so confused now

[frenchy]

Hello to you all

This is the 1st time I've posted on the site as I only found out I was pregnant last Thursday. Apologies if the post is a bit long winded but I don't know where to turn.

To be brief, I'm 34, married for 3 years (together for 6) to a wonderful man. We have a comfortable life, good jobs, friends and families and a nice home. You may be by now asking "so what is her problem?" well, its this. After much deliberating on whether to have children or not, we finally made a rather wooly desicion to 'try and see what happens', in January of this year. Anyway to cut a long story short, we 'tried' once and it worked!!

I am fully aware that it only takes one time for it to happen however, I really didn't think that it would happen first time (especially given my age). My initial thoughts were ones of surprise with excitement however over the last couple of days, I seem to have been plunged into some form of depression and I am considering termination. I am currently only 4 weeks gone and feel so down and alone. I have suffered for many years with anxiety and depression and feel that this has all come over me like a wave. I would love to be a good Mum and my husband would be a fantastic father but I am so scared that I won't be able to cope with it all and may not 'feel' for a baby the way I would want to.

I have cried for the past 3 days and just want to curl up in a dark corner. To add to this, I now feel extremely guilty for even having such thoughts and am panicking in case the baby can sense what I'm thinking. I'm just so scared that the changes a baby would bring may take my life on a course that I couldn't cope with and my concern is that I would pass on my anxiety to my child. My husband is very supportive of whatever descision we take but I am scared that he may build resentment if we terminate (he has assured me otherwise but still...).

I just don't know what to do and need help to talk this through. I just want to make the right choice for all concerned and don't want to make a descision I will live to regret.

Please help xx

 

[Jules]

Maybe because its happened so quick is the reason you are feeling like this, its a shock that everything is happening and changing so fast. I know how you feel, me and my OH decided we would like a baby and the same thing happened as you, within the 1st month i was pregnant, we were both shocked that it happened so quick but we are both over the moon.

Speak to your Husband about the way you feel and maybe your doctor, don't make any rash decisions. Having a baby is a scary thing, its a life times responsibility but think of all the joys it brings also. You say in your post you would love to be mum, give your time adjust to being pregnant.

Good Luck x

 

[Serene123]

The only advice I can give anyone considering a termination is, do what's best for you. Don't think about money, family, anything, just whether you're ready for a baby, and want your baby. If you're not ready and you don't want it then your decisions made. If you're worried about silly things and not concentrating on whether you want to be a mum, want to have your baby, you may regret it.. The decision is yours and you'll know what's best for you

 

[Ann-Marie]

Firstly congrats on your pregnancy

Even people who have tried for months, even years, feel worried when they finally get that positive test. It's perfectly normal, especially due to your hormones. Motherhood can seem daunting ( even 3rd time round ). 'How will we afford it' , 'Will I cope' , 'Will I love my baby' , 'Will my baby love me'. It's natural, and will only make you better at it.

If you are suffering with depression, you should pop in to your docs. Sometimes it helps just talking about it. And sit down and tell your hubby how you're feeling too, you sound like you're in a strong relationship, and you never know, maybe he's feeling just a scared as you.

It is your decision, but please don't think that you'll be a bad Mum. The fact that you've come on here to ask advice, only shows how much you care I think you'd be a fab Mum

 

[frenchy]

Thank you all for your support. It really feels good to know that other women are out there to talk to.

I have no intention of making any descisions in the next week or so. I am hoping that all this is just due to a surge of hormones and that something will just 'click' over the next few days.

I think the fact that it happened so quickly hasn't really given me time to get used to the idea of actually being a mum but I really hope that I am able to go ahead with it.

So many of you have written about the postitive experiences of pregnancy and motherhood and whilst I am under no illusions of the hard work involved, it is good to hear.

Thank you all xxx

 

[Serene123]

For every bad thing during pregnancy/motherhood there's a million good things

 

[anita665]

I was the same when I first got pregnant. I've always wanted kids but when I actually got pregnant & the idea of my life & body changing hit me & suddenly I wasn't so sure.

I got really depressed and like you spent days - maybe even weeks crying. My usual crying place was in the shower in the morning!! I've got a history of depression too so I spoke to a doctor who advised against medication due to the early stage of my pregnancy unless I really felt unable to cope. I'd often think I wanted a termination & it didn't help OH seemed to go through all these feelings too of not wanting our baby and wanting me to get a termination.

In the end we made the doctors appointment to discuss a termination but on the morning of the appointment we said very little to each other and just never went. Now both of us have got our heads around it we can't wait for our baby to be here. It wasn't easy though. I was about 15 weeks when we actually accepted it and we happy with what we were doing.

