Really missing the baby I never had for some reason recently

[TashaAndBump]

I had a baby girl 4 weeks ago, and I am happy with her - over the moon, even! But the last few weeks I just can't seem to stop thinking about the baby that I miscarried last year... Maybe it's because I have Anna now - I truly know what we are missing - We should have had this happiness ages ago - and Anna should have a big brother or sister!!

I don't know what's spured it all on again - I thought I was completely over this and moving on... now I find myself thinking about the baby we never got to meet every day - what would she have looked like? what would we have called him/her? what would our lives be like now if we had had her??

I'm feeling so guilty. When we miscarried, we didn't tell anyone, but the doctors and nurses told me "It's not your fault, there's nothing you could have done... blah blah blah" I'm not so sure I just can't shake this guilty feeling and I'm not sure I deserve to; I had a swab done after my miscarriage and was told I was carrying staphylococcus bacteria in my vagina and that it was practically harmless and wouldn't matter unless I got pregnant. I wondered then if it was this bacteria that had caused my miscarriage.... By the time I fell pregnant with Anna I had forgotten the name of the bacteria and when I mentioned it to my midwife she said it was probably strepB and that I was best off not knowing if that was the case... I knew she was wrong but didn't do anything - it's because of me that Anna was ill with staph blood infection after birth and I hate knowing that I could have kept her from all that if I'd just said something more Now I think that that's what caused my miscarriage, too and so it turns out that it probably was my fault afterall I feel really guilty, and down, and guilty for being down! I should be so happy with the baby that I have... and I am... but I just can't forget the baby that COULD have been. I can't shake this massive feeling of loss, and on the one hand I want to get on with my life and stop grieving - then at the same time as feeling guilty for wanting that - for wanting to forget my baby that didn't make it - I feel guilty for not being able to as well - Anna doesn't deserve to live in the shadow of another baby that never even made it to 12 weeks

I feel all messed up right now and I need to sort myself out for all our sakes. What the hell is going on??? Why am I feeling like this now? I'm so confused - angry for feeling how I do, and angry for not wanting to. My last baby deserves to be remembered, she did exist - she was real, and I feel like I killed her - but my baby deserves a happy mum, and not this - not me

What can I do to make this better??

 

[elles28]

My dad died when I was young & for some reason after my 2nd child was born I grieved for him really bad...all I can say to you is talking about it will hopefully help you to come to terms with it

 

[Nikkinoonoo]

No advice from me just big

 

[Newt]

I'm sorry hun. I hope it passes soon and gets a little easier for you

 

[porkpie1981]

 

[UKMummy]

I am very sorry to hear about your loss and also delighted to hear about your new baby. Sounds silly to say but it isn't all bad you having these feelings. These feelings HAD to come out at some point. It is part of the grieving process, which, in time will help you to look to the future in a positive way. Don't feel bad about what you feel because it shows that you care deeply about the baby you lost and the baby you have.

Everything is made worse by your hormones doing a serious nose dive at the moment. Any Mummy will tell you that a month after the birth you feel bloody awful. I was a wreck and I haven't gone through what you have!!! Hopefully once your hormones have settled you will feel a little brighter. However, if you don't and you are worried, please do talk to someone because it will help you.

Don't feel you are going mad, because you're not. What you write tells me you are a loving and caring person who is a lovely Mummy to your baby.

Look after yourself x

 

[Ffydd]

Darling, Of course your thoughts and feelings are real but please don't be angry with me if I ask whether they could also be a touch of the "baby blues". Might be worth speaking to your Health Visitor or doctor about your thoughts. I honestly know from experience that baby blues can have all sorts of different manifestations. I focused inwardly for months and felt really down, decided that there was something seriously wrong with my health, I would never live to see my baby grow up etc. It was horrible and the relief I felt when it was addressed, not least by me, was overwhelming. All best wishes, cherish your memories, live your todays and enjoy your tomorrows.

 

[Sweetie]

 

[honeybunch2k7]

Nothing is wrong with grieving for your angel.

 

[Linzi]

My dad died when I was young & for some reason after my 2nd child was born I grieved for him really bad...all I can say to you is talking about it will hopefully help you to come to terms with it

I just wanted to add to this... since I got pregnant, I have been grieving a lot for my grandad. He died 11 years ago, and i thought I was over it but obviously not.

I guess when you have a baby it drags up a lot of emotions, and things that have happened in the past.

I don't really have any other words but

xxx

 

[kadey]

Since i found out i was pregnant all i can think about is the baby i lost 2years ago. it upsets me as i never really got used to the fact i was pregnant before he/she was taken from me. what my mum told me was that everything happen for a reason, and that theory helped me grieve and get through that sad time.
its not wrong to still be greiving for the one you lost but you do have a little baby girl that deserves all your love and affection. try talking to someone close who knows what you have been through, or has been through something similar, just getting things off your chest can help alot.
My thoughts and feelings are with you now, just remember you have your whole life with this little bundle of joy, enjoy it

xxx

 

[mBLACK]

It's always easier to blame somebody, ANYBODY, when you lose someone you care about. But you have to remember that it's horrible but true - sometimes babies DO just die. And there is NOTHING you can do about it. Don't blame yourself - you will never be able to move on. You just have to accept the fact that you, and everybody else around you, was powerless in this situation.

 

[nemmie]

Aww hunny, it must be terrible for you, as the other girlies said its a good thing that you are grieving after all ots the loss of someone you care about. I heard once (and I know another member mentioned this so I don't want to step on their toes) that when you lose a baby its soul waits and becomes your next baby. This may be of some comfort to you it may not, i kinda like that idea. You little girl is blessed to have a mummy that is so caring and loving, I hope you feel better soon hun x x x