Severe separation anxiety

[dragonfly26]

My 5 yo is having sever anxiety leaving me for school. I thought it would get better with time, but it seems to be getting worse. She won't eat breakfast in the morning, usually comes back with her whole lunch which she'll eat on genway home. gagging/puking in the mornings. Using the bathroom for "big potty" several times before she leaves. Crying. She is very fearful that I will forget her. I've never ever forgotten her. Doesn't want to go to sleep at bed time just wants one more, hug one more kiss, one more snuggle then will eventually crawl in bed with her little sister and go to sleep. I've talked with the councilor at school and she said it's normal for kid to have anxiety when they are first starting school but this just seems excessive. I've bought book to read to her, tried incentives. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. Any suggestions would be great

 

[pillarbox_red]

That sounds really tough, I'd definitely say it's quite extreme
Is anything bothering her at school? Could she be struggling with something or worrying about something? Any kids being mean to her?
I'd probably also make an appointment with the dr to see if they can help.
Hope you find a solution.

 

[dragonfly26]

she always says she has a great day and plays with friends and no one is mean to her. I've been in contact with her teacher several times and she said The same thing. It's just really hard.

 

[_Meep_]

Oh God, the poor, poor little kid. How awful. I used to be terrified as a kid of my parents/siblings dying or disappearing. I remember sitting in the car one time while my mum went into the corner shop. I could see the door, so I KNEW she hadn't come out, but she was in there about 5 minutes and I was terrified she had died or gone missing. It was totally irrational, but that's what anxiety is like, and that's what this is.

As an adult, I still suffer from anxiety, quite badly at times, only I understand it better now. I do sometimes wonder if I would be different now if someone had picked it up and dealt with it while I was small, so it's good that you're aware of it and trying to find ways to help.

Is she afraid you might actually die while you're not with her (it's a very common fear of small children I think, especially if they are confused or worried about what happens when somebody dies, or afterwards)? Or is it just that you won't remember to come to get her from school? Does she hate being separated from you at any other time or is it just school?

Could a teacher speak to her and promise that if by some incredibly random occurance, you forgot her, she would be safely delivered home, or have someone called for her? Maybe she could carry a list of phone numbers of family members/friends who could be phoned if you forgot her (I know it's not likely to happen lol). Or maybe a teacher she might feel comfortable talking to could be made aware of the situation and provide reassurance if she is having a worry during the day? As a last resort, maybe they might even allow her to give you a quick call at lunchtimes (if convenient) until this passes, so she knows you haven't forgotten her and the poor little thing can at least eat her lunch ...

Just a few ideas I came up with, hopefully not too ridiculous. I feel so bad for her.

 

[dragonfly26]

Thank you for your reply. I have anxiety about irrational things all the time. I don't think o show it, but feel she must have picked up on it along the way. I feel like I'm always worrying about something. I.e. Ebola when that was a big story, Zika, school bus accidents, school shootings, and so on. And a lot of it is very irrational. Just recently she told me she doesn't want me to die and wishes we could all just live forever, so I think that is part of it, like she's worrying something will happen to me while she's gone. Funny (not funny) I worry the same thing about her. I think the phone list is a good idea, I think I will try that. Thank you! Also will contact her teacher and see if she thinks it will help or cause more issues. Last time I talked to her at school it ended with her crying and me feeling horrible. She knows my number but no one else's so maybe that will ease her mind, even though that would never happen. I wait outside her school for 1/2 an hour because I'm afraid if I leave later I will hit traffic or something will cause me to be late getting her and I waould hate for her to be there worrying. It is in all aspects that she doesn't want to leave me. The other day I had to take her little sister to the er and didn't want to bring them for fear of them catching the flu or something from the waiting room so I left them at my parents (who they love and see all the time) and she was crying and afraid I wouldn't pick them up on the way home. Not sure where it comes from as I've never left her anywhere. But I know that that doesn't mean anything when it comes to anxiety. I really need to get something worked out though as it is really taxing on all of us.

 

[SarahBear]

I think that if she has anxiety that is negatively impacting her functioning, you should seek professional help. In the meantime, however, you might want to try to find ways to address her fears. For example, if she's afraid you'll forget her, you could problem solve with her ways for you to remember her. For example, you could put an alarm on your phone or put a big picture of her in a specific location. Of course you won't really forget her, but if she knows you're going out of your way to remind yourself, it might help a little. The other thing you can do is make sure she has your phone number written down so that she can call you if you do "forget" her.

 

[mickeyanne12]

That's so hard. My daughter is almost 4 and she has suddenly started having some separation issues lately too. I think taking your daughter's fears seriously, even though you know they're irrational, is a good idea. Maybe asking her what would help her feel better when you drop her off would help her feel more secure. She could decide if she wants a phone list, as mentioned above, or something else. If nothing helps I'm sure talking to her doctor would be a good idea.

 

[Boo44]

A lot of the suggestions given already are great. I also read somewhere about a similar situation, and something that worked was the mum and child helping each other to draw a small little heart or star or something on each of their wrists, then telling the child whenever you miss me look at that star/touch it, and I will have mine too and I will be thinking of you too. I thought it was a nice thing for both to have it.

Hope something works out for you and for her xx