Sister in law pregnant too! Feel like crying.

[kirstybumx3]

We had been ttc for 3 years, I have pcos and was told it would be very difficult. So when we finally got pregnant I was so excited and we were having the first grandchild on both sides of the family!
The week before my 12 week scan when we were going to tell everyone, my SIL announced she was pregnant. There was 12 days between us. I was devastated. It was difficult at first and I could help but feel she took the limelight away from me and I'm sure she felt the same too.
They came off the pill for one month and got pregnant! But I would never ever wish the worst for her. How horrible. I understand what it's like to be told you may not have children naturally.
In the end Rio was born 8 weeks premature so there is a month and a half between their actual ages now. Rio was still the first grandchild, for a few weeks anyway. But I've found that doesn't really matter to me.
The children are 14 months and almost 13 months now and they get along lovely together. One boy and one girl too, so completely different. It's actually quite nice.

 

[Mushymilkfor2]

I know how you feel, I have a SIL I can't stand either. She's kind of awful, she is one of those people that looks and sounds nice but isn't. And no one notices! I pointed it out to my husband and it still took him a while to get it. And she treats her husband (my husband's brother) terribly and only started coming around after she had her baby. It's where she got the most attention, he was the first baby on that side after 19 years. While her side had at least 8 babies already.

I understand wishing badly on something and not truly meaning it. I found out my SIL was pregnant right after my husband and I announced we were engaged. I knew our wedding and marriage would end up being nothing and I said some nasty things about her and her pregnancy. Things I truly didn't mean, but it felt good to say it in that moment.

In the end I hope you don't really wish badly on her baby, even if it is something that I feel would naturally go through someone's mind. And in my situation I just stopped letting it all get to me so much and I've been so much better off and happier for it.

 

[hannah berry]

Thank you all so much, yes I feel awful for saying that I don't really mean it, I guess since I'm not a violent person and quiet timid I tend to use words as a way of expressing emotion. Due to my up bringing which wasn't a nice one I never learnt to deal with emotional stress. I grew up in a violent abusive house so it's very strange that I never learnt anger being around it a lot. I just feel a sense of sadness, retreat into my shell and let people walk all over me. Of course my mil knows about my past and so does my SIL. It just seems every time something happens to me she has to out do it. Take for example when I was pregnant the 2nd time my mil was talking to me about how I deal with my past. I told her I go to a therapist and she asked me to tell her a few stories because she didn't understand why I needed one so I did. Then a week later she must have said something to my SIL and after that my SIL told my mil stories about her mother hating her and treating her like trash. If you had gone to her wedding and house you would not think that at all. I had to listen to that all throughout my pregnancy. Or the time my husband got sent to Africa for 4 months and her husband had to go work in Paris for a week. I called up my mil because I wasn't coping and I needed to go stay with her. When I got there my SIL showed up and had a huge cry about her husband being away for a week in Paris. I felt so stupid because I'm so weak. I try to brush it off but it's not easy when I have been dished this my whole life I kinda expected different when I got older and in away I feel like my dreams were crushed. I even built up the guts which is really hard for me and tell them how I feel or what is going on. They listen and pretend to care at the time but fall back into place shortly after. I would like to be able to cut them off but I can't it's family I guess and the only ones I have here. For my daughters and husbands sake I stay around. He needs his mother and brother and I don't want to take that away from him because of spiteful feelings. I am really terrified that she doesn't get the
Boy she wants. She needs a boy that's what she said because she's not into girls and if she doesn't get that she's gonna take it out on me and my son. Even my husband is scared and hopes she gets her boy. Maybe she will settle down after her baby arrives.

 

[lillylollypop]

When I was around 20 weeks, my husband and I went back home for a family event. His brother had a new girlfriend and they'd gotten together a few weeks prior. She announced she was pregnant a few days before the family event and would be coming to the event. The brother told everyone she was very shy, don't ask questions and DO NOT TOUCH her belly. I was relieved she was there. I had so much attention taken off me, I was actually able to enjoy my weekend.

