So sick of everything and everyone

[petite ping]

OH is travelling a lot and has a big project in the middle east so he is spending a lot of time there. At the moment the rythm is 2.5 weeks out and 4-7 days at home before he leaves again. When he's here his work is like a third person in our marriage - constantly calling on his days off, at night, on the weekend. The project has a lot of problems and my OH is unfortunately seen as the man to sort it out - so he is under quite a bit of pressure. It's been like this since Xmas - I've seen my OH 5 weeks in total since then. Other times he comes home because I travel for work too (I work in export) so when he come home I leave. I don't see any end of this before the end of the year. OH has always travelled but not as much (may be a week out then 2 weeks at home and then long periods at home)

I asked to work from home when DD2 arrived because it would have been impossible to organise my home life and my professional life with OH travelling - my work place is a 1.5 - 2 hours from home. Whilst it's great for the girls, it's incredibly lonely and isolating. I feel chained to my PC. My boss has asked me for a full reporting on how I spend my days (something he doesn't ask from anyone else - even the others that work home office) and is constantly pressuring me to travel more which I can't because there is no-one to take care of the kids. With my OH out - sometimes I can spend weeks without adult company. OH calls me every night and he makes an effort to listen to me because he knows I'm alone but it's no longer enough.

My nanny has imposed her 4 weeks of summer holidays mi july to mid august. I have a business trip the last two weeks of july - thanks to my boss and my OH has just announced that there is a good chance he will have to travel beginning of August. So no summer hols with my OH. Great! I can't even motivate myself to book any thing.

My in laws were meant to come over a week or so ago to see the girls over a long weekend. It was a visit that was organised in february because we weren't able to meet up at Easter (that is another long story). My relationship with my MIL is strange - not conflictual but we are just not easy together - but I was looking forward to seeing them - some adult company after all - and had planned the whole weekend around them. The week before I call them to ask them when they were planning to arrive. There was a long moment of silence - and she said that she would call me later as she was going away on the weekend. I thought "crap she forgot". But I thought it was a bit strange as 1. she never forgets anything 2. we had talked about it around easter. The day before the long weekend I call them again - no one picked up. I spent the whole evening trying to reach them and finally they picked up at 9pm and told me sheepishly that they were not coming because of "ASPARAGUS"!!!!!!!.
It's the asparagus season apparently and the local producer of asparagus announced that they were ready so my in laws felt it was more important to spend the weekend canning than with their grand kids. They haven't seen DDs since november. I was too speechless to say anything. It's silly but I spent the night crying. I felt so much more alone. They could have just said they didn't want to come - it would have been less insulting. They could have warned me much much earlier so I could have arranged to visit friends - normally everyone fills up their long weekends pretty early. I don't know why I expected them to come. They never came when I asked them for help implicitly and explicitly - they refused to come and help after DD1's birth and DD2's birth because of runner beans and to visit us because of tomatoes.

My parents have never come and will never come. My friends are far away. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of having to rely on myself. I'm sick of putting on a bright face for my warring and worried toddlers I'm sick of my OH coming and going. I'm worried all the time as he's working in a dangerous part of the world. I'm sick of his work. I'm sick of my work and my new boss who's sole purpose in life seems to be adding to my work load. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in a prison from 9-6. If it weren't for my kids I'd spend the whole day hiding under my duvet. I thought I was braver.

Sorry for the long post - but this has been building up for some time.

 

[Zephram]

Oh wow, that's a tough situation! I feel for you. It doesn't sound like either you or your OH have any work-life balance. It's hard to know what to suggest except that one or both of you look into making some changes work wise. It's not really a sustainable situation long term, you sound absolutely burnt out.

 

[Gym knickers]

I really really feel for you, it sounds like an impossible situation. Something somehow needs to change. Does your DH realise quite how lonely you are? If not he needs to. I don't think you can be expected to keep going like this indefinitely. Sending you lots of hugs.

 

[cat_reversing]

Sorry to hear having a hard time, sending hugs. Stress can make you ill and isn't good for your kids. Bottom line? You and oh have to talk and soon. Things can't carry on the way they have been, it's just not working.
Book a meeting with oh and Skype, write down exactly how you feel and discuss it completely openly.
There will have to be a compromise.
Talk!

 

[smurff]

Wow can relate to alot of what you've said. My husband also works away, I see him 1 day a week and even then it's constant phone calls and text messages to him. It drives me mad, and to make things worse he's away for 7 months next year (can't think about that). We have 2 children, a little man who's 2 and my princess who is 4, I beg my husband everyday to leave his current job and get another one but his reply is that I knew he travelled with work when I married him. My daughter has learning difficulties us globally delayed with possible autism, I'm constantly taking her to special development centre or to appointments plus we're trying to get her into a specialist school and the meetings and forms are endless. I have to deal with all of this on my own and I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I never really got on great with husbands family, when my children were born none of his family came to see them even though they lived and hour down the road, husbands dad didn't see my little girl which was his first granddaughter until she was 6mths old and that was only because we took her to see him. His sister has seen my little girl twice and the last time she seen my son he was 6wks old but she soon had a go at us cause she thought we wasn't making enough effort with her daughter, then about 6mths ago she was visiting her friends and drove past our front door and never came to see us.

It's hard very hard, my children are my world I couldn't live without them but sometimes I just want to be able to go upstairs and have a bath or just to sit for an hour to read a book but I never get the chance.

Since I had my daughter 4yrs ago I've spent 1 night away from her, I've never spent a might away from my son, and in the last 4yrs I've gone out 5 times while my mum baby sat. Basically I go out once a year.
Sorry for going on a bit, I started typing and couldn't stop

 

[petite ping]

My OH knows about my feelings. I was alone for much of my pregnancies and for the first six months of both my girls. It was baby and bump that kept me going then. The only thing that has defined my life since I had kids is overwhelming loneliness.

Ironically OH's job had no travelling when he started and I was the one who travelled all the time. When we decided to start a family I deliberately chose a job with little or no travelling. But jobs evolve... OH tried to change jobs last year - he got a job within his company (he works for a very big company) where we would have moved to amsterdam but he would have come home every night - but the directors blocked the move and basically put pressure on him until he accepted to do his current project. I think OH is scared to change jobs as he's been with the company for most of his professional life and has worked his way up the ranks.

I would like him to come home more and for longer - I used to literally beg him to come back but now I realise that there is no point and that it's hard for him too. OH is under so much pressure at the moment and he wants to come home more than anything. When he is here, he is really present for the girls (sometimes it would have been better if this was not the case) - though he does fear that one day they will reproach him for travelling so much.

For the moment there is nothing I can do but grit my teeth and move forward. On the other hand I will not be speaking to my MIL as I fear I will say things I will regret.

Thank you for the hugs.