Really need some support, I'm completely terrified......

[fudgecake251]

I've just driven back home from my mums house and for no reason whatsoever got completely overwhelmed by hormones / fear or whatever, over the birth and what will happen. I was sobbing in the car! I have 10 weeks to go and I know they're going to fly by. This is my second baby, my son was born 3yrs ago, and my midwife has classed it as a precipitate labour (it was 4 hours 50 mins from start to finish). I felt completely detached and overwhelmed and shell shocked after his birth, I totally adored him, but like I said it was over and done with so quickly, I didn't know what on earth was going on. I also blame the fast labour on the horrendous episiotomy I had to have. He was stuck and they were worried about his heart rate so he had to be out quickly. I know you don't have the same time to stretch when its quick so I think that is to blame. They took over an hour to stitch me and my midwife had to get another midwife in and were trying to decide 'what bit went where' and then they got a doctor out of an operation (who looked like he couldn't of cared less about me and how dare they drag him out) when he came in to also have a look. They eventually stitched me (not a fantastic job either and I was in so much pain for a good 2 or 3 weeks it took away from having my new baby. I honestly think the speed of it and what went on afterwards has traumatised me. People are constantly saying, 'oh but you had a great birth, it went so quickly' but it's honestly not like that. It was so fast I had no time for pain relief except gas and air and I feel like I can't even remember half of it. To top it off I felt I had nobody to talk to afterwards about how I felt and even my husband didn't really understand. Everyone just came to see the baby and nobody even asked me how I was. My husband works away and I have a 3 year old now, I don't know what I'll do if I suddenly go into labour and it's even faster than the first time. I'm worried I can't get to the hospital on time if I'm on my own, and it's a worry as my son was distressed so I had to get there with him. What if this baby is the same? Is there anything they can do to stop me having another episiotomy? For me that was the worst part. I'm sorry if anyone thinks I'm moaning or anything. I know I'm so lucky to have my son and my baby on the way, I'm just feeling so petrified and I needed someone to talk to.

 

[katieeandbump]

Aww Hun I have no advice really other than to say I'm feeling exactly like u, my last labour lasted half an hour and everyone keeps tellin me how 'lucky' I was!! It was the most traumatic thing ever and the pains were on top of each other no gap betwen contractions no pain to the worst pain I'd ever felt within seconds! I was in so much shock and only just made it to the hospital! I also was bleeding heavy because I had progressed so quickly and I was panicking so much! This time I have my 2 boys at home and my main worry is that the baby's going to come before anyone can get to me whilst I'm on my own with the kids! Anyway I don't really know what to say other than your not alone, I hang on to the hope that not all labours go the same and In Hopin this will be a lil longer atleast for me to get my kids somewhere and to the hospital xxxxxx

 

[Rozz1e1]

This is my first baby so have no advice other than it is good to talk :-D so pls do just talk to all, esp ure oh and mw, maybe writing down a plan of action if u go into labour re childcare etc might make you less panicked perhaps? Love and hugs and hope u can relax ps....im terrified of labour also xxxx

 

[fudgecake251]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I sobbed for nearly an hour and a half this afternoon, and started again when my husband called. I really do think it all had such an effect on me. My husband tried his best to help, and even mentioned the perineal massage, but I burst out crying again and said I can't do it because it hurts too much and then I got snappy and said 'it's probably all to do with the mess they made of me when they stitched me up afterwards, its never really been right down there since!' He then said I may not even need stitching or anything this time, but I've read if you've had stitches once then the likelihood is you'll tear or need stitches the second time, especially as scar tissue is a lot less likely to stretch. I'm just so so worried this time around, I really wasn't the first time. Like you, I'm also worried what I'll do with my little boy when the time comes. My mum will come round but if this birth is really fast, how do I know I'll have time for it all, and if I have the meconium and distressed baby this time then I daren't be at home. Oh my god, hormones!!! Someone just sedate me and wake me up in a few months.

 

[ukgirl23]

well with my first baby I had PND, I felt completely detached even though I done everythign to care for her I just didn't have any feelings. With my second baby everything was completely the opposite, I mean I felt overwhelmed at first but after a few days we both got used to each other and we worked in a routine. Things were fine. This is my third baby now and I am terrified of dying during labour ... not sure why... but I think it is normal to worry, you can't be all happiness about something you have no control over, you wouldn't be prepared if you didn't feel a little bit worried you will be fine though! And if you do get the same feelings as before you know what to do and that you can get over it again xx

 

[fudgecake251]

Thanks UK girl, it's so nice just to be able to talk to people and know you're not alone. xx

 

[fudgecake251]

Katieandbump I just realised you've only got 13 days to go. Please keep us posted and I hope all goes perfectly for you. I'm sure it will. xx

 

[katee82]

I know how you feel.. My experience was different in that I had a rushed c-section which I wasn't expecting at 39 weeks..from being told I was having the operation to holding my baby was a matter of hours and I never even got to experience a contraction. I felt really detached afterwards and over whelmed that the baby I was holding in my arms was the same one that had been in my tummy for nine months. I felt cheated out of the process of giving birth and didn't get a chance to adjust. I'm only now, 2.3 years later coming to terms with how much that actually affected me and my bond with my son... Which is why I'm so desperate for this not to be repeated with this baby.

