So scared to try again but we desperately want another baby!

[katy1310]

Hi

I haven't been on here for ages and I don't even know if I will still know anyone who comes into this section....I had my little girl, who's now 4, at 27 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia. She spent 12 weeks in NICU, and miraculously had a relatively "smooth" NICU stay.

We always wanted two children and it's coming to the time when we are really seriously thinking about trying again. We have been talking about it for over two years now, we saw a consultant two years ago but still haven't quite got the courage together to take the plunge.

My mum is influencing my decision too, in fact I think she is the main reason that I am scared to try again! Last month, I was in hospital with swine flu (I have asthma which caused complications) and I almost died....she said to DH while I was in that we are not to have any more children because she couldn't go through this again. I know it must have been terrifying for her, I can't even imagine what she went through. I have to admit, while I was in, the way I was feeling reminded me of how I felt when I had pre-eclampsia and had just had the c-section, and I was wondering myself if I could do it all again but now I'm home and feeling better, I think I could!

So the other things going through my head are:

When to start trying - DD will be starting school in September and I want to make sure she is properly settled.

How to split our time between DD and a baby in NICU if the worst came to the worst - our nearest hospitals are all one hour away.

What if I had to have hospital stays during the pregnancy, how would we work it out for DD - DH works an hour's drive away from home.

Would it be fair on DD if I had to be in and out of hospital then had a baby in NICU?

What if it was even worse than last time, and either I or the baby didn't make it? - although the consultant assured me they wouldn't let it get dangerous for me......

Aaaargh, so much to think about, but I'm starting to think more and more about wanting another child, I don't feel complete with just one, no matter how much I adore DD. She absolutely loves other children and babies, and keeps asking for a baby brother or sister.

And to make matters worse, one of DH's less sensitive relatives recently said to me were we planning any more, and I said I wasn't 100% sure after last time, and she said "Oh you can't let that put you off, you couldn't do that to Sophie, you need to think about what SHE needs" - erm - we ARE thinking of what she needs, and her mummy is one of the things she does need!

I don't even know if I'm expecting any replies, just needed to get my thoughts out and if anyone has experienced similar thoughts, i'd love to hear your advice! xxx

 

[ShakeItBaby1]

When i first got pregnant, i had a million & 1 questions too. My daughter wasn't a preemie, but there were 50 million questions I couldn't answer.

Here's the thing: I knew I wanted her, and I knew Id make it work somehow.

If worse came to worse, there's always a way. Maybe I'm just an optimist, but I truly believe that. If your daughter wants a sibling, and you want another child - I say go for it. If they say they'd never let it get dangerous, then i'd believe it.

Secondly. Screw whoever said that! Its your life, and you'd be caring for a 2nd child - not them!

 

[jandksmommy]

I agree. If you really want a second child, there is always a way. Pre-eclampsia is serious and scary but you have already spoken with a consultant and I'm sure you will be seen by a high risk OBGYN. You and the pregnancy will be well looked after.

If complications do occur (and they may not at all, having pre-eclampsia in your first pregnancy does not mean it will happen again), you will find a way to deal with it. I understand your mother's fear but this is your life and your family so you need to do what feels right for you.

When my daughter was born at 23 weeks gestation, our twins where 9 1/2 months old. My husband needed to work so when I went to the NICU to stay with her (she was 2 hours away), our twins stayed with my parents or sister. I spent 1 to 3 days a week with her and the rest of the week at home with my twins and husband. It was a hard 4 months but we all made it through. It wasn't easy on any of us but it was 4 months out of our entire lives together and our little girl was so worth all of it. Children are resilient, our twins made it through without any lasting negative effects and they LOVE their baby sister.

My advice if you truly want a second child: Do it. Speak with friends and family, get them behind your decision and add them to your support system. Plan for the complications but be positive and have faith it will be a perfect pregnancy. Good luck.

 

[AP]

I can only send massive hugs. You have more to think about than I ever did, but I would still say to do it. When I was in at 27 weeks with Tori, we were told there were no spaces in the royal for us that meant we would have to travel and I thought - how on earth are we going to do this?? Alex was very young back then - the pro to this now is Sophie is much older now and not as dependant on you. At that moment I thought "this is how it has to be and it just has to work out, simple as that. Luckily Tori was on the wind up.

School is actually a positive. You can do appointments and things whilst she is in there. She'll not see much of whats going on really! Sophie will have her own wee life there with her mates and her full focus wont be whats going on at home.

It will all fit into place. If you have to go into hospital for any reason, it is a short blip on the grand scale of things, it's not forever

 

[25weeker]

It is such a hard decision to make but one of the main reasons I eventually plucked up the courage to try again was because I knew I would have big regrets not trying and always wondering. A big part of mine was always influenced by the fact Holly is a twin and I wanted her to experience growing up with a sibling. It will never be the same as growing up with her twin sister but at least now she has someone.

I was worried about what I would do if I ended up in hospital again for a long period or on bedrest how we would cope but I decided we would cross that bridge if it happened. I wouldn't worry on the impact on Sophie because the years of memories she will have the few months of you being pregnant are tiny in comparison.

I had told everyone for years I wasn't having anymore so no one would give me their opinion on doing it again. When I announced my pregnancy our families were shocked and worried but supportive. My inlaws travelled 60 miles every week to come and clean our house so I could rest as much as possible. I so wish they would still do it

Only you and dh can make the decision but I am a big believer that you will never regret having a child but can regret not having one.

