Really upset - advice please

[Yellow500]

Last year I split up from my abusive ex and now I live with our three children aged 6, 3 and 1.

My three year old has had me in tears for the past two days, telling me he wants to go and live with Daddy and he doesn't love me anymore.

My eldest is autistic and the youngest my ex hasn't really had a lot to do with but he has always seemed to favour our three year old.

They all see their dad a couple of times a week (sometimes more, sometimes less). My eldest never wants to go. My 3 year old enjoys going but has never complained about going back to mine afterwards.

The only thing which has changed and I think brought this on is that he has recently gone back to nursery after a seven month break and he hasn't wanted to go. I'm the mean mummy taking him in kicking and screaming and daddy is the one who has been to pick him up on a few of those days.

Daddy seems to have the fun times and I'm the one doing the nagging and mean stuff.

What do I do? I don't want him to go and live with his dad. It would break my heart but then I also don't want him to be unhappy.

 

[scoobydrlp]

Honestly I think you have to try not to let it bother you so much. I can imagine it makes you feel horrible to hear him say those things, but try to remember he's only 3, and I'm sure seeing you react so emotionally is egging him on. I wish I had some magic advice for you

 

[Foogirl]

This is something you will always face when there is a part time parent involved. They always get the fun stuff and you have to be the tough one, dishing out the discipline. And sometimes children will naturally wish they could have the fun stuff all the time. I remember my 5 year old nephew telling me once "I wish you were my mummy and my mummy was my auntie" I explained to him that he was only staying for me for a week and I had taken time off so we could do lots of fun stuff. And that the fact his bedtime was later and he got to eat more sweets and stuff was only because I knew it was just for the week, and was being done with his mummy's permission. I promised him of the roles were reversed he would be saying the same thing to my sister. As a single mum, she has to juggle running a business and raising her boy. He's 15 now and I reminded him of the conversation the other day when he was here and was complaining his mum lets him stay up later, doesn't restrict his diet like I did and is far easier on him about studying than I was for the week! I'm also fairly certain our 5 year old daughter wishes she could stay with auntie Carol instead of us as she has sooooo much fun there she never wants to come home.

It'd difficult to hear these things, but the best response is to give them a big hug and tell them you love them so much and would miss them too much if they lived with Daddy. I know how you feel about the nursery thing. I've had 4 years of peeling Abby off me to get her in to nursery. We've never got to the bottom of why, except that she just doesn't like being away from me for the day. Funnily enough when she stayed at my sisters and was dropped off at my mums for the days Carol was working, she had the same reaction. And she loves being with my mum!

Part of your little boy's problem may well be some insecurity given he is going through quite an upheaval for a child. Lots of reassurance will help.

 

[seoj]

Like mentioned- when your the full time, healthy, consistent and boundaries setting parent- of course kids will have times they say they resent you for it. But, at the end of the day- they KNOW who cares for them. They know who loves them because they set limits. Whether they like them or not- they crave them- they need them.

I am in a much different situation- I'm a full time parent to my SD. My hubby has had her full time since she was 2yrs- I came along when she was barely 9yrs. But her bio-mom just wants to be her "friend" to let her do things she shouldn't- cause she doesn't really care about her best interest- but only whether she is liked and what is easier when she has had her over the years. My hubby and I have a great relationship with her- she knows who her parents are. But there were certainly times- when she was younger- that she would let her mom get into her head and hold things against her Dad (or me). She would tell us all the "fun" things her Mom let her do- things we didn't allow (for good reason). etc... LONG story...

She's 16 now- and she absolutely KNOWS (all too well) who her parents are. Who has always had her best interest at heart- even if we had to make the hard choices. And in time, your LO will know this too hun. I know it stings. I can't say I know exactly how you feel- I don't. But I see how the absent parent can be the novelity- I've watched it with friends kids too. It sucks. It's hard. But at the end of the day- YOU are the real parent. You are the one your LO will feel protected by.

I know that doesn't make it feel better now- but he's young, and doesn't really "get it"... now... but, he will.

btw- when my SD talks about things now- she makes it very clear she is so thankful we set limits. She admits she didn't always like them (when she was younger)- why would she? But she knows we have always done what is best for HER- even when it wasn't easy for us.

 

[JASMAK]

I say too bad for him! Since when do three year old choose where to live? Ignore this! If he sees it upsets you, he is likely to do it more. And hey...make some fun times!

 

[KayBea]

ive not read the other replies but honestly dont let it get to you.
my 3 yr old sometimes says she wants to live with daddy, shes not seen him for 2 yrs so doesnt actually know who he is etc..

he doesnt understand what hes saying the same as my LO doesnt. xxx

 

[Noodlebear]

I don't even think this is to do with the 'part time' parent scenario. How many times do kids say horrible things when they're angry? They always know which buttons to press and they don't mean it, half the time they probably don't really understand the implications of what they're saying.

I remember that when I was young my mum could tell me off for something and I'd just freak, if my step dad tried telling me off for the exact same thing I'd roll out a load of crap about how he wasn't my dad etc. It was totally nasty and I loved him like a father so I didn't mean a word of it but I knew it'd upset him. The more you react to him the more he'll say it, if he lived with his dad after a few days he'd probably be moaning about how he wanted to live with you again. The grass is always greener....