All I can advise is to hang on in there. Eventually as the idea sinks in I think you'll be very happy!

 

[cupcake]

hun i think that your depression may be affecting your ability to think clearly about this, maybe it would be an idea to get some help with this, talk to a counselor , just bec you suffer from depression it wont make you a bad mother or your child a depressed child you will just need to learn ways of how to deal with it. i am not telling you either way what to do but this is a big decision and thinking about your fears behind having a baby will help you deal with what is reality and what are just your own anxieties you may be able to work through. stay strong..

 

[frenchy]

Hi Anita 665 and everyone else

Thanks for your reply. It really helps to know that others have felt like this. I feel so bad about considering termination (although I am not against it). Maybe this is a sign in itself??

I suppose I am comparing my reaction to that of people who are ecstatic from the moment they find out they're pregnant. Maybe that was what I was hoping for but it just hasn't happened.

I would really like to think that soon, everything will fall into place and I can enjoy the pregnancy. At the moment I just feel so unwell and was taken to A&E yesterday with chest pains. They couldn't find anything except an asthma flare up but the pain is still there and I can't help thinking that it may be related to the anxiety I'm feeling.

Things all seem to be spiralling out of control and I would give anything to feel a sense of calm about the situation.

Thanks for your support xxx

 

[Vickie]

It's always very scary when you first find out that you are pregnant (I am sure most of the girls on here would agree). For myself I went through a whole range of emotions from ecstatic to worried. I agree with what everyone else has said, take your time to make the decision talk to your husband, and your doctor. It could be that your depression is affecting the way you are viewing the pregnancy. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

 

[Wobbles]

Congrats

Having a baby if planned, left to nature or unplanned is a scarey moment but believe me the bonding will be so special as time goes on & when LO is born its not the easiest job in the world but as my LO gets older by the day theres so many benefits and smiles she brings into our lives now that it makes up for all those full on moments.

Perfectly natural to have anxiety if you suffered it before or not so try not to relate the both on yoru decision.

Best of luck

 

[leeanne]

Thank you all for your support. It really feels good to know that other women are out there to talk to.

I have no intention of making any descisions in the next week or so. I am hoping that all this is just due to a surge of hormones and that something will just 'click' over the next few days.

I think the fact that it happened so quickly hasn't really given me time to get used to the idea of actually being a mum but I really hope that I am able to go ahead with it.

So many of you have written about the postitive experiences of pregnancy and motherhood and whilst I am under no illusions of the hard work involved, it is good to hear.

Thank you all xxx

I don't think I can say much as I agree with all the wonderful posters who replied to your thread.

Hope that you make the right decision for you! Yes, children are hard work BUT the rewards of having a child greatly outweigh anything in life

As for being worried if you'll be a good mom, hun, that thought truly never goes away even after your baby is born and they grow. I always wonder if I am a good mom to my children and think about what I can do to improve.

 

[sacha]

I've been going through similar feelings, although mine was unplanned and unexpected. Huge panic initially, and now I am drifting towards keeping 'blob'. I have stopped panicing about do I want a child and instead panic all the time about how the hell am I going to afford this and how can I re organise my home to be child friendly!

 

[Mangomoo]

You poor thing, it can be a shock to find out that you are pregnant. First thing I did when the line appeared was sink to the floor crying my heart out and then rang my partner who was woken up at 4am (he was in America it was 11am here) All I could do was aplogise to him (I had forgotten my pill a couple of days). I was in total shock for a few days but after talking it through with my partner and doing lots of research on the net I realised that the conception was a blessing in desguise we have been together for 4 1/2 years, live together and want to be together, but I doubt that we would have ever decided to have had kids until it may have been to late and more problems can happen.
When things happen to us we tend to be able to cope, don't worry about the financial implications I'm sure that when you have the baby in your arms money won't be number one, yes you have to make sacrifices but I'm sure that you will survive, friends and family will help. Our parents are thrilled and they will help us no end.

Sorry if I have gone off on a tangent, I think what I am trying to say is hang in there, it gets better and you will get used to being pregnant and you won't always feel like this!

xx

 

[The Catster]

As some of the other girls say, your depression is definately obstructing your view....

All I can say is, you planned your bump so its just the reality of it clouding your judgement...

God forbid, but say if you mc your baby? How would you feel? If the thought of mc devestates you, then I don't think termination is the answer!? If the thought relieves you, then you may have to make a diffciult decision!?

Your in one sticky situation that I never could imagine being in....all the best with your decision....