Sharing the pain of my heart

[dnlfinker]

I am sorry Andrea!

 

[Hellylou]

Big hugs for you today, lovely

This terrible event will always haunt us, and we all have our own unique element to it that we replay over and over again and wish for a different outcome, as if somehow we could change the unthinkable. You did your very best for your little baby at what was the worst time of your life. If we could go back to that moment with 10 years worth of prior knowledge I don't think we'd feel we got it right.

You may not have got to hold her and kiss her (I didn't do either of those things either, but that was because I just couldn't) but she is right with you every single day, and she knows you did your very best for her.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Natalie,
I feel awful for telling you I didn't do the D&E I just could not, but it was against my doctor's advice and I could have died the way I did it. At the time I didn't care if I died now I see I would have killed my 3 boys if i died and they would not have me their mother I am sorry if me telling you my story and telling you how I felt about the D&E hurt you, I am so sorry. Please you did nothing wrong it was a choice yes and now maybe you regret it but you can't change it but you can move on, your precious angel knows you love her, I feel so guilty for telling you about my story. Just know I could have died, my doctor didn't even come to the hospital for me he was so mad at me. I also had the sticks (Seaweed) up me , went into labor and refused to go, do you know what I put my husband through cause I did this???? he saw his daughter dead holding a cord while me his wife gave out screams of horror. I was so broken Natalie and for a long time I wished I got the D&E as my Sister In Law did as she seems fine, and I am still struggling every single day and I have a grave to go to every single day . Please I beg you from my heart don't put this guilt and regret on yourself, you did what they told you to do, don't regret it move past this and know she is safe in God's arm. I will never speak of my D&E again, I feel like I have hurt you or others that had one, I don't mean it that way I just always meant it was not for me, but I could have bled to death and then what, my kids would be totally lost. My poor husband I put him through hell just for my wants not his
I love you and I am sorry XOXO

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry you are feeling sad.

I think we probably all have feelings of regret and guilt at some of the decisions that we made at the time. At least, I do, anyway. There's one particular decision I made that haunts me, as I still question whether it caused me to go into labour. I keep having to tell myself that I didn't know what was happening at the time...this was the most scary moment of my life, I didn't know what was happening, it was a rush to make decisions, and, I made what I thought were the right decisions at the time, based on the information that I had.

It's all very well me looking back now, with the benefit of hindsight, all the time in the world to think about things, with the knowledge that I have now, and questioning my decisions, but at the end of the day, at the time, I had to make a decision and I did what I thought was best.

It's the same for you, and for everyone else...we have to believe that we did the right thing for us at the time, based on the information that we had.

your daughter knows that you love her, and would have done anything to save her, if you could have. I believe her spirit is with you always, no matter what happened to her physically.

xxx

 

[dnlfinker]

Andrea, i am about to go and erase the message that i wrote last night becaus it caused a big confusion. We all have our own story , feelings and so forth. I can relate to all your stories , cry for you and so forth, but please what you read has nothing to do with your personal story. I was feeling down because my husband and i had a conversation about this and it brought feeling of regret. I am so so sorry that it made you feel this way as it was never my intent. I understand that given birth to her , would not change much. It just seems like right now that having some kind of a funeral ceremony
or pic of her is whats missing. To be honest , I am very weak person and I would probably not be able to handle seeing her and it would hunt me for the rest of my life. Its probably normal to feel this way , and no decision is a right way. It is a life full of regret no matter how things went that day.
I deeply appologize if it make you feel that it was targeted towards you , it really wasnt. I was talking to my husband last night and he was complaining how I am always on this forum. So we had several back and forths , I blew up at that momement. I like to call you and talk in person , but I would rather do it when my family is not around , they simply dont understand. I hope to talk to you soon

Love
Natalie

 

[Andypanda6570]

Oh Natalie you didn't have to remove this thread. I didn't think it was aimed at me I just felt like me telling you my story more than once brought up bad feelings for you and regret and I would never ever want that I feel so terrible you felt you had to delete it, I am sorry. I know nobody understands this but us, I know that.
I feel like everytime I talk about how I didn't get the D&E and women read that I feel like I am hurting them in some way and I promise that is and never would ever be my intent. Please put what you wrote back, I am sorry I even posted that to you, I never ever want you to feel like you can't express your feelings, what kind of a friend would I be to do that, a terrible one. Please put your thread back. I am so sorry

 

[Andypanda6570]

If you don't put the thread back it will make me feel like a terrible friend.
Nat, I love when you call me I love the fact that we both grew up so close to eachother I don't want that to ever change, i want you to call me anytime anyday, please put the thread back, please

 

[dnlfinker]

My dear friend, its all fine. I will call you sometime tom afternoon.


Thanks