should I leave him?

[Mummy2B1989]

Sorry for the long post...im 19 weeks pregnant with baby 2..ds1 is 2.5. For the past few months things have been really tense with me and oh...we have massive arguments because I dont satisfy him enough. I'm too tired come night time for anything.

Anyway hes threatened to leave me because apparently I treat him more like a friend than a partner. This is untrue. I work two jobs to provide for our family.

Anyway tonight's almost been the last straw.our sons been away for a few days with my parents visiting family and came home today. Oh took him to bed and he got really upset and oh completely lost the plot shouting at him to shut up and sleep..to be quiet. Not talking. Shouting. I ran up and told him to peavenand calm down and id get ds to sleep..only for him to turn around and shout right in my face to leave and that he would do it. Ds got out of bed and ran to me and oh grabbed him n put him bk into bed. I disnt raise my voice as ds was hysterical and oh was going crazy. He then pushed me out the room and banged the door closed. While ds was shouting for me. I was so upset that I didnt go in..I was afraid of scaring ds. I feel like a terrible mother. I shouldve took hik and left and gone round to my mums. Not just left him. Hes settled now but I literally cant stop crying.
I cried myself to sleep the other night cos I thought he was gonna leave me for not being intimate enough. Now I dont know if I want him in my house.

 

[Yo_Yo]

After what you posted-yes, I'd leave. He pushed you and your pregnant, and he shouted at a 2.5tr old. I know my dd2 is that age and would be frightened.

Can you leave tonight for your parents if just for a few days whilst he is being so horrible?

I left dd1s dad after he shouted at our newborn baby girl and held his fist over her. I had suffered lots prior, and leavibg for me was the best thing I did.

 

[Nikko88]

That sounds like a very scary situation. It's up to you how to handle it, but it sounds like some serious conversations need to take place at a minimum.

If you don't feel safe, leave (with DS) and find some support to deal with the situation in a way that is safe for everyone involved. In the end, you know how you feel better than anyone on a message board.

 

[kealz]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and of course you want to do the best thing for you and your ds. My heart was beating so quickly reading this. Like others have said, the choice has to be yours. If it's happened time after time then I can only say that the likelihood would be that it will happen again in the future and if it was me, I would like to think I would be strong enough to leave.

Good luck in what you decide. x

 

[Mummy2B1989]

Thank u for your replies.

Ive calmed down a bit and im now in ds' bed having a cuddle.

I feel physically sick.

I just had to vent to someone who didnt actually know me or him.

I know the way he acted was unacceptable and il never forgive or forget that.

The only reason I intervened was because I heard my son getting upset. I know he was just tired but oh had no right to shout at him. God..he's not even seen him since Tuesday and he's bring like that.

I do think I want us to work things out. But part of me worries I only want that cos im afraid to be alone. I really dont know. Bring with him is like a habit sometimes but I do love him.

I dont think he appreciates me. I work two jobs..im pregnant..bringing a toddler up as well as keeping a house.

I think hes right about the intimacy thing tho..its always been a problem. I think I just have a low sex drive. I tried to blame pregnancy but I think theres something wrong with me there.

Sometimes I want to lock myself In a room and just cry

 

[messica]

I'd take your son elsewhere and then have a talk with him somewhere public. Tell him he needs anger management/therapy at the very least, and if he doesn't get it you're leaving with the kids, period.

Past behavior is the best indicator of what's in store for you in the future. It sounds like things are escalating and it's only going to continue to get worse unless/until you put your foot down and demand he change - NOW.


That would never, and I mean NEVER be ok with me. Well, I should say I allowed it in my first marriage and it indeed escalated to him nearly killing me. I was the same as you, always wanting to work it out and give him the benefit of the doubt - I learned my lesson and it absolutely came at the expense of my children and I. The scars still remain both physically and mentally. If my husband now ever got that upset with a toddler and then got physical with me in ANY way I'd immediately call the cops and have his @ss thrown in jail. No way I'd stay. Period. They cross the line once they WILL do it again.

 

[Brightxeyes]

I don't think there's any need to get a short fuse with your child though.

No matter how tired he is. You gave him chance to leave the room and calm down and he didn't take it.

Fair enough if you want to talk it out and make it work, or at least give it a shot to see if it's worth it.

Talk to him when he's calmed down and say next time just ask you to put your son to bed and please don't raise his voice at him. It's not gonna make any toddler want to sleep being stimulated with such loud shouting before bed time.

Ask him why his fuse got so short tonight, is there anything else bothering him, or is he literally just tired and irritable?

If he is just tired and irritable then encourage him to say it, and give him a hug or a bit of affection.

Me and my other half have experienced a bit of a rough patch towards the middle of the pregnancy. And say we hadn't had sex for weeks, I felt worse because we weren't flirty or affectionate either. And it literally was like we were friends.

So if you're too tired to have sex and feel too tired to feel incredibly sexy then still have the affection! If he's having a bad day, make sure to add a couple of extra hugs, touch his arm, back etc when you talk!

You both need to communicate and he's already mentioned that he feels like you two are just friends and not a couple, so you know that's one thing you need to work on. But maybe talk about it calmly first. Like say yeah you've noticed the affectionate actions have gone downhill too, and you miss it. And obviously being pregnant you don't feel so sexy etc but will try and at least be a little more lovey dovey.

Know what I mean? It sounds like a number of things on top of that is bothering him. And he needs to communicate that with you rather than take it out on you, or your son. So when he's calm sit him down and talk about it like adults. Because you can't make anything better if you can't talk openly about it. Say what you want to be different and ask him what he wants to be different and you can both work on it.

If he continues to lash out in that way and not take on board what you guys talk about then I would definitely consider leaving him.