Good luck xx

 

[Dinah93]

I had pre-e at 27+1 and delivered at 28+0 last time, I'm now 22+0 with baby 2. I won't lie, I'm so anxious I feel like I'm driving myself crazy. For us this baby was a big shock, I'm not sure if I'd have been able to face actively trying again knowing the journey we had last time. My obstetrician told me that in his 35+ years of practice he's never known a single woman to die from pre-e or HELLP, in the developed world the risk is to the baby not the mother provided she has regular antenatal visits. The risk is less the second time around, and if you do get it again it's likely to be later. Do you have any other risk factors (being overweight, existing high blood pressure, clotting disorders?) While my consultant has given me a 90% chance of pre-e again due to having existing high bp issues and how early it was and how quickly it progressed, he's given me a 15% chance of HELLP as they just wouldn't let things progress like last time now they know my pattern. I did a lot of research prior to pregnancy this time, and I'm doing everything I can to try to reduce my risk. For me I looked at the vitamin D research in depth, and had a private test done on my levels (which was only £25) and these turned out to be 2 when they should be a minimum of 50. so I've been taking really high dose supplements to try to help if pre-e does set in again.

 

[katy1310]

I had pre-e at 27+1 and delivered at 28+0 last time, I'm now 22+0 with baby 2. I won't lie, I'm so anxious I feel like I'm driving myself crazy. For us this baby was a big shock, I'm not sure if I'd have been able to face actively trying again knowing the journey we had last time. My obstetrician told me that in his 35+ years of practice he's never known a single woman to die from pre-e or HELLP, in the developed world the risk is to the baby not the mother provided she has regular antenatal visits. The risk is less the second time around, and if you do get it again it's likely to be later. Do you have any other risk factors (being overweight, existing high blood pressure, clotting disorders?) While my consultant has given me a 90% chance of pre-e again due to having existing high bp issues and how early it was and how quickly it progressed, he's given me a 15% chance of HELLP as they just wouldn't let things progress like last time now they know my pattern. I did a lot of research prior to pregnancy this time, and I'm doing everything I can to try to reduce my risk. For me I looked at the vitamin D research in depth, and had a private test done on my levels (which was only £25) and these turned out to be 2 when they should be a minimum of 50. so I've been taking really high dose supplements to try to help if pre-e does set in again.

Thank you, that all sounds very reassuring. I don't know what my BP is doing just now, it was high when I was in hospital the other week but I was VERY ill with swine flu - my heart rate was much too fast, I was unable to breathe without oxygen etc so nothing was really working as it should be! I have lost a lot of weight since having Sophie, I was slightly overweight before but I've lost 2 stone recently.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly - I will be checking now to see how it all goes! I really hope you get much further than last time I have a few friends who've had pre eclampsia the first time and gone on to have full term babies the second time - some of them even earlier than I had it the first time then had a full termer. xxxx

 

[RcdM]

Hi! I had my dd at 30 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. It was sudden and unexpected. I went to my regular appointment at 29 weeks, my bp was a little high and I had a little protein in my urine so they wanted me to come back in a week. About 4 days later I woke up with very blurry vision. I went into the hospital just to get checked out, thinking they'd give me some meds or something and send me home. Nope - was immediately admitted, bp was getting higher and higher despite being on magnesium and others, was told my kidneys would start failing and the only cure was to deliver - had her a day and a half later. Anyway. I NEVER wanted to have just one child. I have so many great memories of growing up with my 2 sisters. We had so much fun together and I couldn't even imagine what my poor lonely dd would do all alone growing up. I wanted a 2nd so badly and did so much research, talked to different doctors, and read tons of threads on forums like this! My SO on the other hand, was done. He did not want another, some reasons personal but most because he was really afraid of going through all this again. It was terrifying for me, but I can only imagine how scary it must be for our partners who have no control and not even sure if their wives are going to make it let alone their unborn child.

After about a year of talks, arguments, negotiations (lol) and more talks... I finally got him to change his mind. I am now pregnant with #2. This will be our last, which I am 100% okay with. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried, but God has given me comfort and strength to deal with this. They have me on baby aspirin and everything is fine so far. If my bp starts to go up, i'll be monitored much more frequently, but for now I'm treated normally. The risks, in my opinion, are worth it. I trust my doctor and I trust God and I know that whatever happens is meant to be, just like last time.

Last time, I truly believe that I developed pre-e so suddenly in order to save my dd's life. While in the hospital after the 2nd steroid shot, they had dd's heartrate monitored and all that... well in the middle of that night her heart rate started dropping, rather low. Nurses came in out of no where (scared me!) and said it looked like I was having contractions and the baby's heart rate is dropping. They brought in the ultrasound machine and looked closely at the blood flow and it wasn't good. They immediately got me in the OR and delivered her right then. Turns out, she had gotten her cord in a knot.

I feel as though all that pre-e happened so that I would be under the care of the doctors and they would find out about the knot. If I was home and just waiting for my next appointment, we never would have known for another 3 or 4 days and I don't even want to think about what might have happened.

Sorry that was so long. But your choice is a personal choice and one that should be thought out. But like another poster said, my doctor also said in all the years of her career she's never seen a woman die from pre-e or HELLP that been getting care like normal.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

 

[Foogirl]

We've been trying for a couple of years. Nothing is happening and despite us really wanting another baby a small part of me is relieved with every negative test.

We have had no explanation as to why it happened and have been told there is as much chance happening again as it did the first time. That was apparently supposed to be comforting according to my consultant. But the risks were low the first time and it still happened so what comfort is that??

I totally understand your fear Katy. But we'll be so well monitored this time hopefully they'll catch any problems early.

 

[lilesMom]

My Sis has 4 kids,and only had pre e on one in the middle
So fx u wouldn't get it again. Xx
I'm putting off decision on Num 2 cos has choleststasis and lo had a stroke
So I have a lot of ur same worries
I change my mind every week on if I'm one and done or notI always wanted moRe than one
I prob will pluck up the courage in a few yrs ;-)
Best of luck hon