I have been doing SO good these last 2 days... Until today! I can't stop crying.... I feel so lost, alone, scared, extra clingy to my guy , feeling very insecure! Think my main feeling, well other than emptiness, wanting my daughter back... is FEAR... afraid of what else God has in store for me... Wonder what else bad is gonna happen... Who else am I gonna loose... Guess that is why I have been extra clingy to my guy & kids lately... and since I've been doing that craziness, I'm scared I'm gonna run him off.... Ughhh
What in the hell has happened to me??? I have been so positive...and trying to be upbeat thru out this nightmare..... But today has been aweful.... It's day 13 and this is worse than day 1.....
Anger has shown up as well.... BUT i'm only angry at God... Lots of WHYS tonight... As I sit here crying, bawling looking thru Emma's pictures I just cant understand WHY... WHY us? WHY her?? Am I such a bad person?? What lesson do I have to learn from this horrible event???? I am just at my all time low, my breaking point.... I am in a complete panic & hate this.....
I just miss my Emma so much it hurts .... I hate this physical ache .....hate having these melt downs.... hate feeling weak..