The only annoying part of this is that she faked the entire pregnancy. Girl was neither shy nor pregnant. She spent the entire weekend drinking and smoking saying " it was ok". She grilled me on what it was like being pregnant and why symptoms I had when and how I felt.

During the event, they made the entire day about her, again relived. I hate when people just stare at me.

Not even a few days afterwords she "miscarries". Mmmhm. She didn't know how far along she was, she declined the first scheduled ultrasound.

It was an interesting weekend.

 

[sprite30]

I think it's best that you try not to give them ammunition to play on. By telling them all these personal things about your childhood and how alone you are your allowing them a sense of control.

Honestly it's none of there business how you were raised or that you see a therapist. He'll I don't even tell my own sister or mother half the things that have happened over the last 2 years because I don't want people feeling sorry for me and I don't want them to be able to come back at me in 3 years and say things like oh hey remember that time when such and such happened....that would be the worst. So now I just come on here and talk to strangers because at the end of the day my husbands opinion is all that matters. And he knows what we've been through. I would never ever stand in the way of my husband having a relationship with his sisters but I he himself treats them differently for the way they treated me and they know it yet I show up to every single thing they invite me too and I celebrate all there things and act like I don't care and you know what...it gets better.

 

[cupcaker]

I actually fully sympathise with your entire first post...I dont think it's immature or "negative" for the sake of negative etc. It's darn annoying, but this is just my opinion I must just have a similar thought trail. Your pregnancies should have been really special, and she stole some (a lot) of that thunder, in what I think is a negative way...tit for tat...shes got something I wanted so I will spit my dummy out and everyone feel sorry for me style. I hope things will get easier for you...I dont know what to suggest.

I had the first baby in the family for 20 odd years, and the first grandchild. It was soooo special to everyone.......a really awesome period of time (and still is, my son is still the centre of everyone's universe).

But, literally as my son was born, my SIL found out she was pregnant. She is most certainly the type to have thought.." I fancy a bit of that action" and got herself pregnant asap, because I'm 99% sure a baby would NOT have been on the cards if we hadn't been pregnant. I found out she was pregnant after her 12 week scan, but then I felt really dissapointed and upset that her mum and other family members will have known much sooner than that...actually dating back to when my son was only a couple of weeks old .I felt like he was just born and already "old news" because they knew about SILs pregnancy. Of course it's not the case in reality, but I just wanted my son to have some lime light for a while on his own.... selfish I know. People asked what I thought about the news, (expecting delighted answers and expecting me to be over the moon for my son to have a baby cousin) and all I could say was "I was shocked!!!". I could barely DRAG myself and lie to say I was happy... I just kept referring back to "shocked". Cow bag yes possibly! But it was how I felt. The night I got the news I bawled buckets, and even my OH (her brother) was narked to say the least and understood why I was going so mental.

Things got a little easier by her 20week scan when it was confirmed as a girl. I felt this would be nice...my son still kept a bit of status as the only boy grandchild and her child would be "the girl", having her own status too. Plus, as horrid as it sounds, SIL had "wanted" a boy.....and she had simply assumed from day 1 that it was a boy because that's what she wanted it to be. Of course she came round to it fine, but stupidly, I felt "one up"!! (awful i know! I dont need telling!)

However, in spite of all my annoyance at the time, unintentionally, I have just about done the same back to her. Me and OH decided to try for another baby and fell pregnant MUCH quicker than expected. And it's a girl. So, a week before her baby was born, we found out number 2 was on the way. So the same as me, her baby got to about 3 months old and news of "another" baby was already out.

