Please help. I am pregnant with baby #2. When I was pregnant with my daughter, although she wasn't planned, I felt really connected with her while I was pregnant. I FELT she was a girl from very early on. I would talk to her, and I just felt so completely in tune with this little angel growing in my womb.
Fast forward. My daughter is now 20 months. I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant. I was excited to get pregnant but never really felt as connected with this baby. Maybe it's because my husband was nervous in the beginning about a second one. Maybe it's because my daughter takes up most of my attention and time. I don't know....but I am struggling to feel a connection with this one , and I feel horrible for that.
Yesterday we had the anatomy scan. I was kind of hoping it was a boy because I wanted my husband to have a son to pass on his name, and I know it would mean a lot to him to be able to be the kind of father to his son that he wished his dad was. I have the chance to be the mother to our daughter that I wished I had, and I wanted the same for him. I also don't know if we will be able to have more or when, so I thought one of each would be nice (wishful thinking, I know). In my family, it was boy-girl-boy-girl. My husband's parents had 5 boys and 2 girls. So we thought we might get a boy this time! Well, they told us it was a girl. The emotions I felt were things I never wish on anyone. I felt shocked. I have issues and they're coming out. My younger sister was compared to me A LOT (still to this day) and it gave her massive issues. I was compared to my cousin who was always far thinner than me and did better in school...which of course wasn't good for my self esteem, either. I guess I felt by having a boy and a girl, we wouldn't have to deal with that....but I know they can compare to each other in different ways.
I guess my issue mainly is a deep rooted fear that I cannot be a good mother to two daughters. That I'm not strong enough or smart enough or worldly enough or educated enough to be a good role model. In terms of body image, I worked really hard to rid myself of most of my issues before having children because I DID NOT WANT to pass any of those things on to them. However, I fear passing on other issues.
I don't even really want to tell people. I don't want to hear people say, "Aw, well thats okay! The next one will be a boy". Or say something like they feel pity for my husband. I am just assuming that people will even say that. Everyone might be really supportive....but I'm just too emotional right now to deal with anything condescending or like they pity us. I don't want pity and I don't need pity. I've come to terms with it, and I'm happy to have two girls! I just can't deal with comments right now.
So, I had the ultrasound and then I saw the doctor and she informed me that the baby also has an echogenic intracardiac foci (EIF). So there I am sobbing in front of the doctor who I just met. She said it's probably nothing to worry about, but I now have to get ultrasounds every month and if it hasn't cleared by next month, we may get DNA testing. If our child has any chromosomal abnormalities, we will still love and cherish this child regardless, but of course it's scary to hear that at first.
Anyway, I've come to terms now and am actually happy about having 2 girls. I actually spoke to God about how I thought 2 daughters close in age would be so nice to have (years ago) because my sister is 9 years younger than me and we have never been very close, and I always craved to have a good relationship with a sister. I guess I just wanted my husband to have his boy...even though he's happy and doesn't seem to mind at all. He loves our daughter.
Okay, so I'm happy about 2 girls. I'm hopeful for our baby's health. A growing family is beautiful to me. Yet, I'm still feeling down....? I still feel like I'm processing everything. I still feel depressed. It should be down that I did have clinical depression years ago, and had pretty had PPD after our daughter was born....I still feel that empty feeling. I still feel like I have to force myself to do things that are normally fun for me. I have to force myself to exercise even though I know it is good for me and makes me feel better. I just don't have the energy sometimes...after taking care of my daughter and my husband and barely taking care of things around my super cluttered home....I'm beat. I can't live like that with 2 kids, I NEED to take care of myself more....I used to wake up at 4:30 am and exercise hardcore. I loved it. Now I'm lucky if I go for a walk or do 20 minutes of cardio. I just have no drive. Which I feel also ties in to me not feeling connected to baby #2. My husband says it's like a self fulfilling prophecy when I say "I think I'm just depressed"....but I truly feel like it's this all consuming low. I am the person who always wanted a family and now I can't connect to the child I am growing? It just doesn't add up. It just doesn't make sense. It scares the crap out of me. When I went on medication for PPD, I felt so much better....I'm thinking of asking for it immediately after I deliver. Would that be crazy? I just can't stand feeling this way. My family is my world and to feel like this is just not me.
