Sister in law pregnant too! Feel like crying.

[hannah berry]

Ok so here goes, I'm sorry this is a long story so i will try keep it short. I married my husband and the same year I got pregnant which ended in a mc at 12 weeks. When we announced our pregnancy the girl friend of my husbands brother complained how jealous she was. Then the year and a half we tried for a baby again they got married and I got pregnant again. It was hard waiting so long my heart broke every time af showed up and I sank into depression. After we cautiously waited till the 3 month mark to announce my sister in law started up with her jealous spite and told the whole family that she was suffering and everyone had to feel sorry for her. this was 5 months after they got married. So my joyous pregnancy became the taboo of talk and no one cared because of her. Then it continued after baby was born and she kept her jealous spite and everyone had to play her game. It was horrible like my baby didn't exist. Now I'm pregnant for the 3rd time and when we announced it she started up again crying to the family that she wanted a baby and making up stories how she was infertile where as in fact her husband was just deployed the same year my husband was. So they weren't trying at all. She played this game till he came back and she got pregnant right away. After being told three times she is jealous of me and three times dealing with her spite I'm meant to be happy for her and all the family is so happy that she's pregnant. It's not fair that she stole the joy from my pregnancies and now expects me to be happy for her and everyone else is too. All through my pregnancies the whole family talked about poor little her and how I should send her baby wishes. When I was trying after I lost my first baby all they said was it's just not meant to be and I gad no support but she got baby clothes throughout my pregnancy and little baby trinkets I really feel like she stole my pregnancies. And she's still not happy because I had the first granddaughter, and now grandson. I really just want to cut her out of my life. I can't stand her any more. She is 10 weeks pregnant and I can't help but wish the worst for her. I know I sound like a horrible person but knowing her when my sons born she will pull a stunt just to get the attention. Anyone else been in the same situation?

 

[Ceejay123]

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[lauraloo24]

Popping over from first tri, i can relate to some of what you say in that my sister-in-law is a very jealous person too, when she found out we were going to TTC (i never told her when we actually were) she kept telling me i wasnt allowed to get pregnant yet as she would feel left out (!) She does have some mental health issues though and her husband is not wanting children for the foreseeable future because he doesnt think she will be able to cope. Now she knows i'm pregnant i think she's slowly getting used to the idea although has admitted she is still jealous. I have had to ignore plenty of remarks she's made such as how big i'm gonna get (i've always been chunky whereas she is stick thin) and no doubt there will be many more to come. But if she did get pregnant, i would be happy for her. i try and put myself in her shoes and know if the roles were reversed i would be bitterly jealous too as i have wanted to be pregnant for years. All i would say is that perhaps you need to address not her, but the family members who are making you feel like your pregnancy isnt important. Be honest with them and tell them how it makes you feel. Hope you start feeling better about things soon.

 

[leahtaba]

I'm sorry but wishing her the worst is awful, I hope you have just said that as a knee jerk reaction and don't honestly feel that way because that baby she is carrying is your niece or nephew..

you can't control the way others act in life but you can control the way you react. If she's being awful about your pregnancies then that's her bad karma... just focus on your little family no one else should matter.

 

[CastawayBride]

I have to say you come off very immature. Wishing the worst is a very awful thing. With that being said it sounds like you need to take some time to reflect on your own feelings and process this all.

That doesn't mean you have to go out and buy her items and fawn all over her. You have the right to say Congratulations, and walk away and not engage.

