my MIL is getting on my nerves, long story short we moved out an got our own house paying for bills and everythings fine till my husband went an blew loads of money (another story) and now we'r finding things a bit difficult bcos im not working atm due to high risk pregnancy and can't get any benefits (i wasn't working a permanent job previously so not entitled to mat leave etc) now my MIL trying to tell me i need to go back to work when baby is 3 months old to help my husband out (why should i its his fault we in this situation) i want to exclusively breastfeed baby till at least 6 months how can i work wen im doing that!!! so frustrated sorry had to rant
sick and tired of MIL
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CatherineK
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Sorry you are frustrated, sounds like your husband needs to step up and get a second job... but just had to mention working moms can breastfeed! My kids have never had formula, and I've had to go back to work when thy were each 8 weeks old. I pump when I work and nurse when home.
yh thats exactly wat i wana do tell her how i feel, but being the indian daughter in law cnt really do that (disagreeing with the MIL can be seen as being disrespectful if i say it to her face lol).i know that mums can express and feed that way but thats not something i want to do its my 1st baby and i don't want to miss out any time with him, i'll be goin back to university wen his nearly 6 months so i can finish off and get my degree
she also thinks shes gna come round here weneva she feels like it and take baby so she can spend time with him!
she also thinks shes gna come round here weneva she feels like it and take baby so she can spend time with him!
rowleypolie
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Exactly what Catherine said. My DH lost his job in March and that made life really hard for a bit. I work in home doing daycare, so it wasn't like I could just go get a different job. He had to pick up a night job as a pizza delivery driver, lol. It makes way more money than other part time jobs and has made life so much easier. He plans on working it till baby is a few months old.
On a side note, if you don't want to work a traditional job, there are loads of things you can do at home. I make pretty good money and I am home with my kids, it's win-win
On a side note, if you don't want to work a traditional job, there are loads of things you can do at home. I make pretty good money and I am home with my kids, it's win-win
wristwatch24
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It sucks that he has gotten you into that situation, but you are married and I think it's kind of against the spirit of marriage to say "why should I have to help, he got us into this situation." A marriage is a partnership and marriage vows say "for richer or poorer" etc, not "you mess up and everything is on you." You are a team and both of you should pitch in if something is necessary for your family. Just my two cents and that is what I would do if I were in your situation. This is not excusing what he did and that should be worked through, but I just think of marriage more like a team, even if one member of the team messes up.
Edit: Also a lot of people breast feed and work, so I think you could still go to work and be able to breastfeed like you want to.
Edit: Also a lot of people breast feed and work, so I think you could still go to work and be able to breastfeed like you want to.
fatandlumpy
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Ahhh... what we have here a couple of cultural clashes...
1) Asian parents... in a Western culture. I'm 1/2 Chinese and my Mum is currently being the MiL from Hell to my OH (Scottish). I can understand some aspects of her behaviour as I have sprung from her uterus but also I can see her own influences driving her to be the way she is. I can adjust (as I'm used to it) the boyf, on the otherhand, is nearly a gibbering wreck when she phones. Asian cultures are notoriously matriarchal when it comes to things like this and it's difficult when you're on the receiving end. Actually - my own MiL2B (Scottish Granny) is trying to establish some form of power base too, (i.e. giving ME the lecture about 'not being married' even when it's her son who's the problem here... still married to his ex-wife whom he left over 8 years ago... long story). Plus the witch is STILL on about my weight and rings her darling son up for updates on how much I'm eating. B*tch...
(ahem - I digress)
Also - I've noticed a big divide in the attitudes concerning maternity leave in this forum. In the UK we're blessed with the fact that we can take paid leave for a substantial amount of time and we take a whole year off if we choose to. In fact even in the competitive field of scientific research it is considered a bit 'off' if you come back to work too early... one of my friends came back to work after 4 months and was judged to be a bit early in doing so... My own boss and several senior academics have been saying I'm hanging around too long and in fact my Boss has TOLD me that he doesn't want me back until 6 months! My own friends (who are scientists and working mothers) have told me that perhaps 6 months is not enough and recommend at least 9 months! A consultant dermatologist that I used to work with is just returning after taken 15months!!!These are all highly educated and dedicated women, so - I think the OP deserves a bit of a break from getting too much criticism from our US cousins concerning wanting to spend some time with her 1st born.
