So-called "Friends"-- I can't believe this email! How 2 respond?

[Maybe1stBaby]

Okay, sorry all, but this is going to be long...I told my girlfriend the situation with FOB. First of all, she is really pushing A, which I'm totally not cool with, so I had to tell her to stop it. She told me she had "2, wait make that 3 As" in her own words. What kind of person can't even remember how many As she had?!

Her whole personality comes off as abrasive and when we were first getting friendly, I almost had to break it off because she comes off over the top and pushy. I know part of this is cultural (she's Russian), but I'm actually really upset over the following. I've highlighted the parts that really tick me off in red. How should I respond to her?

Her:
so what;s the news? did you talk to him? where things stand? did you support him through the funeral? (FOB's daughter's funeral) i know its bloody hard the whole scenario ... oh gosh.... tell me....

Me:
Friday we talked in person, but not really. More of him being silent, like he's overwhelmed and shocked. Then Friday night we had a screaming match on the phone because I found out he had been talking to my girlfriend that because I had a vaginal infection twice, I must have been cheating, and therefore it wasn't his. It wasn't even a sexually transmitted infection, and I was very pissed and embarrassed he was talking about my private parts with my friends. So that ended badly...

Saturday was supposedly the funeral, but again, I've never met his daughter or anyone in his family, So of course, I wasn't invited to the funeral. I had even asked to go to support him, but he acted like he didn't hear me...he's good at ignoring me like that. At this point, I haven't heard from him since Friday night. I've been crying nonstop, I feel really alone and isolated. I'm broke, and I may have to move back to Chicago. Luckily my family has been really supportive, I call them crying every single day.

Her:
its not very smart to let your emotions out of control like that. I am seriously doubting your ability to be a mother if you can't handle such trivialities.. Please think about it. I know its very hard, but trust me, if you just don't follow your first impulse and just not say anything until much later - things would be very different. Humans are designed to have the emotional reaction first, its evolution, based first on protection and survival. Its primitive. The rational brain developed a lot later and you have to understand that you must control that first instinct so as to let your rational brain process the situation and not your emotional one.

First you should've informed the man of your pregnancy and let him bury his child. You were all over him all week. I told you not to contact him and chill out. Now he needs to grief and process what had happened and if you keep pushing it with your emotions - he will keep pushing back out of fear that you can't handle it. What man wants to be with a woman who can't handle herself? No man wants that! I am not even going to go into the child thing.

So now you are going back to Chicago to stay with your parents and have them help you because you are broke? Do they know you are pregnant? Are they ok with that?

p.s. even before you respond to this letter - don't respond right away. go for a walk, relax and enjoy the day. then come back and write..

How should i respond tactfully? To me, this is not being supportive at all, and i didn't appreciate the comments she said about my ability to parent a child. What she wrote was very hurtful, and I want her to be aware of it without me coming off as overly emotional.

Sorry for the novel. Help please?

 

[lou_w34]

I wouldnt even waste my energy with replying.
Who needs friends like that!

If you really want to reply, i would say something really short and casual, like 'ok, if thats how you feel about it'

It sounds like she actually wants you to be upset and argue with her!

xx

 

[tanzarini]

True friends are the ones who stick by you when things get tough, and will empathise and help you through things. She has no right to judge you like that, people can be emotional and still be good parents!! I would either just ignore her completely, or as lou said, put something short and calm as a reply. I wouldnt rise to it or let it get to you, there is only one person that is going to regret their actions and that is her. If she wants to give you advice then fine, but saying things in the way she did is not, in my opinion, what a good friend would do. She may not agree with what you are doing, but there are better ways of expressing it than that. Hope you are ok x

 

[surprisebaby]

Omg that email is awful. If it was me I just wouldn't reply. I wouldn't want to be her friend at all. I would rather have no friends than have an enemy disguised as a friend. She isn't supportive. She is very critical of u. She has no right encouraging you to get an A- shocking. There is nothing wrong with being emotional. Its normal! Its better than suppressin your emotions. She is not a friend. Friends don't put you down and make you feel bad. Its understandable you are emotional at this time. You are pregnant, you're not being treated nicely by fob and your instincts are telling you (very loudly) that things are not right with fob... I get the impression he lies about things...why would you feel this way without reason? Do not listen to this friend. She doesn'( know what she is talking about. Her email was just so patronising, and had insults disguised as helpful advice. If you can maybe try and go away on your own for a weekend and get some perspective. I think you're doing amazing! Its not easy going through these kinds of situations and you don't
Need criticism from people right now. Don't feel you need to give a tactful reply! Its better you're more direct and say what you really think afterall she hardly holds back herself! Good luck xx

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

Thank you so much you guys, I seriously do feel fragile and while I'm thrilled this forum is so supportive and accepting of me and my situation, it makes me super sad inside that the people in my life aren't there for me, the people I thought I could count on. You have no idea how much just being here, reading other people's stories, and getting feedback on my situation--it means a lot to me.

It's sad that I'm starting to become less trusting (I'm an emotionally sensitive person by nature, and this pregnancy has kicked these feelings into overdrive), but I think the good thing is that I'm starting to discern who my real friends are the more I tell people what's going on, and reach out for support.

I think for now I'm just going to ignore her because I don't need any more negativity during my pregnancy.

 

[lal]

Oh my gosh I'd block her email address. What a judgemental, condescending wench. Abortion is not birth control, ugh. Not to tell you what to do like she tried to but if that's what your friends are like in Cali, I'd be on the next flight home! As for FOB, she doesn't know him like you do, don't let her make you double-guess yourself. And dear lord do I understand you on the ignoring...mine does that, very conveniently he does not hear when I ask a question he doesn't want to answer. Someday we'll all look back at these posts and laugh though...I am sure of it.

 

[billy2mm]

i would tell her to do one and delete the email and send all future emails from her to the junk folder!

 

[BeautifulD]

Ugh what a bitch!! Sorry..... If that was me she would be dropped out of my life quicker than hot coals I wouldn't even risk chipping my nail varnish replying back to that hun... you don't need someone like that it your life!