 

[hannah berry]

Thanks for your support and words. I know I deserve hash words to wake me up as I'm not a mean person she just gets to me. In fact I was hoping she would get pregnant because that would be awesome to have cousins for our daughter to play with. It just seems ever since we met the family at the same time and I got married first she has held a grudge against me about everything. I tried to talk to the family but they just pushed me aside. I don't have any family here so they take me for granted where as she has her family and they know if she's not happy she can walk out when ever she wants. I don't really wish her ill I just said that because I have no one to talk too and all the pain comes out at once sorry. She has said really harsh things to me and all I have been is nice to her. My wedding I made her the maid of honer and gave her my bouquet at the end. I really wanted her to feel part of the family and not left out. I made all the effort I could have. Even re covered her husbands old bassinet and sewed up nice things when she announced her pregnancy because at the time I was thinking positive like things were going to change but it seems not. She is just really competitive. I guess the family show her a lot more attention because she tells them how much she thinks they hate her and like me better. I'm naturally gifted in crafts and apparently everything I touch turns to gold she hates me for being so called perfect. She has been horrible to my daughter during Christmas and summer holidays saying nasty things about how slow she is and that people only think she's pretty because she's the only granddaughter for now. It's not just that! she's jealous because her husbands a privet and mines an officer just like his dad and she can't stand the fact that some how that makes me on better terms with the mother in law. As for the infertile thing she thought she was infertile because she didn't get pregnant the first time without contraception she thought it just happened like that. I shouldn't be this nasty and I hate what 4 years has done to me but there's no way out.

Oh and I said congrats to her but she didn't even care. She told my mil I just snob her. So I got yelled at on the phone by my mother in law for not caring.

 

[sandilion]

It sounds like your inlaws an SIL really make you feel stressed. I honestly feel you might be better off having a lot less to do with them...especially if your MIL is calling you and yelling at you.. wtf is with that!

Distance yourself and just focus on your own family. They are just extended family... your true family is your husband and children. Don't let yourself get consumed in their pettiness.... don't stoop to their level. Leave them to it and rise above it. Life is far too valuable to waste any time worrying and letting people like that effect you.

 

[hannah berry]

Thanks but if you know what French family's are like they are very close knit. I tried to focus on my baby but my mother in law and her mother call me up to tell me I'm pushing them away and that's not allowed. I really wish we were on close terms my SIL but she pretends to be interested around the family and as soon as they move away she just becomes nasty. One example was when I was playing with my daughter at MILS house and no one was around she came up to me and said " you may have the first grandchild but I'm gonna have the first grandson and he will be really family since boys carry the family name." I don't normally get mad I get sad and I felt like she just punched my daughter in the face. In this family the mother in law and her mother control the rotation of everyone's lives. We are not allowed to move away to far from each other. We have to call and know what's going on in everyone's lives all the time. If not MIL sulks and the family smite you. Even mother in law told me she that me being at my sister in laws wedding was upsetting her because she thinks I'm pretty because I'm smaller than her but older by 5 years. I don't know I want to work at the relation ship but staying away shows I'm not caring and being to close shows I'm rubbing my luck in her face.

 

[Gnomer]

Maybe it's pregnancy hormones making you a little sensitive?
Whether she was fibbing about infertility or not, it must be horrible to want a baby and not be able to have one. No matter the reason why, be it infertility, inability to carry, or because you're single/your partner is deployed/money issues. I'm not condoning fibbing about infertility, but I can understand and sympathise with wanting a child and being unable to have one.

As for the family, I can see why they'd rather risk upsetting you than her. My auntie in law (who is more like a sister in law, her partner is my OH's uncle, and there's only a couple of years between them), had been trying for years, and was unable to conceive it sustain a pregnancy due to pcos. She made no attempt to hide her jealousy, but she wanted to be a part of the pregnancy. It did mean we toned babyness in front of her, but I wasn't fussed. I was going to be a mummy.

She now has a 2 month old, and boy did she get a lot of attention during her pregnancy! But she deserved it. She'd waited so long. I found out I was pregnant half way through their pregnancy, I felt guilty for 'stealing her thunder', but again I just toned my baby excitement down and let her have her moment. Just the fact I'll be having another gorgeous baby is enough for me. I don't need the attention.

I'd say, as long as the family don't treat your children any different from theirs, then I don't see a problem. If my child was made to feel like the family didn't care for them as much as they do his cousin, I'd have to step in.

