So lost

[Juliekatb]

I'm new here, and I know this post is so long so I thank anyone who takes the time to read it.

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend and I broke up today. We have had our issues but it wasn't until I got pregnant that I started wondering if it was right for us to continue being together or break up. First off, I love him so very much. I don't see how I will live without him. Deep down he is a wonderful person and I believe he would make a good dad.

I guess I'll start with last September. We had been together for almost 3 years and lived together. He said he wanted to marry me and would go to the court house (I wanted a wedding though). I saw all my friends get married and started getting upset about us and why he didn't propose. Money was always an issue for us. After talking to him he agreed that I could take a credit card out in my name and we would get an engagement ring with it. We did. I know I pushed for it but he said he wanted it too. Well by December, he still didn't give me the ring. He told everyone it was because he wanted to do something special and didn't even have money to take me out to eat. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated. I always wanted kids, just not yet. I was also embarrassed because here I am pregnant and not married. I told him my feelings. My mom even told him it would make me feel better if he at least gave me the ring so that we could be engaged. He agreed with her... And never gave it to me. Now he blames me. He says I rushed him into it, and told everyone and started planning a wedding before he even gave me the ring. Yes I did all those things. But if he wanted it as much as he said, wouldn't he have given it to me when I got pregnant?

We had other issues as well. He has a temper problem. He's never touched me but has put holes in our Sheetrock and our door. He even broke his hand punching a coffee table. I decided to be like him one day and punch a hole in the window when we fought since he thought it was ok to act like that. I regretted that choice as soon as I made it. That's not who I am. My point is, I've made mistakes in the relationship too.

We are so financially unstable. I have my college degree but not a good paying job. He had a high school education and has gone from one menial job to the next without any goals if doing better for himself. He blows through money on eating out, cigarettes, and 20 oz drinks from a gas station. I actually made it a point to try to raise his credit and pay off his debts. Ultimately we decided we wanted to make it work and he agreed
to couples counseling which he has now backed out of... Well he says "not right now" about it. We ended it after that because we weren't getting anywhere. I love him so so much though and don't know if this was the right decision. And also... How do you get over someone who will always be a part of your life because you are going to have a baby together?!?!

 

[Dezireey]

Hi sweetie,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are having such a hard time. Being pregnant should be a joyous thing, its difficult to be joyous when situations like this occur.

In a nutshell this guy probably loves you but is just not ready at all to make a commitment, how old is he?

He was shy about putting a ring on your finger, now you are pregnant thats the biggest commitment of all and hes run and gone into his cave and is generally acting like a douche. Keep away from him, give him tons of time and space. Try and be amicable and dont force any topics about the future. He will either a) need time to come around to the idea of being a Dad and grow up about it or b) wont be ready for any commitment for a few years.

Either way, you need to get on with your life and prepare for your baby. You are both on different pages right now and want different things, its unlikely to work out hun. Im not saying there is no hope but right now he doesnt want to know and it is best for you both is you stay away from each other for a while.

Hope you feel better soon sweetie xx

 

[Juliekatb]

Thanks for responding. He is 25 and I am 26. I still decided to go to counseling without him. The counselor told me to not give up hope, because he sounds like a good guy, he's just emotionally immature. I'll learn real fast how he is once I have the baby.

Here's the thing about the ring that I'm confused about. He told me 50 million times he would go to the courthouse to get married any time I asked. He told me he would have gone last week if I wanted to. He knew I wanted a wedding though. So I don't know if he is not ready for marriage or is scared of a wedding or what? We ended up talking after I posted this and he agreed to go to counseling. I'm going to stay at my parents until he actually goes. That way I'll know if he is for real or not. I do hope so. I need to worry about myself right now. I'm scared what the stress will do. I had a scan at 7 weeks, 3 days and everything looked good and the heartbeat was strong. My second scan isn't until next Monday so I am worried still about miscarriage.

 

[Dezireey]

Your counsellor is right, emotionally immature is the word I would also use to describe him. 25 is still a very young age these days hun to expect a man to settle down properly. He probably liked the 'idea' of marrying you etc but the reality for him is that is doubts if he is really ready?

Best bit of advice I can give anyone younger than me about men ( I am 40 now) is never, ever, ever get confused about why what he 'says' doesn't match up to what he 'does'. In other words, pay no attention to his words if his actions speak otherwise. He may very well 'say' he wants to buy you a ring, but is he actually 'doing it'?

Same principle applies to simple stuff like when a man says he loves you over and over and yet he thinks nothing of standing you up, cancelling dates, never staying over your place etc ( e.g no commitment whatsoever).

Men just don't communicate like we do. In his best possible way, he is saying with his 'actions' to you that he is not ready. Pay more attention to that rather than convincing yourself that you must be going crazy because he keeps saying how much he loves you, wants to marry you etc, yet does nothing about it.

As you said, pay attention to yourself, take care of yourself, leave him to his own devices and problems. You have to change priorities now as you are going to be a Mum. You need stability in your life and people you can rely on. He is only someone at present that is causing you stress that you don't need.