Should I be taking to a doctor about PND?

[SweetPea3200]

My LO is 11 weeks old today, 5 weeks corrected age. We were in the hospital for 2 weeks post birth just for him to gain some weight and maintain his body temp.

My labour was all natural and totally easy until the last two hours of it. It was exactly what I wanted but I found myself a little traumatized by the pain and embarrassed by how I handled it. When I think back on it now it makes me what to have an epidural for the next birth.

Anyways now that the back story is known, I can talk about how I feel now. I love my boy so much it's ridiculous. I also love my husband a crazy amount. Unfortunately I find myself getting crazy frustrated with both of them. When my son cries for an unknown reason and I can't settle him right away or when he gets frustrated with my slow flow, I get pretty intense feelings of rage. My jaw is getting sore from clenching it all the time and I'm often worried that I will hold my son too tightly or that my frustration may eventually get bad enough that I shake him. Of course when the rage passes I get awful feelings of guilt. I'm wondering if this is at all normal or if I should be speaking with a doctor? Doesn't seem like normal symptoms of PND, I'm really worried and overwhelmed by all of these feelings. Any help or advice would be lovely

 

[SparklesHeart]

Hello! I have no experience with pnd, but I do know how frustrating being a mother\wife can be. I would say speak to your Dr, or health visitor, it may not be pnd, I don't think it sounds like it, but talking about it with them might help you feel better about it, and they can help/make suggestions to help you.

 

[SweetPea3200]

Thanks so much! If I do have PND I was hoping to avoid medication anyways. Seems like talking may be the only solution. Anyone else have experience with these weird feelings?

 

[topsy]

Hey hun I had/have severe prolonged PND please speak to your HV or Gp hun they will help point you in the right direction sweetie xxxx

 

[MamaLoCo]

I think it's good that you feel guilty at least.
I didn't feel guilty...and I DID grab her too tightly and probably handled her too roughly- not TOO roughly because she never got hurt or anything but it wasn't always lovingly. I don't want to tell you that you DON'T have PND but it seems like normal mom-initiation. It's like, Welcome to Motherhood, it sucks the life out of you in a way that only other mothers will ever understand. Sleep deprivation will cause the mood swings and overwhelming frustration that you're dealing with. As much as your husband tries, he's never going to get it and until you accept that, what he helps with is never going to be enough.

If you are experiencing PND in a hormonal way, I will say it can definitely get worse so you might want to nip it in the bud before it gets bad.

I let mine get bad. I was going day after day just...like a zombie, not getting anything done, irritated when she cried, not playing with her, not making eye contact when I fed her, and getting angry and feelings of rage when I couldn't meet her needs right away. In my case my OB tried to sent me to the Emergency Room because he didn't want me home alone with my baby. I ended up in the ER and they did nothing except confirm that I needed either to start medication and get therapy or be hospitalized. Talk to your doctor and get on a waiting list for therapy, or see someone right away if you can.

I tried to imagine how I would feel if something did happen to her, like something tragic, just to see if I was really as empty as I thought. When a nurse asked if I had any thoughts of hurting her, I said no...but I feel like if something did happen to her, I wouldn't be devastated.

I was breaking things in my home because I'd get so stressed. With the baby in my arms and all that rage, I didn't want to take it out on her, so I'd hit things, throw things, kick things...throw the baby swing across the room at the wall...

I wasn't eating and I'd go days without showering. For a while, I had no idea what day it was because it just all blurred together. I wanted to leave my husband.

I had a lot of things that let it snowball so you have a bit to be thankful for. I planned for a natural unmedicated birth and wanted absolutely nothing to do with an epidural or pitocin and said I would run out of there if they tried to cut me open. But 24 hours after my water broke, I gave in to the induction and epidural and after 31 hours had to have a C-section. We didn't get to bond after birth. Breastfeeding did not go our way. Everything was just wrong, so being a mother to this baby felt wrong too and I know I'll never have that bond created by the oxytocin (love hormone) rush when the baby leaves the birth canal, immediate skin to skin, and breastfeeding. I'd get mad at her for needing my attention when I was trying to pump milk- like "how dare you be so ungrateful that I spend all my free time attaching my boobs to a machine FOR YOU so YOU have the BEST nutrition and you won't even let me do it! " I blamed her for not being able to breastfeed even though it wasn't her fault.