Some people just naturally need more attention than others. I suppose if you both require attention it's going to be tricky, and each are going to be jealous of the other person (wether that be because of a pregnancy or because of the attention). If you aren't the kind of person that needs attention, then I'd just let her carry on. She's not harming you, it can just be annoying.

 

[hannah berry]

Your right maybe she needs the attention I just worry about my kids what if she pulls the same thing that the family doesn't care about her Kids enough. I remember sitting in the living room with my MIL and her mother and when they found out my SIL was coming they started panicking almost saying she's coming everyone act nice and caring I couldn't believe it. I was being told to grovel at her feet before she came. I was also told don't let her touch the dishes they were telling me to get up and do the dishes after meals to make sure she didn't do them because she was a guest. I had driven 7 hours with a 3 month old after a c section while husband was deployed after her birth and I was there for them so they could see their granddaughter. It really hurt my feelings. I don't want attention but as soon as I sink away I get told that I'm not emotionally connecting and that it's not a good idea to push family aside. I'm even worried about the sex if their baby if it's not what she wants she's gonna take it out on me and my son.

And I don't think I'm immature in fact I haven't said a nasty word to her or done anything. I don't retaliate because that would be very immature. I didn't stomp on her or smite her with jealous SMS or calls. I have done nothing I came here to get all my feelings out because I have no one to talk to I have no sisters or mother I am a foster child who moved half way around the world to marry the man of my dreams. She told my mil that she wishes she had my life that her mother wasn't on her back like I'm non existent one. And sure I will love her baby because it's gonna be family too.

 

[misspriss]

Maybe it's a French family thing. I think your SIL is a bit over the line to tell all the family how jealous she is and manipulate everyone into avoiding your pregnancy.

I got pregnant my first month of trying. My older sister had been TTC for 5 years with unexplained infertility. You can bet she was jealous and upset. But was she like this? Did she tell the family how horrible it was for her and make them feel awkward about celebrating my pregnancy? Not in the slightest. I personally tried not to talk baby to her so much, but she was extremely graceful about the entire situation.

I'm currently TTC my second, and she still has not been able to conceive (it's around 7 years of TTC or NTNP). I would expect her to be a bit distant when we get pregnant again, by my family would NEVER expect me to defer to her feelings like that.

That is why I simply cannot understand your SILs (and your other in laws!) actions, they seem very self centered and manipulative. But I'm American, not French, and she's my sister by birth and not by law...

 

[hannah berry]

I'm sorry about your sister, it's hard trying for a baby so long. My neighbor had a baby girl on my EDD with my first mc. And named her the same name I was going to use. I wasn't mean or spiteful to her In fact we had just moved there and the baby was a few months old. I felt hurt and I told her my story but I never took out my pain on her or the baby in fact I lived under her and I baby sat for her when she needed she was great full. I don't understand my sister in law at all. I never showed off during my pregnancy or anything and even after the birth I sent her a few photos that was it with a little note to aunty from Emily. She didn't reply once so I stopped then her husband came back few months before mine and she told him and the family I sent no photos or news. I just got the message that she didn't want any and I did send photos via phone and post. My brother in law told his mum he never even saw a photo of her. I just hope she didn't burn them I have a think about people burning photos.

 

[newlywedtzh]

Hmm.. I have the opposite opinion of most posters ! Maybe because I was in this position slightly.

First of all your SIL sounds like the immature and VERY jealous one.

I'm older than my SIL by 2 years, she is married to my DH's younger brother.. we got married the same year which there was some competition about that... I had had my first MC at aroudn teh same time she got pregnant on her honeymoon... I was gutted... jealousy is a normal emotion... I then went on to have two more during her pregnancy. It was VERY hard for me, it was hard to be around her and see the attention she got from the family bc it was the first grandchild. I felt entitled bc I was older, more financially stable, and married longer. BUT I tried as hard as I might to not let her see that and take away from her pregnancy. I got pregnant again a couple weeks before my niece was born and she has been nothing but the best SIL to me I could ask for during my pregnancy. I feel so guilty for not being able to be as happy for her as she was/is for me. I have apologized so many times to her for not being as supportive. (Also I think bc I didn't really know how much support a pregnant woman needs never being pregnant before)

I think that you have a right to be upset... sure she is allowed to be jealous, it is natural.. but she should be dealing with it internally and not projecting it onto you and stealing your joy. As hard as it was for me, I would have never brought the family into it... I handled it with my husband and family.

