I'm not sure how to start this post really, I've been struggling with my mood lately. My birth was pretty traumatic for me, my husband wasn't much use in the delivery room & the midwives wouldn't listen to me. I felt very alone and violated. I then became unwell, I was anaemic from the PPH, I had a uterine infection. I was put on 2 different antibiotics & iron tablets. During the first 2wks, my DH was off for paternity leave & spent the entire time completely freaked out by the baby, the new responsibilities & the change to our relationship. He was there to help with our baby, but he wasn't present emotionally. He kept telling me that he was stressed, tired and possibly depressed. He was having thoughts about running away or killing himself. When I asked him to see a GP though, he miraculously got better & now admits that he was just being selfish. So on top of everything I was dealing with (the infection, anaemia & recovering from birth - forceps delivery which resulted in an episiotomy & 2 tears), I had to deal with him too. It was like I was looking after 2 babies. Making sure DH was eating & sleeping enough, even to the point of taking our baby and letting him have the evenings and lie ins! My friend says I'm stupid for doing that. But I didn't know what else to do.
I struggled in the beginning with our baby, for 4 days we were in hospital, he was jaundiced and not eating. Turns out I didn't have any milk. He lost 13.5% of his birthweight in 4 days & we were sent back to the hospital where I had to force feed him formula. DH again was no use, sulking and moping a lot. I did most of the care myself.
DH went back to work last week & he's been feeling better since, but I just feel so overwhelmed. Last week was bad, but this week has been worse and I've felt almost numb towards our baby. Sometimes when he cries, I want to just throw him. I wouldn't, obviously & I hate myself for feeling that way. I just feel so overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, his cries fill me with dread & anxiety, and the majority of the time, I tend to him out of obligation rather than wanting to.
Today DH has stayed home to help (I'm still in a lot of pain & now have a prolapse), but he's asleep again now. It feels like it's all about him & I'm so angry. I want to throw something at him. Why can't I be asleep?! Whenever I try, the baby stirs & I worry he'll wake up and need me any minute.
I've thought about hurting myself a few times, not necessarily killing myself, but just self harming I guess. I have a history of depression, anxiety and bulimia. I feel like I've focussed a lot of my anger towards myself and I'm so frustrated that I've gained weight since having my baby. I want to diet, but find myself eating everything in sight instead.
I don't know what to do or what to think. Every day I feel like my bond with my baby is getting worse. Today it felt easier because DH was here to take some of the strain away.. But now he's asleep, I'm just back to square one. It doesn't help that my baby cries for what seems like no reason at all. I think he might have reflux? But honestly I have absolutely no idea. It just makes me angry when he cries the way he does, the way he tenses up & kicks, punches, scratches and head butts me. It's just too much.
I have the health visitor coming tomorrow, I don't know whether to tell her all of this or whether it'll just pass. I don't feel this way all the time, when things are easier, I feel a little better. But it soon becomes too much. I thought PND would be constant bad thoughts.
I struggled in the beginning with our baby, for 4 days we were in hospital, he was jaundiced and not eating. Turns out I didn't have any milk. He lost 13.5% of his birthweight in 4 days & we were sent back to the hospital where I had to force feed him formula. DH again was no use, sulking and moping a lot. I did most of the care myself.
DH went back to work last week & he's been feeling better since, but I just feel so overwhelmed. Last week was bad, but this week has been worse and I've felt almost numb towards our baby. Sometimes when he cries, I want to just throw him. I wouldn't, obviously & I hate myself for feeling that way. I just feel so overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, his cries fill me with dread & anxiety, and the majority of the time, I tend to him out of obligation rather than wanting to.
Today DH has stayed home to help (I'm still in a lot of pain & now have a prolapse), but he's asleep again now. It feels like it's all about him & I'm so angry. I want to throw something at him. Why can't I be asleep?! Whenever I try, the baby stirs & I worry he'll wake up and need me any minute.
I've thought about hurting myself a few times, not necessarily killing myself, but just self harming I guess. I have a history of depression, anxiety and bulimia. I feel like I've focussed a lot of my anger towards myself and I'm so frustrated that I've gained weight since having my baby. I want to diet, but find myself eating everything in sight instead.
I don't know what to do or what to think. Every day I feel like my bond with my baby is getting worse. Today it felt easier because DH was here to take some of the strain away.. But now he's asleep, I'm just back to square one. It doesn't help that my baby cries for what seems like no reason at all. I think he might have reflux? But honestly I have absolutely no idea. It just makes me angry when he cries the way he does, the way he tenses up & kicks, punches, scratches and head butts me. It's just too much.
I have the health visitor coming tomorrow, I don't know whether to tell her all of this or whether it'll just pass. I don't feel this way all the time, when things are easier, I feel a little better. But it soon becomes too much. I thought PND would be constant bad thoughts.