I believe in the US you get just 12 weeks mat leave. That sucks.
PS - I think you NOW should start standing up to your MiL. It will get worse if you don't believe me. She HAS to respect your wishes as the mother of the child. You need to tell her that in a calm manner without losing control or getting upset.
I agree that a relationship is a partnership - but still - if someone f*cks up (like the OP's OH) then they really should compensate for what they did. The OP should not be expected to go to work to bail out the family if she feels it will compromise her bonding with her baby.
1) Asian parents... in a Western culture. I'm 1/2 Chinese and my Mum is currently being the MiL from Hell to my OH (Scottish). I can understand some aspects of her behaviour as I have sprung from her uterus but also I can see her own influences driving her to be the way she is. I can adjust (as I'm used to it) the boyf, on the otherhand, is nearly a gibbering wreck when she phones. Asian cultures are notoriously matriarchal when it comes to things like this and it's difficult when you're on the receiving end. Actually - my own MiL2B (Scottish Granny) is trying to establish some form of power base too, (i.e. giving ME the lecture about 'not being married' even when it's her son who's the problem here... still married to his ex-wife whom he left over 8 years ago... long story). Plus the witch is STILL on about my weight and rings her darling son up for updates on how much I'm eating. B*tch...
(ahem - I digress)
Also - I've noticed a big divide in the attitudes concerning maternity leave in this forum. In the UK we're blessed with the fact that we can take paid leave for a substantial amount of time and we take a whole year off if we choose to. In fact even in the competitive field of scientific research it is considered a bit 'off' if you come back to work too early... one of my friends came back to work after 4 months and was judged to be a bit early in doing so... My own boss and several senior academics have been saying I'm hanging around too long and in fact my Boss has TOLD me that he doesn't want me back until 6 months! My own friends (who are scientists and working mothers) have told me that perhaps 6 months is not enough and recommend at least 9 months! A consultant dermatologist that I used to work with is just returning after taken 15months!!!These are all highly educated and dedicated women, so - I think the OP deserves a bit of a break from getting too much criticism from our US cousins concerning wanting to spend some time with her 1st born.
I believe in the US you get just 12 weeks mat leave. That sucks.
PS - I think you NOW should start standing up to your MiL. It will get worse if you don't believe me. She HAS to respect your wishes as the mother of the child. You need to tell her that in a calm manner without losing control or getting upset.
I agree that a relationship is a partnership - but still - if someone f*cks up (like the OP's OH) then they really should compensate for what they did. The OP should not be expected to go to work to bail out the family if she feels it will compromise her bonding with her baby.
Amygdala
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Some great advice from fatandlumpy!
Just wanted to add that if you've been working at leas 26 out of the last 66 weeks (and have been paying class 2 national insurance), then you're entitled to Maternity Allowance. It's 90% of your average income or about £135 a week I think, whichever is less. And you give them 13 weeks (out of the last 66) of your own choice to calculate the average from, so you can pick them to get the maximum MA.
Just wanted to add that if you've been working at leas 26 out of the last 66 weeks (and have been paying class 2 national insurance), then you're entitled to Maternity Allowance. It's 90% of your average income or about £135 a week I think, whichever is less. And you give them 13 weeks (out of the last 66) of your own choice to calculate the average from, so you can pick them to get the maximum MA.
bunni84
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oh God the indian MIL heard too many stories about this.
