Scared of being a single mum please help! Single mums can you reassure me please

[highhopes19]

Hi everyone I haven't been on in sometime as life has been getting int he way. This is a long old ramble please bare with me

I'm so stuck on what to do.... I've been with the girls dad since we were 15... we had a good relationship up until about 3 years ago. We separated for a while but we might aswel not of done because he came back after a few days! My fault I know!

I'm literally sitting in tears as I'm writing this because I'm so scared of being alone he's all I've ever known and I really do love him... when I think about us not together it literally makes my heart ache as I think about the happy times that we've had

But lately I feel as if I already am I single mum I do everything on my own, he does work hard I give him that. But I feel so unsupported and on my own. He told me to quit my job after my maternity leave ended because I wasn't happy there I was signed off because of work place bullying by my store manager.
Now he calls me lazy and tells me to go get a job.... I've tried everything to look for a job but when I tell him I have he puts obstacles in the way as to why I can't do each one... be it child care or night work him having to take me late at night with the girls asleep (not ideal I agree).

He's got us into loads of shit with bailiffs the actual debt itself isn't his fault his dart account failed and altogether it works out he owes nearly £10,000. Because he ignored the letters they ended up going to his parents house.... I'm on the phone 4 hours plus a day trying to sort this. I then get abusive messages from his sister saying I need to sort this shit out calling me names etc (he did stick up for me)... I'm trying I really am I don't know what else I can do!! He debt is in his name so obviously they won't talk to me or go into details so I'm trying my best to sort it.... he's not helping at all!! It was getting him down and the last hope of getting it sent back to highways England was a doctors letter stating how it's making him feel and affecting his mental health and he didn't bother to go!! He started the process of an Iva to help clear it but is in no sense of urgency about getting it sorted and when I ask about it.... he gets nasty to me!! Saying I'm always going on... to shut up etc!
I want it sorted!!

Over the past week I've been so ill with an abscess... it is massive to he point where on Wednesday my face was so swollen I couldn't open my eye.... I still done absolute everything never got an ounce of help!! On Saturday I wasn't feeling great but had a rare night off and went for a meal with my mum and sister and stayed over I made everything as easy as possible for him... done the house work top to bottom even cleaned the blooming windows just so I could rest Sunday if I was still not feeling well.
Sunday I got home... house wasn't great tbh it was a mess!! But he said him and the girls had a nice evening so I let it slip.... he spent the day over the neighbours helping them with their conservatory... whilst I had a temp of 104 and was shivering re do the house, look after the girls whilst chucking my guts up.... that day he treated me like absolute shit.... shouted at me in front of the neighbours because I popped in the kitchen to get daisy a tissue for her nose and she fell over he bellowed at me swearing in front of them!

His excuse for treating me like it was because I was well enough to go out Saturday and live the single life as he put it!! Wtf!! I love my girls but I need a break every now and then surely!!

I'm fed up of the arguing every day!! I feel afraid to say anything incase of how he may take it!! I'm not an angel but I'd never treat him the way he does me!

He makes me sound as if I'm controlling because I put myself j. Charge of all finances because he just spent the lot and we couldn't pay our bills every month.



I don't know what to do anymore I feel so run down!

 

[IchigoMewMew]

So sorry you're going through all this, I really feel for you

H


He makes me sound as if I'm controlling because I put myself j. Charge of all finances because he just spent the lot and we couldn't pay our bills every month.

he is the controlling one from what you've written, not you. You being in charge of money is just good sense. If he's like my friends controlling ex husband it will be almost killing him that he has to let you be in total charge/control of something in your life. For my friend it was her putting their son first and being close with her family who live abroad. She left him when baby was small, it was very hard to start with but she has done an amazing job and is very sucessful in her work now. He still tries to control her through the courts/child contact but it washes over her better now. What do your Mum and sister think? can you talk to them, is there somewhere you can stay for a while?

 

[highhopes19]

So sorry you're going through all this, I really feel for you

H


He makes me sound as if I'm controlling because I put myself j. Charge of all finances because he just spent the lot and we couldn't pay our bills every month.

he is the controlling one from what you've written, not you. You being in charge of money is just good sense. If he's like my friends controlling ex husband it will be almost killing him that he has to let you be in total charge/control of something in your life. For my friend it was her putting their son first and being close with her family who live abroad. She left him when baby was small, it was very hard to start with but she has done an amazing job and is very sucessful in her work now. He still tries to control her through the courts/child contact but it washes over her better now. What do your Mum and sister think? can you talk to them, is there somewhere you can stay for a while?

Thankyou so much for your reply!

We rent our house through a housing association and the house is in my name because he was working the day the tenancy was signed and because we're not married I couldn't sign it on his behalf, so he was put down as just someone living here.... another thing he thinks I've done to put him when I clearly haven't! He didn't wanna take the time off work in a new job so it was just me and my little girl that attended along with my mum.