 

[hannah berry]

Im happy to see it worked out for you. I guess she also is the first born and has a slight first born complex. its sad sometimes how she treats her sister but her sister is far mature then her. I guess she needs to be first she needs to have attention. That's ok but could she maybe tone it down. I Want to be those sister in laws that get on well. Share our pregnancy and help each other but i guess that will never work. She takes it like im showing off and i just back off. Hope in a few years she will grow up. Oh im sorry she is not 5 years but 2 and half younger. Her sister is 5 years younger than me.

 

[Rickles]

Maybe it makes a difference if you grow up in a big family like I did... But there's never ending dramas in ours!

To be honest - all 4 of my brothers (2 younger than me) got married before me - I was single at the time my youngest brother got married... They all had the same photographer and on the 4th wedding (in 4 years) he hugged me and told me it would happen!! I admit after that one I was a little sensitive... sigh.

But when it came to kids I've been in both positions, desperate for a baby - when my brother already had 3. But lucky enough to be pregnant when my SIL was trying. I think these situations call for sensitivity all round. When my SIL got pregnant with her second (3 months after having the first) she was really worried I'd be mad as I'd just announced I was pregnant with my first and would think she was stealing my thunder... I didn't mind in the slightest.

Now my other (stick with me!) SIL is pregnant and it's her first, she is due just 2 weeks before me! Now I could understand if she wanted all the attention, instead she's just happy to know someone else to hang out with on mat leave...

I've honestly been there with one of my SIL - we're very different people, from very different backgrounds. Initially she slated my family to a mutual friend (she didn't realise they knew our family too). She was "outed" by my parents who said they didn't think much of her slagging us all off especially after we'd all made a huge effort to make her feel welcome. She apologised, admitted she felt out of her depth and scared of us. Now we're not best mates but she is coming over with her kids to mine tomorrow for a playdate - she just needed to realise we were definitely not all perfect and nor did we think so!!!

I guess, family is family. Yes your sister in law sounds a bit immature and actually just very insecure.

You don't have to, but if it was me I'd try and be as generous and kind as possible - of course she is jealous of you, which means she admires you and probably finds you with all your talents and confidence and apparently "perfect life" intimidating. Sometimes when we feel most vulnerable we behave at our worst. Try and find some common ground, boost her ego and in turn feel good about being the bigger person.

 

[Pixie19]

Wow, as someone who has suffered a loss i cant fathom how you could wish that on another woman, especially someone who has wanted a baby for so long

Having said that though - i can understand your frustration, my sister started TTC when i announced my pregnancy with my first and luckily fell pregnant after the first cycle so we were pregnant at the same time.
She started TTC when i announced my pregnancy again this time but has been unable to get pregnant so far. Coincidentally just as i hit my due date, she's set a date for her wedding...i know she is jelous, she doesn't acknowledge my pregnancy as something that's important, she always talks about herself etc etc. But i totally understand, i don't hate her or hope her wedding plans fall through, and i certainly wouldn't wish anything bad to happen to her...

Maybe you should sympathize a bit more with your SIL instead of despising her so much.
Our pregnancies are never going to be as important to other people as they are to us and i don't think we should expect them to be

 

[Spiffynoodles]

I understand where you're coming from in that I have no sisters and my mom passed away when I was a child, so I only have my MIL and SILs. If they treated me that way, I would feel exactly like you. Thankfully my SILs are great, and my MIL has her moments, but not the way yours does.

I also completely think that your comment about wishing the worst came from momentary anger and frustration, and is not what you really wish on her or the baby. I think the women who are condemning you for saying that don't understand that sometimes we say things that are extreme because it feels good to get the emotion out, and not because we really mean it.

