scared of future

[Bella12]

On my first attemp ttc, I had a mc. I really feel ready to become a parent but feel more scared now than I ever thought possible. I have read stories of women having many mc and my heart goes out to them. I really want a child but don't know I have the inner strength. The feeling of moving on and sadness seem to be battling I'm inside me. If I'm able to become pregnant again, how will I rid myself of the stress that I may lose it again. I just woke up this morning crying with so much doubt.

 

[klsltsp]

I think what your feeling is. normal and its okay to feel this way. I think that anyone who suffers a loss struggles with the next pregnancy especially until you can feel then kiking inside of you. When you are ready you will try again. I suggest making sure you have lots of support around you. My motto has always been to worry about what i can control, so i have a very supportive family and even my doc said she will give me ultrasounds every 2. Weeks until 12weeks if that will help ease my stress next time.

Big hugs, let yourself grieve and when you are ready you will have your rainbow baby. And yes lots of women have more than 1 mc but that is the exception not the norm. And i promise you it will all be worth it when you hold your little rainbow baby and then the worrying just changes

Good luck.

Kim

 

[Topanga053]

I agree with PP. When you get pregnant again, you probably WILL be scared that you will lose it again. A MC takes away your innocence and your assumption that a pregnancy always results in a baby. Most women (including myself) find that the easiest way to deal with PAL is to take it one day at a time. You get excited at each milestone (the BFP, the first scan, etc etc), but you also don't get carried away. You enjoy each day that you ARE pregnant and you set small goals for yourself, like getting through the week or making it to the next scan.

And even in the worst case scenario (another loss), some women have found that sometimes the fear of another loss is actually worse than the loss itself. But like the PP said, multiple MC are the exception, not the rule. You are very likely to have a healthy pregnancy soon and you are stronger than you know, no matter WHAT happens.

 

[Bella12]

Thank you both! I just woke up in a sad. I found out on Wednesday and every time I use the bathroom I'm reminded of my mc.

Kim, I think you are right about having a support system. I told nobody I was pregnant (except my hubby). My in-laws have been waiting for a grandbaby and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I do have a very supportive husband and a very loving 6 month old retriever that have been comforting. I'm still contemplating calling my mom.

Toganga053, I really want kids. So I think I'm going to have to focus on milestones. I just wish I new what pains are normal and what is not. Reflecting back on it, I had all the signs of mc. I should have reallized sooner.

While the future still scares me, I don't want that to stop me from having a family one day. I'm going to ask doctor on Wednesday when I can start trying again. Any advice from personal experience?

 

[EarthMama]

I would wait a month. My doctor told me to wait 3 cycles last time, and it just wasn't necessary in my opinion. This time I'm going to wait a month, until I get my first period after MC, and then hop back on the trying to conceive pony.

It's really up to you.

As for being terrified when you get pregnant again of MC...yep, been there. The stress destroyed any enjoyment of the pregnancy I had but when I MC'd again, I realized the fear of it all was way worse. Now the next pregnancy, I am going to just relax, not tell anyone, and keep my mood stable. Worrying did not change reality for me at all so next time I'm pregnant I'm going to aim not to give into fear. Fear is the mind-killer, a bully, and an illusion.

Your chances are the same for women who haven't MC'd to have a healthy pregnancy as you've only had one loss, according to my doctor. I know MANY women who lost their first, only to go on to have many healthy babies. The important thing is just not to give up. Stay positive, and keep trying.

I had one healthy pregnancy, and then two miscarriages. I evaluated my diet, had blood tests done, and know where I've been going wrong. I have changed some things, and now I'm optimistic for the future. My advice is just to get healthier then you've ever been in your life, nurture and care for yourself like never before, it will help you in the TTC journey.

 

[Obsessing]

I am with you 100% on this! I worry that ill never get pregnant again and that if I do I'll miscarry again! This weighs on my mind all the time no matter what I am doing. But, when something is worth it, I never give up no matter how scared I am so my husband and I are trying again and I am just trying to be brave! I will be thinking of you and I hope that you don't give up too!

 

[Bella12]

Thanks for the info ladies.

