Resentment

[Moomad]

How do I make this feeling go away?

The babys dad is out there free of responsibility having the time of his life, probably. I wouldn't know as I haven't heard from him since he tried to threaten and bribe me into "getting rid".

In contrast, I'm feeling emotional, stressed about the future and have put my life on hold. I love my baby already, I'm only 14 weeks but I know I'm going to be a good mummy. So I don't feel bad towards my baby at all, it's not his/her fault!

But I can't help feeling resentful towards the babys dad. He's probably not even preparing financially yet here I am stressing to clear my debts and find a home for me and baby. I feel like I'm changing myself for the sake of my baby, but he's not going to bother. And he'll turn up expecting to see his baby when it's here.

I feel like I should tell him that if he expects to see baby, he needs to show some form of commitment and responsibility towards the baby. But everyone has told me to leave him alone. But how will he know where he stands?? Am I supposed to wait for him to show up when the baby's born and then tell him to sod off because he hasn't done what I thought he should do and didn't tell him about? He'll never bond with his baby then.

I resent him for not getting in touch with me to see if things are OK.
I resent him for going out and getting drunk and having fun when I can't.
I resent that he can move on from me and into another relationship quickly and easily while I can't.
I resent that he can forget the situaton we're both in while I'm in it 24/7
Mostly, I resent that we can't be friends and talk about these things like grown ups.

I'm pretty sure this is normal for a break up when there are babies involved but how do I make these feelings go away? I want to be relaxed and happy again.

 

[smiler85]

Hi there

I am in the exact situation and I would say there is a fine line between resentment and hate right now!

I haven't heard from him in weeks - last night I decided to be the adult and called him.

He didn't answer but later text to say "who is this" - he reckoned he had deleted my number! Not sure if he was winding me up by saying that.

He also told me he was not going to contact me at all.

I really hoped the break in talking would have made him grown up a bit - but as soon as he picked up the phone when he knew it was me he was giving it the childish comments and acting like an idiot.

It's really hard - I am struggling with these emotions. I hate him so much right now part of me doesn't care if I never see or hear of him again, but then I feel guilty for not trying for my baby. Again, this makes me hate him even more - why should I FEEL GUILTY??

All I can say is I am hoping that time will be a healer - and when your baby arrives you will probably look back and wonder why you ever felt like this because he is the loser - he is the one missing out.

I am feeling better to have found out my ex's parents have wanted to contact me - I was under the impression that they believed I was making being pregnant up - but that was my ex talking rubbish - and will be speaking to his family this weekend, so it's a relief to know I will have their support. I miss them a lot too.

I was worried about them fighting for custody - as my ex told a mutual friend that was what he was planning to do - after speaking to him last night - that is the furthest thing from his mind and he doesn't even want to play an active role let alone have custody.

I am not putting the father's name on the birth certificate, nor giving the baby his last name. If the father does not financially contribute to things for the baby before it's born and you have evidence i.e. text messages that he has not shown any interest, then he will have no rights. He will have to go to court to see the baby which is lengthy and costs thousands. On the other hand, if he does come round to the idea when the little one is here - it can be all on ur terms and he will have to deal with it - at least until he has proved to you he is for real and can be trusted. I am hoping this is what will happen with me.

Try to focus on the months ahead, your health and your baby and let the maggot crawl back to where he came from.

Like I said, he is the loser, and will continue to be the loser.

All the best!

 

[Moomad]

I could imagine mine being very similar to yours!

I feel like I should contact him and discuss how much involvement he wants, and what conditions there will be to him seeing the baby. But it also feels like he's playing a game and waiting to see when I'll go running.. and I just know that he'll try to put unrealistic demands on me. But then I need to do right by my baby. I initially told him to leave me alone after he'd got agressive through texts and threatened me and he did. So he could use that in court as a reason for not contacting me... and this also makes me resent him more because he'd so happily cut me out of his life like that!
Although I did text him after the scan and ask if he wanted a picture which he responded to in a polite manner.

