. I just agreed and said, "Maybe". However, I did interrupt her and said, "Actually, I am a mother and I did have a baby and it was just right at the time. It WAS our time to carry a baby for 14 weeks and 6 days, that WAS his life".

I know she meant well and was searching herself for reason and justification for it all, it's understanding. It more made me realize how lucky I was to carry this baby and learn the lessons that he has taught us. Lessons that she will never know or begin to understand. It bugs me that people always say, "Your time will come, you will be a mother one day". Well, I AM a mother NOW! My baby is in heaven that's the only difference. I really feel that I DID have a baby and that I went through so much of what a mother goes through.

I know I've said it a hundred times before but my baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and passed away at 14 weeks 6 days. We were gripped with tests, decisions, heart ache and so much pain. He WAS a person, a being, everything that a child is until his passing. I feel like he did live and die just as the rest of us have and will do. To say that "one day" we will become and know mothering is just plainly the wrong statement. But I know where she's coming from. Just as I'm living with my partner unmarried, doesn't mean I don't know what it's like to have a husband, maybe I just live my life a little bit more unconventionally than others, I don't know.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

 

[borntobeamum]

I think as you say, people just dont get it unless they have been through it.

No one will ever take away the love for your son, you will always be his mum and you are a mum, a great mum, a mum who made the hardest and bravest decision any mum ever has to make.

I got asked the other day, when someone seen me with My 3 year old and my niece, is it just the two you have, and it was strange, cause I wanted to say, Yes I have to daughters (just one of the girls here is my neice and my baby girl is an angel), but people dont get it, so the answer of no just 1,.... I felt like I was letting her down.

Its hard to put coments like that behind you, but by the sounds of it, your friend has been a good friend, and hopefully you can take all the support she has given and think of that.


Hugs sweety.

xxxxLaura

 

[RobenR]

I remember after my coworker and myself had our miscarriages and someone had made a similar comment. We looked at each other and she said "F*&k that, I'm a mother NOW and no one can tell me otherwise." I agreed and we clung to that.

I know how you feel. I have been told to never mention my m/c at work because I make people uncomfortable so it's nice to come here where people understand the pain.

Sorry your friend upset you.

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Thanks girls. I talked to my priest and he said something really powerful that I hope I'll be able to use one day. He said when people ask how many kids I have, the response is, "I have one child, he's in heaven." and leave it at that. I think it's a neat and clean but respectful way to honour our kids. I'm not sure it's right for anyone, and I'm just trying to get the guts up to say it out loud, but it could work. Especially if there's other kids too, like you said Laura, you have two kids, "one here, and one in heaven".

 

[buffycat]

unless you've been there, then you can't understand....the emotional and physical rollercoaster that you go through....



you are a mum already....and i hope that you get to be a mum again very soon....