But I reckon it's a lack of calm communication.

 

[EmzyJA]

You sound a bit like myself 2 years ago!! My husband was in the army at the time and my daughter was 1. He was nasty at times and took his stresses out on me and my daughter (although not physically) but emotionally. We ended up separating for a couple of months and he was desperate for us to make things work. We ended going to marriage councilling and it helped us a lot. We got back together and moved, (he'd just left the army around the time we separated) and things have been great since. We hardly ever argue anymore and when we do he doesn't lose his temper like he used to and things are great between us now. It did take a lot of work between both of us but if you really love him and want to make it work councilling is a good step and maybe some space between you for a bit. Only you can decide what to do and if he can't or won't do what it takes to change his behaviour then I'd strongly suggest you not put up with it because it won't go away on it's own.

 

[MamaLa]

It's not your fault. I would definitely get away. He should not be so hostile. There was a point where OH and I thought we would have to abstain because of an possible short cervix, and he was nothing but supportive. So the least he could do is be understandable and
Be grateful that your healthy and LO is healthy. It's hard to be sexy, and work two jobs while growing a baby.

 

[Gnomer]

I think you have to weigh things up. Has this happened before? Was it totally out of the blue or is he struggling with other issues (apart from being tired).

My OH has shouted at our little boy, but there were other stressors involved. I never ever thought he'd be physically violent to our son, and I knew after his little outburst he'd be feeling guilty. I didn't intervene so the situation wasn't made worse. I have my Boy cuddles afterwards, he was fine. Forgot all about it.
I then spoke to OH after he'd calmed down, explained I don't like him shouting at our son, and that if he felt himself getting wound up in future, to let me handle it.
It hasn't happened again. We resolved the issues that caused his outburst (eventually).
People can react differently when they have a lot going on. I also think men can be as emotionally effected as women when it comes to pregnancy. Although they aren't carrying the child, they will have the same worries as the woman.

If there are no stressors, and it is him just having a long tiring day and then taking it out on your son, I'd be more worried about a repeat performance.
As it is, I think you and your OH need to talk. Hopefully he'll open up and you can move forward.

 

[kmpssbl]

I hate to see these things happen. It breaks my heart. I too have a low sex drive. Always have. Hubby respects that, but we still make it work. He doesn't get mad at me though. Disappointed? Yes.
It seems like you two need better communication about the subject. He needs to listen to what you have to say. You're working two jobs and raising a toddler, I cannot even imagine. He may not realize the stress you put on yourself, but he needs to be supportive, and not lash out at you or your son. If he truly loved you, he would accept the intimacy issue and work through it, not fight about it.

I agree you should take your son and go to your mom's, like you mentioned. A child should never be put in a situation like that. And with you being pregnant, the yelling and screaming just causes your stress level to rise, which in turn hurts the baby. Maybe you could try to calmly explain to him that you are taking your son and getting away for a few days, and then he can have some time to think. It may make him realize some things.

Good luck lovely I am praying for you.

 

[_jellybean_]

I would leave--would not want my child around him so sorry.

 

[CastawayBride]

Sorry for the long post...im 19 weeks pregnant with baby 2..ds1 is 2.5. For the past few months things have been really tense with me and oh...we have massive arguments because I dont satisfy him enough. I'm too tired come night time for anything.

Anyway hes threatened to leave me because apparently I treat him more like a friend than a partner. This is untrue. I work two jobs to provide for our family.

Anyway tonight's almost been the last straw.our sons been away for a few days with my parents visiting family and came home today. Oh took him to bed and he got really upset and oh completely lost the plot shouting at him to shut up and sleep..to be quiet. Not talking. Shouting. I ran up and told him to peavenand calm down and id get ds to sleep..only for him to turn around and shout right in my face to leave and that he would do it. Ds got out of bed and ran to me and oh grabbed him n put him bk into bed. I disnt raise my voice as ds was hysterical and oh was going crazy. He then pushed me out the room and banged the door closed. While ds was shouting for me. I was so upset that I didnt go in..I was afraid of scaring ds. I feel like a terrible mother. I shouldve took hik and left and gone round to my mums. Not just left him. Hes settled now but I literally cant stop crying.
I cried myself to sleep the other night cos I thought he was gonna leave me for not being intimate enough. Now I dont know if I want him in my house.

It sounds like you know what you should have done. I hope in the future you make the best decision for your children and not worry about being alone. He needs help and you turning your eyes away will not get him that.

 

[RinnaRoo]

Idk how you can be so quite about all of this. My patience for that kind of behavior is zero to none and we would have been fist fighting as soon as DS was asleep. There is no reason for him to be shouted at like that because he wouldn't go to sleep. He's still little and its scary to him.
As for him pushing you while pregnant, like I said, we'd be some fighting fools. No man is ever stronger than a woman. No man should make a woman feel less than loved and protected. Stick up for yourself and your children. Leave, or put your foot down and make sure he knows that's the first and last time you're made to feel that way.

 

[messica]

Idk how you can be so quite about all of this. My patience for that kind of behavior is zero to none and we would have been fist fighting as soon as DS was asleep. There is no reason for him to be shouted at like that because he wouldn't go to sleep. He's still little and its scary to him.
As for him pushing you while pregnant, like I said, we'd be some fighting fools. No man is ever stronger than a woman. No man should make a woman feel less than loved and protected. Stick up for yourself and your children. Leave, or put your foot down and make sure he knows that's the first and last time you're made to feel that way.

Pretty much how things would play out in that situation in my house too.


The day any man tries to push me, pregnant or not, away from my child is the day they're not going to be physically able to walk away from that altercation - without question.