I'm asian too but my in laws dont interfere with me..its my family who do that instead, thinking i will mess up my baby and want me to live with them for 1st month (um...DH needs time with baby too...hello?!)
she probably thinks her son can do no wrong so expects you to pick up the slack - VERY WRONG, hes the man...tell him to step up and correct HIS mistake! you're to become a mum now your priority is your little one. too many mums baby their sons and think they can do no wrong - this annoys me so much esp in our asian culture!
As for her taking baby when she likes...uh no, you're the mum..baby stays in your house and she just plays role of grandma..plays wth baby and thats it. sometimes you have to step up and have your say, or have words with your hubby, works sometimes. there are ways of saying things without it being disrespectful.
Tami
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I just wanted to add that after baby is born you will receive child benefit and most likely child tax credits (depending on your husbands work situation) which will help I'm sure!
If you qualify for child tax credits over a certain amount there is a good chance you can also receive the sure start grant which is £500, so there is help you there, you just need to look for it!
It might be worth going down to your local citizens advice or job centre- and having a chat, explain your situation and see what they say.
At the end of the day while you going back to work sounds like a great idea in theory money wise, you also have to take into account the extra costs you would incur because of it, for example child care!
I know a lot of people breastfeed and work using a pump, and although you've said it's not something you want to do sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to, especially when your family depends on it. But don't let anyone bully you into it. Figure out what you'll be entitled to after baby, make a spreadsheet of all your outgoings (bills, food, etc) and see where you are, you might be in a better position than you think.
Does your OH get paid monthly? If so then is it just one short month you're going to have or were you relying on savings to live? If this is the case maybe looking for cheaper accomodation or cutting down on things like tv (presuming you pay a subscription) would be a better option!
We're in our first home too, and it's really just a case of working out what you can afford each month with the money you have coming in!
xx
If you qualify for child tax credits over a certain amount there is a good chance you can also receive the sure start grant which is £500, so there is help you there, you just need to look for it!
It might be worth going down to your local citizens advice or job centre- and having a chat, explain your situation and see what they say.
At the end of the day while you going back to work sounds like a great idea in theory money wise, you also have to take into account the extra costs you would incur because of it, for example child care!
I know a lot of people breastfeed and work using a pump, and although you've said it's not something you want to do sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to, especially when your family depends on it. But don't let anyone bully you into it. Figure out what you'll be entitled to after baby, make a spreadsheet of all your outgoings (bills, food, etc) and see where you are, you might be in a better position than you think.
Does your OH get paid monthly? If so then is it just one short month you're going to have or were you relying on savings to live? If this is the case maybe looking for cheaper accomodation or cutting down on things like tv (presuming you pay a subscription) would be a better option!
We're in our first home too, and it's really just a case of working out what you can afford each month with the money you have coming in!
xx
Thanx for the advice everyone, its not the fact that i don't want to work as a team with my husband to help out its the reason we'r in this situation in the first place he used the money to buy drugs (he wasnt on drugs when i married him) and becasue of that reason im not giving up time with my baby.
Yh the child benefit and tax credits will definately help, its just the fact that MIL knows the reasons behind all of this but she still chooses to pick on the fact that i should go back to work, my SIL got made redundant after she had 8 months off when she had her baby (due to company closing down) her sons now 15 months and my MIL tryed to say even shes looking for a job now her sons 15 months not a newborn!!
i've bailed my husband out a few times because of his habit even to the point where he emptied my account, i just thinks its unfair for MIL to put it on me
Yh the child benefit and tax credits will definately help, its just the fact that MIL knows the reasons behind all of this but she still chooses to pick on the fact that i should go back to work, my SIL got made redundant after she had 8 months off when she had her baby (due to company closing down) her sons now 15 months and my MIL tryed to say even shes looking for a job now her sons 15 months not a newborn!!
i've bailed my husband out a few times because of his habit even to the point where he emptied my account, i just thinks its unfair for MIL to put it on me
Yh u got it in one this is exactly what its like she thinks he can do no wrong even after everything his done (explained in previous post)
bunni84
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drugs?! oh wow im sorry to hear that.
