Second time mum but feel low sometimes :-(

[plush_pink]

Hi ladies,

I thought I'd post here as everyone on here seems so friendly and supportive so I thought I'd give it a go.

Please don't think I'm moaning as I'm so thrilled to be pregnant with number 2, but I sometimes feel low and I don't like it (or think I should!). I'm currently a stay at home mum to my 17 month old daughter who I love more than anything and my next little nipper is due in 6 months. I used to be a full time teacher. We moved house 8 months ago to a new area and to be honest I feel quite cut off and lonely. I had a great circle of friends in my old area and also had some wonderful antenatal friends who's babies were the same age as my daughter.

I consider myself a very lucky lady to be a stay at home mum, and I never dreamed it would be possible. I'm just finding it hard to connect with other mums in my new area. And I NEVER thought I'd say this, but I actually miss working.

Argh I'm so mad at myself for feeling like this!! Sorry to spill on you guys.

 

[the why bird]

I can relate so much. I moved areas when my daughter was a baby and still haven't really found any friends up here. Being a stay at home parent is wonderful in some ways, but very isolating in others. I don't really have any advice since I feel much the same, but wanted to offer some virtual hugs. Don't get mad at yourself for being down. If we could flick emotions on and off like a light we would all be deliriously happy all the time.

 

[Selaphyna]

I know how you feel, I really do.

I moved to this area 6 years ago after I lost my job in my hometown. Figured it be easier just to move to my OH's town than to try to find another job in my hometown.

My DS was 5 at the time. He now lives with his dad as my financial situation got bad.

I know am pregnant with my second, and I'm feeling down/very emotional.

I don't have any friends here. I do work, but I don't connect with my coworkers on that level.

My OH actually started talking with this girl who works at one of the local restaurants here, and while he is trying to get me and her to hang out (because he wants me to have friends here), it's been hard for me just to get out there and talk to her or others because of things going on in my life. I'm stressed about work, the pregnancy, and bills.

Last night I was in tears (and even just writing this is making want to cry again, lol), and I felt so bad for my OH because he hates it when I cry.

Don't be hard on yourself. Being pregnant does bring out that emotional side.

 

[plush_pink]

Thanks ladies. I'm so sorry that you're both feeling the same way, as I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, it is a little relieving that I'm not the only one! I talk to my family about it but everyone else has so much going on that I don't like bothering them with it too much. My sister is the harshest about it and just names lots of her friends that have children and just expects me to get on with them, just because we have motherhood in common. I'm more than just a mum, I'm me. She just doesn't seem to get that! I know she's just trying to help and she's got such a social life, she can't understand why others find it hard.

Also, I know I'm really lucky as I've been with my husband for 15 years (we met when we were 13 in school), I'm very happily married, I have a beautiful healthy daughter, currently expecting number 2, have built a good career and when we moved, we moved into our dream house that's 4 bedroom, detached and in a lovely area.... So on the outside it looks like I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about and that my life is perfect blah blah blah!

But as you say, marriage, being a homeowner and a parent comes with its own worries and problems, a big one being money. As well as responsibility, bills, chores and putting yourself last. Lots of people without these responsibilities can sometimes not understand how difficult it can be sometimes. And when you have no adults around most of the time to talk to, these worries and feelings play on your mind more and more and you stew on them

I even tried connecting with other mums through netmums 'meet a mum'. Got a group of several mums together who claimed they wanted to meet others in the same situation etc but that all fell apart as I kept suggesting dates to meet up but no one responded! That made me feel like a complete idiot.

Anyway thanks for listening and sharing. I'm sure things will get better for us all x

 

[butterfly23]

Have you looked into mother/toddler playgroups in your area? Maybe try the local church or something? I never knew such things existed until my child was a year old, and then my life changed completely. Now it seems as though as can't step out the door without bumping into someone I know.