My dog died a month after my baby was born and I was ridiculously attached to her and I got EXTREMELY depressed. I resented my baby because I felt like maybe without her, I could've noticed my dog was declining and saved her (I know that's not true) and like having to care for my baby was preventing me from being able to grieve. I lost my baby (dog) and I didn't like that I had a new human baby, who I hardly knew, to take care of. I know that sounds messed up but I didn't feel like I loved my baby. I'm still trying to get to know her after that period of darkness - she's 9 weeks old now.

I'm not trying to one-up you or anything. I got too low to even explain but I have a history and should have known better and anticipated it a little better. I figure hearing how other moms felt, you might be able to better judge how you feel. But everyone is different. If you feel like it's wrong, then it's wrong.

In your situation, you're overwhelmed and tired. Everyone is going to tell you this - put the baby down and walk away to breathe. I know you might not think to do it in the moment because you're seeing red but just try. Sleep when you can, etc. If it helps, pump some milk and let someone else bottle feed while you nap or something.

Progesterone cream might help. I had a lot of ladies who had PND suggest that and I think it has been helpful.

Sorry for the long post but I hope I could help you at least feel better about your own situation.

 

[LittleLala]

I hope you're alright. Maybe talk to your doctor and they can refer you to a psychologist? Even one session might help get your thoughts and feelings out. X

 

[SweetPea3200]

MamaLoCo I can't express enough hope grateful I am for your post. It really puts things in perspective for me. I realize now that my frustration is very normal and I'm so happy that I only feel it every once in a while. I'm still planning on discussing it with my doctor at my next appointment. Thank you again, I really hope that everything is going well for you now. It's totally normal not to bond with baby right away. I feel like that may have been an issue for me since he was such a preemie and they had to take him away right away. It's really hard but I know it will just get better and better for you!

 

[laila 44]

I think as new moms we tend to get so caught up in the things that don't even matter in the grand scheme. I got frustrated with my babies, I once flipped a glider chair bc my dd had vomited her feed for the 5 th time that day, after it took 1hr to feed her and now it was all over the room and I had to start over. So what? We're allowed to feel anger, rage sometimes yes! It's normal. You are exhausted, juggling a new life and adjusting. As crazy as it all sounds now I promise it does pass. I am the type of person that doesn't bond instantly with my kids, for me love grows as I get to know my kids and their personalities. I worried so much about bonding properly with my first that it took away from me enjoying my newborn. That baby is now 4 and is my life, my world and my soul!! So please unless you feel in your heart that you have a huge problem needing meds etc just give yourself time to adjust... Don't sweat the small stuff and the silly postpartum thoughts. Everything falls into place we just beat ourselves up too much in the process. If you need to see someone then do so by all means but just know a lot of what you feel is sooooooo normal xx

 

[Larkspur]

Hi Sweetpea, I just found this thread because someone dragged up an old one of yours that I replied to, where you were asking what makes motherhood hard! A lot of people, including me, described feelings like those you're having now, so I think you are finding out first-hand!!

I just want to say I think your feelings are totally normal and common to a lot of women. I don't think they are necessarily a sign of PND, and thy will probably pass on their own, but by all means talk to your doctor if you want to.

One "mantra" I found really helpful to repeat was "He's not giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time". That gave me perspective. It sounds simplistic, but focusing on my breathing and making sure I had enough to eat and drink were also really important in helping with keeping my emotions stable.

Congratulations on your baby, and you sound like a great Mama.

 

[SweetPea3200]

Thanks so much Larkspur! You're right I am finding out first hand. It's something you can't really describe very well and I totally didn't get it before. We're doing well now