Fast forward. My daughter is now 20 months. I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant. I was excited to get pregnant but never really felt as connected with this baby. Maybe it's because my husband was nervous in the beginning about a second one. Maybe it's because my daughter takes up most of my attention and time. I don't know....but I am struggling to feel a connection with this one , and I feel horrible for that.
Yesterday we had the anatomy scan. I was kind of hoping it was a boy because I wanted my husband to have a son to pass on his name, and I know it would mean a lot to him to be able to be the kind of father to his son that he wished his dad was. I have the chance to be the mother to our daughter that I wished I had, and I wanted the same for him. I also don't know if we will be able to have more or when, so I thought one of each would be nice (wishful thinking, I know). In my family, it was boy-girl-boy-girl. My husband's parents had 5 boys and 2 girls. So we thought we might get a boy this time! Well, they told us it was a girl. The emotions I felt were things I never wish on anyone. I felt shocked. I have issues and they're coming out. My younger sister was compared to me A LOT (still to this day) and it gave her massive issues. I was compared to my cousin who was always far thinner than me and did better in school...which of course wasn't good for my self esteem, either. I guess I felt by having a boy and a girl, we wouldn't have to deal with that....but I know they can compare to each other in different ways.
I guess my issue mainly is a deep rooted fear that I cannot be a good mother to two daughters. That I'm not strong enough or smart enough or worldly enough or educated enough to be a good role model. In terms of body image, I worked really hard to rid myself of most of my issues before having children because I DID NOT WANT to pass any of those things on to them. However, I fear passing on other issues.
I don't even really want to tell people. I don't want to hear people say, "Aw, well thats okay! The next one will be a boy". Or say something like they feel pity for my husband. I am just assuming that people will even say that. Everyone might be really supportive....but I'm just too emotional right now to deal with anything condescending or like they pity us. I don't want pity and I don't need pity. I've come to terms with it, and I'm happy to have two girls! I just can't deal with comments right now.
So, I had the ultrasound and then I saw the doctor and she informed me that the baby also has an echogenic intracardiac foci (EIF). So there I am sobbing in front of the doctor who I just met. She said it's probably nothing to worry about, but I now have to get ultrasounds every month and if it hasn't cleared by next month, we may get DNA testing. If our child has any chromosomal abnormalities, we will still love and cherish this child regardless, but of course it's scary to hear that at first.
Anyway, I've come to terms now and am actually happy about having 2 girls. I actually spoke to God about how I thought 2 daughters close in age would be so nice to have (years ago) because my sister is 9 years younger than me and we have never been very close, and I always craved to have a good relationship with a sister. I guess I just wanted my husband to have his boy...even though he's happy and doesn't seem to mind at all. He loves our daughter.
Okay, so I'm happy about 2 girls. I'm hopeful for our baby's health. A growing family is beautiful to me. Yet, I'm still feeling down....? I still feel like I'm processing everything. I still feel depressed. It should be down that I did have clinical depression years ago, and had pretty had PPD after our daughter was born....I still feel that empty feeling. I still feel like I have to force myself to do things that are normally fun for me. I have to force myself to exercise even though I know it is good for me and makes me feel better. I just don't have the energy sometimes...after taking care of my daughter and my husband and barely taking care of things around my super cluttered home....I'm beat. I can't live like that with 2 kids, I NEED to take care of myself more....I used to wake up at 4:30 am and exercise hardcore. I loved it. Now I'm lucky if I go for a walk or do 20 minutes of cardio. I just have no drive. Which I feel also ties in to me not feeling connected to baby #2. My husband says it's like a self fulfilling prophecy when I say "I think I'm just depressed"....but I truly feel like it's this all consuming low. I am the person who always wanted a family and now I can't connect to the child I am growing? It just doesn't add up. It just doesn't make sense. It scares the crap out of me. When I went on medication for PPD, I felt so much better....I'm thinking of asking for it immediately after I deliver. Would that be crazy? I just can't stand feeling this way. My family is my world and to feel like this is just not me.