 

[hannah berry]

Thank you cupcaker, happy to see there is someone who feels the same way. I will always remember breaking the news about our second baby and SIL calls everyone up to cry because it's not fair. I got a call after from everyone in the family saying how hurt she was and it really upset me that our good news was turned into something dreadful.. I cried that night thinking no one cared about my baby and that he was just a burden. I cried because he deserved more than that and I felt like they were blaming him as if he didn't deserve the right to be thought of or loved. To be honest I really could have just let the world eat me whole. My husband invited the parents out to eat to celebrate and all they did was talk about how our news upset everyone. Worst night ever! Being told non stop to think about her and pray for her. So I can understand when you say you feel like she stole something from you. And your not shellfish I think it's only human to think like that. If We could choose not to be negative or feel horrible things for others then I would and I think the world would be a better place but we can't and we just have to deal with it. Oh and about the one up thing I know how you feel in a way I feel it too.

it's been a long road for me which I hope there will be an end too but I know my SIL is very competitive. My mother in law told me today that my SIL is acting like that because she told her she was going to be the better daughter in law. I just told my mil to tell her she's won and I don't care. She told me my SIL is jealous because everything I do is better then her. Like I cross stitch and she had to give it a go too and everything else but she's not that great at it. I also crochet, sew and bake really well. Apparently SIL has been trying to out do me and mil and her mother have been fuelling the fire to keep her begging for acceptance. I do crafts for them and they show my SIL who feels out done. It's really getting ridiculous. I brought my father in law a bag of his fav sweets when we visited once and SIL saw and the next time she showed up with a 5kg bag! I have stopped doing crafts and stuff for them, limiting down anything I do. I think slowly walking away is better than running because hopefully they won't know I'm even gone.

 

[NotNic]

I think its very hard to marry into a family where there is favouritism. My husband is the least favourite and I find it very difficult to stand by and watch them be negative about his achievements. While not the same situation, all our happy announcements have been watered down or criticised, as we are compared or forgotten and we are overshadowed by his siblings. This has lead to me feeling irrationally, so I don't judge you in the slightest for wishing less than the best. About two weeks after we announced we were pg, my SIL (the favourite) also announced she was expecting. When they went to make the announcement, there was a split second before the words came out when I guessed and I had to take a second to compose myself and ask myself what I felt about this. I knew I was supposed to be gushing and OTT but when the words came out of her mouth I realised I wasn't overjoyed, but equally I actually wasn't bothered. It was a relief because I realised I would be left alone. My MILs focus would not be on me and my children, so newborn days 2nd time around was going to be much easier. Yes our child will always be compared with theirs but it was always going to happen. Equally I know that the way she announced (at a family event stealing the thunder from another sibling who was celebrating an achievement) was not a spiteful act, but the way she had been encouraged to behave her whole life. It was not malicious. She is always been allowed to be self-centred and there is always been an expectation that we should be excited for her. Try not to feel like your SIL is deliberately acting in a way that is to hurt you. She probably isn't capable of considering your feelings in her actions and the less you allow it to feel personal the more tolerant and not bothered you'll become.

 

[friskyfish]

Urrghh, what an awkward situation for you!!

My sister has been TTC for about 3 years now, my husband & I had been trying for 2. I've had to change my lifestyle dramatically in order to get my health on track...anyway, it paid off as I'm now 35 week's pregnant.
Telling my sister was awful as I know how hard it is when your TTC & everyone's getting pregnant.
What annoys me about this though, is she hasn't changed her lifestyle. She lives to party....she's finally had the go ahead for ivf, but is waiting till after her holiday in Ibiza!
She was horrible to me when I told her I was pregnant, didn't speak to me. I've had to make sure I don't put stuff on facebook in case I upset her & if my pregnancy does get mentioned, she rings my mum going mad. But I know, when she gets pregnant, which hopefully she will.......It will be All over Facebook! Everyone will be gushing over her!

It's sad, as I feel like I can't share my excitement for my baby.
It's even sadder, as my first baby was stillborn......which was hard for me & my family. I've had my fair share of heartache.

My advise would be just to get on with it.....there's no changing some people.
It will be there loss at the end of the day.

All we can do is be strong & be there for our kids.
When they have their own, they will realise xxx

 

[bumpbear]

I say this in the nicest way possible, but share the thunder instead of considering it stolen? Life will feel a lot happier that way. Why waste your time and energy on petty things? Thats the main thing thats stuck out in my head after reading most of this thread.