I really hope that your SIL grows up once she has a child and that your in-laws stop pandering to her selfishness, because I'm sure it's only making it worse. It's hard to be the one on the outside, especially when you don't have the same kind of support from your own family to help balance it out.

 

[hannah berry]

Thank you my mil is coming this weekend and I know it's going to be hard last time I went she just went on about my SIL. She said I should offer more support to her and I did I told Henri was here if she needed me and offered to lend her baby clothes and stuff but she turned me down. I wish my mil would stop with all this even my husband is getting sick of it. We traveled to see her for a week and all she did was ignore our daughter and continue to txt message my SIL and show us pictures of what they were doing and what she had done. I even framed a 3d hand and foot print of our daughters at 4 months did a water color peter rabbit theme edge and boxed framed it. She just shoved it aside and showed me a photo of what my SIL had made for her mother this Christmas. Let's just say I had a cry that night cause I wished I had my own mother to give that too. I didn't mean to say nasty things but at lest I didn't say it to her face or anything.

 

[KayleeR]

Hi

This sounds like one of those shitty situations in life with no winners. :/
I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. These super important events in your life have / happening and nobody is really there to acknowledge with you that they are important, if to no one else but you. While simultaneously having to watch someone else get attention lavished on them for the same thing. Sometimes people are shitty people! It sounds like people in this situation are being unfair to everyone involved, not acknowledging important events in your life, dictating to you how you should respond to a difficult situation and in the case of your SIL letting her abuse a situation because she is jealous etc. I am not saying she hasn't struggled with ttc or anything like that, but she is manipulating a situation to her advantage which over a long period of time can be abusive. Being needy is certainly difficult and perhaps she needs to talk to someone about that, but as an adult it is no longer an excuse to manipulate and lie. I fully acknowledge here that I only know one side the story here but I am only addressing the information I have access to here.

As for you wishing ill on her SIL, I get it we have all, be it said in our heads or out loud said something like that about someone else. And honestly if it needed to be said then I am glad you found this forum to be a safe space to say it. As a therapist I am all for people getting out there frustrations in a safe space. There is a difference between expressing a thought in a safe space and saying it to the person and / or meaning it. I had difficulties ttc, and I would be lying if i said I didn't think and say some awful things in private while upset. Its important to look at the entirety of what the person says and not just one throwaway comment said in a moment of frustration, especially since this has clearly been mounting up for you over a long period of time. If people aren't afforded the ability to vent regularly one day they will explode. Again just make sure its in a safe place, and I hope Hannah you still feel this is a safe space for you.

 

[sprite30]

I've had some situations of jealousy with my In laws as well but I could care less what they say or think. I was super super jealous of my sil when she got married in May and was pregnant by August 2013 and I totally treated my dh like shit that we had been together for so long and that he made me wait to even ttc and now his sister just meets some guys marries him and gets pregnant in a blink. I would never say or do anything to my sils to show my emotions to them I learned long ago that they were not nice and very spiteful people but boy did I feel like an a** when she miscarried and I realized that I was so mad over something that was actually a miracle and I myself should have realized much sooner how much of a miracle it really was given our own fertility issues. I was actually very surprised that both my sils even came to my baby shower bc i can't say I could have been as strong as she was to even show face. They didn't even come to our wedding so really why would they come to my baby shower.

I just kill them with kindness now and I never go out of my way to make myself look better then them. And it doesn't hurt that my bil knocked up his gf while he's still married to his ex so I'm not the most hated anymore and they have someone else to focus their hatred on lol.

They lost their mother in January (my mil) and I know that that was not easy for them so I just try my best to show up when invited and to butt out when no one is asking my opinion and so far so good. I agree with who ever made the comment about you, your dh and your children are your family now and you should take everything yur mil and sil say with a grain of salt. I've learned real quick that only you can let them bother you....if you don't give them that control they can use it against you.

I wish you the best of luck with everything and as long as your excited about your baby and your pregnancy who really cares about everyone else.