So I guess I'm back here again...

[tinymumma]

This might be a little long, so maybe grab a snack
I don't really know where to start, or if I really belong here yet, so I hope I don't offend anyone We're almost finished cycle #12 and I feel like I need a safe space to work through my problems and not be bombarded with "yay BFP first go" or "BFP finally, 3,4 months that took forever". Do you know what I mean?
Bit of a background, DS was quite the journey (signature will explain), never confirmed why but suspected endometriosis. I took Vitex for 3 months and finally got my sticky BFP, who is currently bfing as I type this. My periods returned two weeks after my PP bleed stopped (much to my dismay as Id been bleeding for around 11 weeks). I came off the mini pill when DS was 9 months old, so my hormones could regulate which happened very quickly. Withdrawal bleed came 3 days later and regular cycles every since.
I didn't start tracking my cycle until cycle #7, when I started BBT and I realised what was going wrong. My LP was only 8 days and very low post O temps. I began Vitex the next cycle and I managed to get my LP back to 10 days in two cycles. I had seen some ladies have greater improvement by stopping Vitex after O, so I tried that last cycle. Unfortunately, LP went back to 9.
Now I've run out and can't seem to find anymore, so expecting LP to either go back to 8 or stay at 9. I haven't been temping this cycle due to some catastrophic happenings regarding TTC for us.
Firstly, I went to the doctor to try and get some blood tests and was quite rudely rejected (most likely because of my age). Only two nights later I broke down to hubby about my fears, that we'll have to see a FS or Obgyn and I'll have to go through scary tests and what if it's not just a progesterone problem, like I'm assuming? I know I would have high prolactin from extended bfing but I don't see how I couldn't find a happy medium between my prog and prolactin as neither DS or I are ready to wean. I'm also thinking that maybe this is because of an underlying issue that was there before DS and doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the fact I'm still bfing.
That went a little astray but while I was having a mini meltdown, hubby told me that he thinks we should wait for another baby until he fixes some personal issues. One, we are currently in the process of but will take around 10 years. The other isn't anything life altering, just something about himself that diminishes his self confidence. Which he has had many opportunities to fix our whole relationship but always puts it off for some unknown reason.
Basically, I'm lost. Defeated. I don't have anyone to turn to. I'm a very introverted person and my only friend is supportive but doesn't really understand as she's not at the baby stage yet.
I know I'm not going to be able to switch off from wanting another baby. The fact that I'll probably need the help of a specialist (investigating natural ways at the moment) to concieve and that hubby wouldn't be on board with that kills me. He let it go on for this long and even pushed me to go and see the doctor to get the tests?!
We had such a concrete life plan. Babies close in age and once they're in school, I start my studies to my dream career. Now that all seems to be disappearing into the void. My heart yearns for another child. I'm so beyond blessed and grateful to have my son but I would be so upset with myself if he didn't have a sibling. Or if he did, that they were so far apart in age that they were basically only children that just lived in the same house, if you know what I mean?
I just don't know what to do and I've been on the verge of tears for days now. I can barely even smile.
If you made it all the way through, thank you for listening to the mess that is my brain xxx
Much love and heart hugs to all ❤️❤️

 

[PhotoPassion]

Sorry to hear you are struggling I'm also starting on cycle 12 after a miscarriage almost a year ago. I already have a son (who I think is the same age as yours). I've been struggling with the whole "life plan" thing as well. My brother and I are 16 years apart so I had always hoped to have my kids close in age. If I could get pregnant now, they would already be close to 3 years apart. Now I'm beginning to fear that I may never have a second child and he will be an only child. I haven't told anyone about our miscarriage or our fertility issues which I think only makes it more difficult in some ways.

Obviously there's no way to know for sure, but I think it's very possible that breastfeeding is what's affecting your LP. I didn't have periods at all while I was breastfeeding and then it took a couple of months for my LP to get back to normal (which is still only 10 or 11 days). I actually read some studies about how breastfeeding affects the LP so I think there's a huge possibility that it could be causing your issues. It definitely wouldn't hurt to speak to a doctor and they could see if anything else is going on. I don't think I would completely panic about your fertility until you are finished with breastfeeding.

Maybe seeing a doctor will help calm some of your fears as well. I know that my mind has been going crazy with worst case scenarios simply because I have no idea what is actually wrong. Going through the tests might help you to get some answers and then you will at least know what you need to do to get your second BFP.

 

[2ducks]

So sorry for your struggles. I don't really have much to say, I just wanted to reach out because you are always so supportive of others. Hang in there and don't lose hope. My best friend is 11 years older than her sister and they are very close. Another friend has a sibling who is 5 years older and they are also very close so try not to get too hung up on the concept that siblings should be close in age to have good relationship! Good luck with everything and hang in there .