Sex questions

[FTB2017]

1st let me say this forum helped me a lot with being there in the right ways for my wife. A quick run down of our situation
... Relationship was all but dead 2 years after our current 7 year old was born (both at fault but I was not there for her at all after giving birth and that caused a lot of our issues)
... This past December I discovered a brief affair she had in 2015...my discovery came after we had conceived our current 8 week old baby girl.
... It crushed me but hitting rock bottom spurred change. I've since lost 95lbs and am muscular, energetic, and all around a better person.
... Our relationship, while strained and hitting bumps along the way, is stronger than it ever has been. Just a deeper connection than ever.

The only aspect that both of us are unsure about, or maybe even nervous about is sex. We didn't have much of it for a while... Actually had more during pregnancy than the year before. It was different... Better... More emotional... We are 8 and a half weeks after birth now and I have a few questions. She's made comments about how she cannot believe how good I look... She's also been pretty jealous at some advances I've received at work. I desperately don't want to screw this up. I do not want to put 100% of the honis on her to have sex... But want her to know how she's my only focus. This is virtually new territory for me. We really never reconnected when my son was born... I couldn't possibly remember when she felt comfortable then. Would me making a move if the time seems right be a bad idea? Is it something that we should talk about? I'd like it not to be a scheduled thing or seem planned but would never want her to feel pressured. When did you get comfortable enough? Were you nervous?
Anyway thanks a lot for the answers before... It really helped... We dealt with A Lot during the 9 months and it truly has us loving our future together.

 

[jessmke]

I wouldn't flat out make a move on her without talking to her about how she is feeling and if she is feeling ready for sex again. Let her know that you don't want to pressure her, but you find her sexy/beautiful/etc are up for it if she is. I am 3 1/2 months postpartum and we haven't had sex yet since the birth and I am still not ready. I have a minor prolapsed bladder that I am still trying to rehab, and even though sex won't make a prolapse worse, I just feel like my vagina is still under repair and just don't feel at all sexy as a result. Even if your wife doesn't have anything medical going on, she may not be in the mood, which is very normal especially if she is breastfeeding due to hormones. I have absolutely zero sex drive for the first six months or so of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding also causes a lot of vaginal dryness, so sex could be quite uncomfortable for a while. After my oldest was born I found sex uncomfortable for probably 5 or 6 months even if we used lots of lubrication. I also feel very "touched out", like I have a person touching me all day long, so when the kids are in bed at night I just want my body to myself for a while so sex is the last thing on my mind. I also spend all day long tending to other people's needs, so to be honest I don't really want to have to then tend to my husband's needs after the kids are in bed. Things get slowly better for us as the baby becomes more independent and starts to sleep better. So I guess what I'm trying to say is there are many reasons why she may not be in the mood for sex right now, none of them have anything to do with her level of attraction to you, so just talk to her about it and see how she is feeling. The last thing you want is to make a move on her when she isn't in the mood for sex at all, and then you end up feeling rejected and she ends up feeling guilty.

 

[MEPride]

I would agree with the previous poster. I had a c section so a slightly different scenario but I am still recovering from that. My relationship with my husband is very supportive and strong at the moment. I receive a lot of love and help from him. But because of multiple reasons I just do not feel ready for sex. Sleep deprivation, recovering from surgery, constantly attending someone else's needs since I am breastfeeding... sex has been the very last thing on my mind. My husband and I stopped having sex halfway through my third trimester. It was just too uncomfortable. Shortly after I started sleeping in a different room because we were just keeping each other awake since I couldn't find a comfortable position. It's been a long time since we've had sex. I know he is eager to have sex again. He has made a couple advances. But he has always respected my wishes immediately when I've told him I wasn't ready and I needed time.

More than anything... I have craved physical closeness with him. Hugging. Cuddling. Snuggling on the couch or curling up to him in bed.... I have craved that intimacy. Perhaps start there without any expectations of it going any further and broach the topic of sex (when you're not cuddling or hugging. No expectations). I think just being there for her this time is making a world of difference. Being post-partum is not a joy ride or easy. The hormonal fluctuation and sleep deprivation is insane and indescribable. It is TOUGH. Hardest thing I've ever done and that's after getting my clinical doctorate, holding a full time job, and running two LLC's simultaneously.

 

[MindUtopia]

I would just talk to her about it one night when you are alone. Not in like a you're making a move and want to know if she'll do it right then and there way, but just to check in and see how she's feeling. I know for me/us, there is absolutely no way I would have been ready at 8 weeks, but I wouldn't have been offended if my husband had raised the issue in a way that made me feel he wanted to make sure I was doing okay and to know I could talk to him about it when I did feel more ready. We didn't do it again until our daughter was 7 months. We were both exhausted, were bedsharing (so had to figure out the complexities of finding somewhere to do it, because our daughter was asleep in our bed), it just wasn't a priority. Certainly, amongst most people I know, it's not been for several months, but there's no harm done in bringing it up and letting her know you're there for her whenever she is ready or wants to talk about it. At the same time, I wouldn't worry that just because it doesn't happen right away that it's a sign things aren't good between you or that it won't come back strong when the time is right.

 

[FTB2017]

Thank you... Its funny you mention "closeness". My wife and i didn't have that before... Spent years with our king size bed bring a great divider for us. We make sure, every night, that there is time for us... Even if it's 5 minutes. The other night she woke me up at 2am and put her arms around me and we fell asleep together. It was probably the best I've felt in years... For a lot of reasons, mostly childhood, she's not an outward person with emotions so it really means a lot when she does stuff like that. We did talk a little last night... And she told me she feels a little intimidated by me since she doesn't feel 100% about herself and I'm a completely different person physically and confidence wise. It is a situation where I am going to have to lead... Which personality wise I knew... But I have a better understanding of her feelings since we talked. I have no issue waiting... And the thing that we talked about that I have to accept is the possibility of "being turned down"... She doesn't want me to not let her know how I feel... But wants me to understand that if it's not the time I have to not get offended. Feel a lot better... Most of this is so new for both of us... She said she feels older and less attractive while "you look better than you did in college"... (we are both 35). I cannot pretend to know what it's like for her but I feel more confident that I can be the one that helps this time around... After all our issues didn't reach their peak immediately... It was slow over years...