It really goes to show that even with natural births, the experience can have a lasting (and traumatising) effect. Perhaps have a look on line at specific support groups for fast labours? I know I've found a lot of support on the Internet specific to c-section births and I feel a lot better this time round. Hope you find the support you need x

 

[Mrs5707]

Don't have any advice for you, just sending big

 

[fudgecake251]

Thank you very much for your support everyone. I'm so pleased nobody came back with any harsh answers. I was once on a different support board and somebody told me I should just be happy for what I've got and stop moaning. It really upset me. I'm just pleased this is such a lovely board with a lot of support for eachother. Thanks. xx

 

[katieeandbump]

Katieandbump I just realised you've only got 13 days to go. Please keep us posted and I hope all goes perfectly for you. I'm sure it will. xx

I will do hunny! I was 2 weeks early with my last 2 so I'm thinking anyday now! I hope your ok! It's such a scary time and worrying about not making it to anyone is horrible!! I've told everyone I can to be on call my oh is off work until Friday so I'm really hoping its before then but we shall see!! Xxxxxxx

 

[aliss]

Big hugs! I have been there too, with a similar traumatic birth story and years of fear afterwards. But my 2nd birth was the complete opposite. Even with a hospital transfer during the pushing stage (attempted home birth), it was incredible. Remember, you are older and wiser- you know what labour can be like, you know your body, you will able to approach it much better. I had terrible PND for a year after (+ birth trauma) yet not even baby blues with #2.

You can do this!!!

 

[kirstylm]

Just wanted to send hugs! I'm sure te chances are the same
thing won't happen again.
I don't really have advise but just keep positive. I read that anxiety and tension will make
Labour less progressive and effective. Try and keep positive and calm.
Hope it all goes well xxx

 

[julesjules100]

Hi fudge

Just want to say that as already mentioned there are a lot of support groups out there for people who have had traumatic births and it may be helpful to have a look. Your GP may be able to refer you to talk to someone with expertise in this area.

Not sure if this would be a suitable thing but there is a product called Epi No (or something like that, google it) which is an inflatable balloon that you inflate a little more each day and push out of you to help stretch things out. If I wasn't having a C section then I was going to get it. May not work though if you're finding the massage painful.

The other thing that may be worth thinking about if you are truly terrified (and I don't suggest this lightly) is talking to your doctor about an elective C section to avoid any further damage.

I'm really cross other people have been unsupportive on other threads as traumatic births can be truly horrendous to process afterwards and the physical problems very real. Ignore them and chin up xx

 

[Piggie669]

try not to think of all the scary things such as labor, and the timing, the pain.. Labor is a beautiful thing it really is.... think of the positive holding and feeding and playing with your little one.. This is my second baby and i have 7 weeks to go and i am nervous no lie but im just nervous im going to do something and mess up some how.. (my big fault i doubt myself on everything)....
When you start to feel all frazzled take a big deep breath, put your hand on your belly and just say to your self soon i will be holding you, and showering you with my love... it will make you feel happy..
and one last advice talk as much as you can if you get to upset it will help..

 

[Hapuone]

Hi there...I so hear you! With my first wee chap I was in hospital on bed rest from 31 weeks and then he was born at 35 weeks...with a two hour labour. We got to the hospital and I was already 8cm, I had only a few contractions and I was pushing...and out he came with no time for any pain relief. Afterwards my placenta did not come out properly so I was fully knocked out and scraped out! While everyone thinks I was lucky to have a quick birth, and yes I was, no one acknowledges how scary it is, the lack of control, and the trauma that it does down below. My vagina was a complete mess...and it took so long to heal afterwards that I was still having problems at six months. About to have my second child...and part of me is terrified that I will have a similar experience and my vagina will once again be destroyed! The one thing my midwife said that was so important last time was that I had to acknowledge and mourn my latter pregnancy and birth experience...but then move on. It did help for someone to say...yip, you had it pretty crappy, but now it's time to get moving. Hopefully we both have better experiences and I wish you all the very best...nice to know i am in good company with the worrying!

 

[fudgecake251]

Thank you all so much, it's lovely to know I'm not on my own, but obviously I certainly don't relish in the fact some of you had bad experiences too. I wish us all lovely, happy, healthy deliveries this time around. I'm feeling a little better today. I will make notes of all my fears in my birth plan and also mention my them to my midwife when I see her in 2 weeks time, hopefully she can give me some tips or some positive thoughts. As my husband said, there's not much we can do with regards to how quick the birth will be, but maybe there is something we can do to help me along, ie warm compresses, asking the mw to direct me more on breathing and slowing the head down (of course I didn't have this option first time around as my ds was getting distressed and needed to be out, but was stuck). Hopefully baby no.2 will be a little calmer and give me more time. x