Recurrent chemical pregnancies im so broken

[Suggerhoney]

Hello ladies

I'm just experiencing my 4th chemical pregnancy since April.
I had one in April and June and July and now another in October 2020.
I've not started bleeding yet so I'm now at this very familiar stage where I'm just waiting to bleed.

I was getting positive tests from 10dpo that gradually got darker. Yesterday at 13 dpo I had my darkest test of all but was still worried the line wasn't dark enough for 13dpo.

I then told myself that maybe this is just a shy bean.
But no.
I tested today at 14dpo hoping and praying the line wud be dark.
Sadly they all were practically BFN.
I know to well now how this all goes.
I've had 6 chemical pregnancies now and one later miscarriage at 10+4.

But I've never had recurring miscarriages like this.
Losing one baby is bad enough. But to lose 4 back to back is just soul destroying.
I wudnt wish this on my worst enemy.
I am 4 weeks pregnant today and I'm waiting to bleed.
I can't believe I am going through this again.
I know my losses are all early but it still hurts just as bad.
I've had a later loss at 10+4 weeks so I know what its like.

Right now I'm feeling very lost and alone and like a failure.
I turn 41 in December and my husband is 46 in May so I know time isn't on our sides.

I've had blood work done on all my hormones b4 and after ovulation and everything came back perfect.
The doctor said he just thought I had a run of bad luck and there was no reason why I cudnt have a healthy pregnancy in the future.
So with that I was so happy.
I really thought after having 3 losses my luck was about to turn.

This time the lines were darker and got darker.
So I really thought this one was a keeper and started picturing myself with a baby bump. And working out my due date. I was so excited.

Today was 14dpo.
I was fully expecting to see lovely dark lines.
Sadly my tests went from being BFP to BFN.

I really don't know what to do anymore I am in such a state.
I have cried and cred all day long.

I feel so alone and I hate my body so much.
I feel old and sad. And lost.

I still want to keep trying because time isn't on my side. I don't want to give up on my dream of having one last baby b4 the manapause hits and I won't physically be able to have anymore.

I am grateful for the children I do have and I know I am truly blessed.

But in my heart I know I'm not done.
There is a 7 year age gap between my little boy and my DD so I new from early on that I wanted one more baby b4 its to late.


I'm so devastated right now and not sure if I can get over this.
My hubby wants to keep trying but I think ill be taking another break until I feel ready.

I'm just so afraid that this is going to keep on happening.

I am broken

 

[Suggerhoney]

A quick update.
I am being referred to the recurring miscarriage unit at the hospital.
We can still try while waiting for appointment but I'm taking this cycle off to give my body some time and will resume ttc in December.
Really hope there will be no more losses I just can't take anymore.

I know they are early and I have lost a baby at almost 11 weeks b4 but it still hurts.
This 4th chemical broke me I've cried and cried and cried, I don't know why they keep on happening.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I'm glad you've got a referral and I hope that you get some answers soon

 

[kittiecat]

Glad you’ve got a referral and I hope they can help

 

[dairymomma]

I am glad you are getting that referral. And just an FYI-you can have normal progesterone levels and *still* need to supplement it. I have normal progesterone levels during my cycles but when I get pregnant, my progesterone stays on the lowest end of the normal range and do not rise as they should even with the medication. I miscarry every time if I try to go without it. My doctor can't explain it but she is fine putting me on it even if my labs are technically 'normal'.

It's so draining to go through this. I've miscarried up to 4 times between successful pregnancies and I've had back-t0-back losses more than once. It sucks. But having a supportive doctor who is willing to dig as deep as necessary to find out answers is key. I am hoping the recurrent loss doctor can help you figure out what is going on and you have your rainbow baby soon!

 

[Suggerhoney]

Thank u ladies

Sadly were back in lockdown from Thursday so don't think I will be getting a hospital appointment anytime soon.
I love the NHS but trying to get appointments is so hard and now were going into lockdown again.
I started taking macca root today which is really good for fertility and implantation and also helps to prevent miscarriage so I'm hoping that will do the trick and I won't need that hospital appointment.
We have decided to try again this cycle. .I'm on cd 6 now so just waiting for ovulation.


My temp stayed really elevated even tho it was a chemical.
It didn't drop until the day b4 I started bleeding so I don't think its progesterone other wise my temp
wudnt of been so high.

Praying the next time I fall it sticks.
And there will be no more losses.

 

[Suggerhoney]

I am glad you are getting that referral. And just an FYI-you can have normal progesterone levels and *still* need to supplement it. I have normal progesterone levels during my cycles but when I get pregnant, my progesterone stays on the lowest end of the normal range and do not rise as they should even with the medication. I miscarry every time if I try to go without it. My doctor can't explain it but she is fine putting me on it even if my labs are technically 'normal'.

It's so draining to go through this. I've miscarried up to 4 times between successful pregnancies and I've had back-t0-back losses more than once. It sucks. But having a supportive doctor who is willing to dig as deep as necessary to find out answers is key. I am hoping the recurrent loss doctor can help you figure out what is going on and you have your rainbow baby soon!

So sorry u have had back to back losses to hon. Its heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing ure story.

 

[kittiecat]

I really hope you wont end up needing that appointment. But also hope it doesn't get delayed by this lockdown.

 

[Tasha36089]

Sorry to hear of your losses. Fingers crossed for next time. I think I’m having a chemical atm

 

[Suggerhoney]

I really hope you wont end up needing that appointment. But also hope it doesn't get delayed by this lockdown.

Thanks hon.
I'm hoping i won't need that appointment.
And instead will get a sticky beanie.
Thanks for ure kind words hon.
Its rubbish being back on lockdown again I bet that's gonna mess all the appointments up

Sorry to hear of your losses. Fingers crossed for next time. I think I’m having a chemical atm

Oh no I really hope u are ok?

 

[Bevziibubble]

Thinking of you

 

[kittiecat]

It may not mess up the appointments as medical stuff is supposed to be unaffected this time so fingers crossed . Though as you said here’s hoping you don’t need it!

 

[Suggerhoney]

I have a telephone appointment on 3rd December.

On cd2 of a new cycle and we will be trying again this cycle.

Praying for a blazing Christmas BFP and no more miscarriages.

 

[MadamRose]

Have they looked into aspirin or anything I know a few of my friends in the US swear by low dose baby aspirin for helping with very early losses

 

[Bevziibubble]

I hope that you get some answers from your telephone appointment.
Good luck for a Christmas bfp

 

[Suggerhoney]

Have they looked into aspirin or anything I know a few of my friends in the US swear by low dose baby aspirin for helping with very early losses

I have hon and I had 2 chemicals while on it. I was taking 75mg.
Then I was told by some ladies on here that have had fertility treatment that u shudnt start taking asprin until u get a line on a test because its a blood thinner and can then the lining.

But October at 10dpo when I got my first lines I started the Asprin and my lines got darker and then after a while started getting fainter and then BFN and another chemical.

Will see what I get told on Thursday. If they recommend taking it rite the way through ttc I will start it again and explain how I was told they can then lining.

Just hoping the macca works in all honesty and the next one sticks

 

[Suggerhoney]

Sadly December wasn't my month just waiting for AF. Onto January month 11 TTC

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[Suggerhoney]

Thank you Bev

 

[kittiecat]

I’m so sorry