EarthMama, I think you are right about being really healthy. That was something working against me from start. According to my GP I'm underweight, have a vitamin D Deficiency and have back issues. I wasn't taking vitamins before pregnancy. I think I'm going to keep taking prenatal vitamins and vitamin D Supplement. When I'm ready to start trying I will be ready and yes Obsessing, I will try again. It's funny because when I first got pregnant, I questioned if I was ready to be a parent. Then fell in love with idea of being a mom, started cleaning out a room and preparing my life for one of lifes greatest joys....then I mc and felt my world just torn out from under my feet. The last two months have really been a filled with every emotion possible. I DO plan to try again and not give up.

Thanks again for your advice and kind words

 

[EarthMama]

Yep, same here. I'm low in vitamin D and vitamin A. Vitamin A is the real problem for me...if you're low in A, it prevents you from absorbing other nutrients and vitamins like D. I am starting on Cod Liver Oil (which has a perfect balance of both A and D) and have changed my diet from vegan/vegetarian, to a more paleo/ancestral diet. I just have the feeling this will help me to carry to term again once my body is balanced and all my nutrient bases covered.

It WILL happen ladies. baby dust for everyone.

 

[Bella12]

When I went for my physical they mentioned nothing about vitamin A. Do they usually test for that one? I hope I'm just vitamin D deprived. I started really using sun block everyday because of all the talk of skin cancer and know I am vitamin D deficient. Can’t win for trying. Thanks for the baby dust! I’ll be needing it in few months.

 

[dairymomma]

I had 3 m/c before I had my son and even though I've since had my daughter as well, I've continued to have losses. It's hard to know what to think when you have had a loss and you don't know if there will be more. I went thru a very dark phase with my first 3 m/c, but having my son made every tear, every loss, every heartbreak so worth it because I KNEW I could make it to term. I'm not going to lie. Your next pregnancy will probably be filled with nervousness and anxiety but chances are you will have a healthy happy pregnancy. My sis had a miscarriage with her first and just had her 6th in 6 years in July. My s-i-l had a miscarriage and her 9th is 2. My m-i-l had a m/c but still had 7 children. Having one miscarriage is actually alot more common than most women think because it's not a topic people talk about all that much. If you don't have any risk factors for recurrent miscarriage (clotting disorder, family history of miscarriage, over 35, etc.) you probably will be fine. Just hang in there and your inner self will tell you when it's right for you to start trying again.

As for the vitamin A & D, I've had my vit D levels tested too but I had to go thru my naturopath for the testing. My medical doctors are strictly by the books type doctors and pooh-pooh natural remedies for the most part although they do let me do my own thing if I want to. My naturopath has tested several of his patients for vit D and says the only people who have healthy levels are those who do ALOT of tanning in the sun or work outside year-round. I was severely low at the time so he put me on a supplement. If you are wondering about your levels though, you can always ask the doctor to test for them. They might say no, but you won't know unless you ask right? Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for!

 

[Bella12]

Thanks Dairymomma! I'm looking for positive stories. I hoping time will get rid if the little voice in my head asking me questions like "can you even have kids?" And "are you sure you didn't cause this to happen." I know now, after all my research, that it happens often and that usually it is not as a result of something a person did. However, after 5 days of healing, I still have my weak days/moments. I think my biggest fear is can I carry a child to term.

As for vitamin D, I was tested this summer and was put on a supplement. I'm supposed to be retested later this month. I'm hoping my 15minutes of sunlight and supplement has helped.

 

[dairymomma]

If you want positive stories, I've boatloads of 'em. My sister had a m/c with her first pg (it was a honeymoon baby). She got pg again 2 months later and had their first child just 4 days before their first anniversary. I'll add she gave birth to her 6th child this summer and the oldest child will be 6 in December. My s-i-l had a m/c early on (between her 1st and 2nd kids I think) and her 9th just turned 2. I have an aunt who had so many m/c they just stopped telling people about them. She later went on to have a full-term pregnancy. Her son is 12 now I think. There's SO many positive stories on here too. Every time I start feeling sorry for myself, I hop on BnB and I get an instant dose of hope. It's hard NOT to listen to that little voice in the back of your head whispering 'what did you do?' but it'll fade as time goes by. It's hard not to worry about a pregnancy once you've had one with complications. You worry about every little ache and pain, fear every test and scan, and dread talking to the doctor. But it's all worth it when you DO get good news. "The heartbeat is fine." "The baby is okay." "Congratulations, it's a Boy/Girl!" If you hang onto those moments and that hope, it'll help get you thru the worrisome days. So good luck, I'll be thinking of you and FX your bloodwork comes back good when you get it done.