do your family know too? MIL knows all this yet still expects you to bail him out..sorry he needs to step up or he will always think he can keep doing drugs coz you will bail him out and his mum supports him. this behaviour is not helping him.
tried asking him to go rehab or anything? hes got a child on the way you cant live in this situation if hes doing drugs.
its time to think of yourself and baby...forget about the "disrespect" to the in laws...its about baby's safety now. if your family know talk to them about this too.
do your family know too? MIL knows all this yet still expects you to bail him out..sorry he needs to step up or he will always think he can keep doing drugs coz you will bail him out and his mum supports him. this behaviour is not helping him.
tried asking him to go rehab or anything? hes got a child on the way you cant live in this situation if hes doing drugs.
its time to think of yourself and baby...forget about the "disrespect" to the in laws...its about baby's safety now. if your family know talk to them about this too.
Yh my last pregnancy i lost my baby at 22 weeks and he took it badly but thats no excuse thats when i found out about the drugs and he genuinely was sorry for doing it he didnt do it for a long time after that but a few months ago i found out his doing it again, took money from my account, emptied his own account and took money from his savings account (which MIL has card for but he managed to get hold of it) i told my mum about him taking the money but it was only yesterday that i told her what for and she was furious even more so at the fact that his mum knows all about it and yet she's trying to tell me to go to work.i tried to mention rehab and he has told me he doesn't need it, he got violent once (mixing with alcohol) he didn't hurt me but was showing alot of aggression it was at my cousins birthday party and MIL tryed to say someone in my family had spiked his drink (i don't get on with some ppl in the family) she can think twice if im leaving my baby with her to go work
bunni84
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but your baby is fine he should concentrate on that...hes not sorry if hes doing it again. he needs to grow up, you have a child on the way, and you dont need stress now that you're expecting (sorry to hear about the miscarriage)
its good your mum knows now, perhaps something can be done now.
agression in front of family, and MIL still defending him - he needs rehab definately. please think about your baby, you got another chance of being a mum and baby needs you.
its good your mum knows now, perhaps something can be done now.
agression in front of family, and MIL still defending him - he needs rehab definately. please think about your baby, you got another chance of being a mum and baby needs you.
wristwatch24
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Wow, drugs?! That is crazy. I didn't realize it was something that serious. If he has a drug problem then even if you did work that doesn't solve anything. And your MIL should not be interfering at all. Good luck and I hope you are able to work things out. 
Pielette
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Is this now a regular habit for him then, the drugs? What kind of drugs are we talking about and how often?
By the sound of it he has an addiction. Clearing out all those accounts, the aggression, to be honest all of it sounds very worrying. I think he needs some serious help and the only way to do that is if he moves out, goes to rehab and gets some professional therapy and help. If you allow him to continue with the status quo he won't change.
As for his mother, I'd be telling her where to shove it. Most situations with MILs can be handled with a bit of diplomacy and tact but this one takes the biscuit. There's no way in hell I'd be putting up with her telling me to go to work when her son is busy wasting all of our money on drugs.
Do you have a good support system? You've mentioned your mum, would she and family be able to help and support you?
By the sound of it he has an addiction. Clearing out all those accounts, the aggression, to be honest all of it sounds very worrying. I think he needs some serious help and the only way to do that is if he moves out, goes to rehab and gets some professional therapy and help. If you allow him to continue with the status quo he won't change.
As for his mother, I'd be telling her where to shove it. Most situations with MILs can be handled with a bit of diplomacy and tact but this one takes the biscuit. There's no way in hell I'd be putting up with her telling me to go to work when her son is busy wasting all of our money on drugs.
Do you have a good support system? You've mentioned your mum, would she and family be able to help and support you?
littleone2010
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Mil needs to mind her own business, it doesn't have nothing to do with her. I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. I also have a mil from hell. You must stand up for yourself now though otherwise it will continue. I hope you manage to sort it all out Hun xxx