They are a great outlet for you and for your child. Good luck

 

[Gabrielle22]

Ugh, thank god I'm not alone. I miss working also, because I miss my social life, and not to mention the peaceful bathroom breaks and lunches lol I feel awful because I feel like, I shouldn't want to work. I should want to be home with my kids all day....but maybe it's not for everyone..? It gets depressing having conversation with a 3 year old 24/7. lol well besides later at night when the hubby comes home. All my friends are in college, not married and without children, so we can't really relate anymore. I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant, and it has been a complete emotional roller coaster. You are definitely not alone. I don't think people realize how HARD it is being a stay at home mom. Especially being mentally difficult. I think most moms are afraid to admit that being a stay at home mom is difficult, they think that since this is apparently what women are cut out to do, we should have this completely under control, and god forbid we have a temporary loss of sanity. lol Women need to talk about their struggle more often, keeping it to yourself only makes you depressed and discourages other mommies from talking about it in fear that they will be harshly judged. It's almost like, we believe there is a certain way we should feel about the matter, if we are the slightest bit unhappy, then we are almost forced to feel that we shouldn't be a mom.
Just criticism everywhere, I tell ya! lol
If any of this makes sense..??? Haha

 

[prbetsi75]

I applaud all you stay-at-home moms...And for being honest about how hard it is. This is why I plan to return to work after I have my baby. I'm a FTM, but I know I would feel the same way if I stayed at home full-time.

Thank you for your honesty. You have absolutely NOTHING to feel ashamed about.

 

[plush_pink]

Wow, thanks for all the wonderful responses here! It's really nice to know that other are feeling the same way and that even people who aren't stay at home mums, appreciate how hard it actually is.

I have joined a few playgroups, one of which I've kept up since January. The problem is, there are already cliques of existing friends there. They re pleasant people and we do chat whilst we are all there but it is pretty clear that they aren't interested in having anymore 'friends' as there social lives seem busy enough as it is. I don't blame them really as they have old school friends who have had children at the same time and, of course, they've all lived in the area their whole lives (or at least most of it).

I've heard great things about joining the church community as many people say these people become their extended 'family'. The only problem is I'm sort of an atheist. I would never judge people's beliefs but I would feel somewhat of a hypocrite being part of a church group purely for selfish reasons and not because I share their passion of Christ.

 

[Tigerlily01]

OP: Wow, except for the already having a kid part, I could have written this myself!

We moved late last summer, I left my job (which I LOVED) and social circle, and since we were ttc, I decided to "take a short break" from working, to wrap up a series of long term online training courses I was taking for work and decompress from the long hours of my previous job. I thought I'd love being at home, going for walks at the park, reading my book in a coffee house, etc...but it gets lonely since other professionals are at work all day, and I don't have a kid yet, so baby groups aren't my thing either. OH has also been crazy busy with work, so it gets really lonely.

We're only living here for a few years, and there's no point in looking for a job now ("Hi, please hire me, but oh btw I need maternity leave in August and we're moving a year and a half later, so by the time you train me I'll be leaving!" ). I never planned to be a SAHM though, and can't wait to go back to work. But I also feel guilty because I CHOSE this, I could have gotten a job right when we moved and decided not to.

It's hard not having adults to talk to all day, regardless of the reason. I don't think you are moaning at all, I never expected how hard this would be and I don't even have a LO to look after yet!

 

[hotslinthesun]

I can completely relate. My husband, 2 year old daughter and I moved to a very remote community 5 months ago. I left my entire family and my full time job behind. I was able to find a job up here in my field, but it's only relief work, 1-2 days a week and the rest of the time I'm a stay at home mom. I find my days at home the hardest. I love going in to work just to get a break. I love my daughter to pieces and love that I'm able to really watch her grow and evolve, but at the same time I get bored so easily. I miss the mental challenges that came with my job as well as the grown up socializing. Being a stay at home mom isn't only physically exhausting (especially when pregnant!), but no one really talks about the emotional and social challenges that come with it.

I have started to make some new friends up here going to mommy and me groups. The nicest ones that I've met are from the library - once a week they have a parent and tot group - and at the local pool. And now that the weather is nice going to the same park as often as possible also helps with meeting other moms.

Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. It's perfectly normal and does not mean that you're ungrateful, just that you're human. Try to get out as much as possible and maybe join a prenatal class (even though you've been there before) to try and meet new moms (who haven't already joined the cliques). Also, once the new baby comes you might find it easier to make friends with other brand new moms.