I think it may be easier to contact him through a solicitor. But I don't even know how to start with that and will struggle to afford it with all these bills I've got to pay.

I just wish I could talk to him normally without him trying to be controlling or threatening! It would make things so much easier.

I don't think you should feel guilty, Smiler, you've made an effort. You called and he just wouldn't respond in a grown up way. And the fact that you're in touch with his parents is great! If they can't get him to see the baby, then at least your baby and you will have them

 

[littlekitten8]

Moomad - There is a scheme where every person in the country is entitled to 1 hour free with a solicitor. I would contact him through a solicitor and outline exactly what you expect of him. If he chooses to ignore that then its his loss. He obviously has no interest in playing an active role in your baby's life. I would just cut all ties and forget about him. You and your baby will do just great. And it's not impossible to find a guy who is willing to take on a mother. My sister is with a great guy and they got together when her little girl was about 18 months old. They now have a child together and are looking into emigrating. Just try to relax, enjoy your pregnancy, and remember, this baby is making you get your life together. You should be proud of yourself. And we are always here to chat if you need a rant. Feel free to PM me hun x

 

[lou_w34]

I resented everything about fob until my lo was born... then it just melted away.
I get everything, her first smile, her first coo, i get to hear her laugh, and there is so much more to look forward too

He is a idiot for missing out, and so is your ex, but look at it this way, you are gaining everything, while he is missing out in the long run!



xx

 

[purpledahlia]

I was going to say exactly the same as lou!

EVERYTHING about FOB before Ava was born made me mad, made me angry, his name on my fone if he text, if he signed online. The thought of being tied to him forever, everything made me full of hatred and full of self-pity. Doinf the pregnancy is by far, FAR harder on your own. I trully think. Once the baby is here, its just so, so different. I get smiles all the time now, she laughs for ME, she looks for ME, she wants ME. Hes not even met her yet. And now i feel sad about that, instead of hate. i feel greedy for keeping her to myself because its so amazing.
It does get easier, i remember the first 20weeks for me were the hardest, and the last 20 were the most emotional. And since shes been born, has been the easiest. Good luck xx

 

[suzanne108]

I know that resentment feeling all too well!!

I would say be careful what you say to FOB whilst pregnant because you don't know how you'll feel when the baby is here.

When I first found out I was pregnant FOB told me that if I kept the baby he wanted nothing to do with me or "it". I begged and begged him at first not to do that to me and then got his brother to talk him round. So FOB eventually said he wanted involvment.

If I could turn back time, when FOB said "me or the baby" I would have chosen the baby and walked away.

I now see FOB about once a month on average, hardly ever hear from him unless he's causing trouble. All he does is piss me off! Like he texts asking if he can come see Lola but only gives me one days notice so I usually already have plans (so then I look the bad one for saying no even though I say "I'm busy but free any day next week") when he does come he doesn't do anything. Just looks at her, holds her for 5 mins then watches tele. I feel bad for her that although she does have a "dad" in her life he knows NOTHING about her and makes no effort. I know for a fact he tells his friends and family he sees her every weekend and plays the doting dad because people have told me. I wish he wasn't around, I honestly think that Lola would be better off having no dad than one that couldn't care less about her. Maybe one day he'll change

Anyway, my point is, be careful what you demand of him because you will probably feel completely different when your LO is here. xxx

 

[Moomad]

Thankyou girls This is all very positive. I'm tying to ignore the bad feelings, I don't want to end up doing something I'll regret later, just because I'm feeling bitter.

I'm not sure if I should be contacting him or not?? If I should be making an effort to get along for the baby or if I should let him make the first move? I don't know I don't want to talk to him, he's been awful since things didn't go his way and he realised he can't control me. But I need to do what's best for the baby, not what's best for me. I think a solicitor would be the only way to go because I don't trust myself to hold my tongue if I speak to him.

I can't wait to meet my LO I'm saving up for cosmetic surgery if it comes out looking like him though!! Hahahah Joking x x