He's still not home from work yet knowing full well I really need to go shopping... he DOES do it on purpose... he finishes at 5 and is today working just round the corner. He wouldn't go on the weekend with just him and the girls... so I've been trying to use up what I've got!! But he does this every week. Last weekend I was due to go shopping daisy wasn't well had a really bad upset stomach so had gone through a lot more nappies than usual... that morning I said to him please don't be late tonight I really need to go shopping I've got nothing in for dinner... 4;30 came and I phoned him just to double check he hadn't forgotten by then I had one nappy left and he told me he wasn't sure when he'll be home! And turned his phone off till 6 when he came home tail between his legs feeling bad and took me!

He does things on purpose it seems to cause a row so that I snap and then look the bad one and end up the one apologising.... I don't know where it's all gone wrong I really don't I want a happy home for the girls Isabelle's 5 and I hate her seeing me sad and asking me "mummy are you happy?" I grew up in a home full of rows and it was blooming awful!

It's 6:15 now he finishes at 5 he's working 2 minutes away and I'm scared to ring him to see where he is because I don't wanna start a row and get the whole I finish work when I want to crap

 

[highhopes19]

Also I worry where he's going to stay... his mum is awful she really is his whole family are to be fare to him even before the bailiffs ended up going there I do feel sorry for him for that as it wasn't his fault at all I've tried everything to... he's not on good terms with them at all!

My dad is under the impression he can sleep in his car... I think he's just fed up of seeing me so upset all the time... he's never taken sides between us has always remained netreul if we have a row but lately he's had enough which is understandable... but I can't let him sleep in his car! I don't know what to do

I've just phoned him he's still at work putting a shower screen up... was really shitty with me on the phone.

 

[Teri7489]

From the short post I've read, he got you to quit your job then called you lazy. Told you to get a job then made it impossible. Got you into debt, didnt pay it off, ignored the letters and now bailiffs are after you. He didn't care for you when you were I'll, instead was verbally abusive and now you are ill with worry over everything. That simply is you in a domestic situation and you have to put yourself and your children first. If you worry where he will sleep, how he will cope then it will never change. It's a difficult thing to do but how many more years can you continue to be second best? The fact that you are apologising and justifying his actions shows how far in to his control you are. Could you give your health visitor a ring to see if she could help get you in touch with some support? Maybe get in touch with your housing association and get another tenancy yourself or apply to another that way your can move without him but he still has a home? You can do this on your own, you just need to look at your children and see they are worth so much more and so are you xxx

 

[highhopes19]

Thankyou, the house is mine he wouldn't be able to stay here on his own or have it swapped into his name as we have to be living here 3 years before I can create a joint tenancy... so the house is mine indefinitely x

He's not long got in from work.. acting as if everything is ok, girls are in bed so I took the opportunity to talk to him about how I feel.... he sat there listening and I was in tears saying I just want everything to be like it used to be but it won't.... he came over to hug me trying to cheer me up and stop me from crying...
I pushed him away and he then went and sat on the other sofa... I said to him again I would love everything how it used to be but it won't... his reply was "I just came over to cheer you up to stop you from crying and you pushed me away... what do you want me to say" ... and started basically started taking the piss because of what I was said and because I refused to hug him back!!

He's now gone to the shop for me to grab a couple of bits for dinner tomorrow...

I just don't know where to turn next at the moment xx

 

[Berri]

If the reason you're staying with him is because you are worried he won't be able to take care of himself (e.g. find somewhere to live, repay his debt) then that in itself is a problem. He is an adult, he is supposed to be your partner, not your burden. He will find a way to cope - most likely in a way that completely infuriates you .

I am in a situation with my husband where it's a long way from happy (together 15yrs). Change is hard but you have family support should you need it. I have chosen not to discuss my marital issues with my family because I don't want them thinking badly of him if we work it out. I am however, going to counselling (at this stage, he is not) and it's helping me figure out what I want and to take control of how my days play out and be confident that whatever choice I make, I make it knowing I considered other paths not out of habit.

 

[CRWx]

Hi hun, first of all, I'm so sorry you're so upset and worried

From your post, your OH sounds like a manipulative, emotional abuser. I know that sounds harsh. He told you to leave your job then humiliated you by calling you lazy? Whilst making it impossible for you to get another? He got the control he wanted and now he's making your life unpleasant.

Worrying about where he will sleep is honestly his problem. He is a grown adult man that will have to work that out for himself. I know it'll be hard as you obviously care for him but that is not your problem. As PP said, he is supposed to be your husband and not a burden.

I am a single mum, though through different circumstances (FOB has never wanted to have anything to do with my DD) and it is scary, overwhelming and downright difficult at times but you get through. It sounds as though you're doing what you would be on your own now anyway you can always PM me if you ever need a chat xxx

 

[tankel]

I wanted to say that it sounds like you are basically a singe mom already and you shouldn't be worried about whether or not you can do it. In a way it is easier once they are gone, because you're not fighting all the time and you don't have to clean up after them.

It sounds to me like he might be seeing someone else. He is displaying the classic signs: being late and also acting like you are a problem, when the problem is him. A lot of cheaters do that because its justifies it in the head, My OH is a bitch so its okay if I do this. . .

Just as others have said, you can't be worried about him taking care of himself. You have to worry about taking care of yourself and your kids.