"So, who's your Doctor?"

[AshLegend]

I'm sure many of you can relate to this.

I'm barely 5 weeks pregnant, firmly set on a home waterbirth with midwife after very extensive reading and research, and I've already had four family members ask me who my doctor is going to be. My Mother and Grandmother both keep dropping names, even to the point of mentioning that they know the head nurse in the labor ward at the main birthing hospital and that they can get the "inside scoop" on the good docs and labor policies if I want. Keep in mind that I've already told them I'd like a home waterbirth with midwife attending. Kinda sorta the opposite of what they key bringing up?

I'm in Florida, USA, where the typical standard of care for birth is in the hospital with full medical intervention. Our two local birthing hospitals have C-section rates hovering near 50%. There are, thankfully, several midwives in the area who assist home births. Many of my friends and acquaintances have had home births and it's something that my husband and I want to fully embrace.

Please tell me that it will eventually get through to them that this is my labor and birth, not theirs, and we have thoughtfully decided what we would like to do. Anyone have any nice ways of telling someone "thanks, but no thanks"?

AshLegend

 

[MindUtopia]

What about just saying, 'thanks but we've already chosen someone. [insert name of midwife here] who is based in [insert name of town here]' and leave it at that. You don't have to mention she's a midwife (and not an OB) or that you are planning a home birth unless the person asking is someone you actually want to talk about your birth plans with. I think with most people this would be enough to deflect the question, if that's what you're after, without having to get into the conversation about why you prefer to home birth.

If it's a close friend or family member who is going to keep bringing it up, I think a swift, but firm, 'we plan to go with a midwife and have a home birth because we've researched it and talked to our friends who have done that, and it's the right choice for us' and then if they keep bringing it up or not taking that as an answer, let them know next time that you're happy to answer their questions and educate them about why that's best for you, but you don't want to debate it.

 

[YikesBaby]

People look at me like I have two heads too... all of our friends went with the hospital route, even though Canada is a little ahead of the US, it's still pretty bad here in terms of acceptance of natural birth.

I just tell them, "I'm not using an OB, I am using a MW. I don't believe in medical interventions. This is the first big decision I get to make as a parent, and I've made it and I don't plan to change my mind."

That usually shuts them up.

 

[AshLegend]

Thank you both so much for the excellent advice. I definitely need to just assert myself with close family and friends who ask questions like these. Of course, it would be easier if I had selected my midwife already. I have several locally to choose from but haven't talked with all of them yet. The gynocologist I last saw was literally chosen from a list without knowing anything about the practice or policies, and I intend to not repeat that mistake again. I guess I need to hurry up and get my homework done and choose my midwife!

 

[YikesBaby]

You don't need to meet a ton... find one you 'click' with and the rest is history! I met mine at a prenatal health fair and just knew she was the one.

 

[YikesBaby]

Oh... and maybe show them "The Business of Being Born"... that's what I used to give my hubby a primer.

 

[NaturalMomma]

I'm in the US too and have gotten that a lot with ds2 who I had a homebirth with. "But don't you still see a Doctor?" No I see a Midwife, she's not a Doctor. "But how do you know if something is wrong?" by seeing a Midwife who is trained in pregnancy and birth :/ I'm planning my second homebirth now, hoping I don't get the same dumb questions, but I'm sure I will.

 

[amjon]

I'm also in Florida. I had a MW starting about 10 weeks into my first pregnancy (that's when they started seeing patients). I went to a MW at the OB/GYN office around 5 weeks first (need a prenatal prescription). They ordered my labs and an ultrasound at 7 weeks (which they completely messed up and had me freaking out until I had another at PP 3 days after). At 26 weeks they referred me to the hospital because my BP was borderline. I went to the hospital and was told I was fine and to return to the MW. 4 days later my baby was DEAD! The stress test they did that day has now disappeared. That is the ONLY thing in my chart that isn't there and it now says "No Data". (Hmmmm... I wonder it they are trying to hide something as there is nothing we can do without proof they knew there was an issue and NO CONSEQUENCE for them for DELETING medical records.) I don't know if there would have been a different outcome if I had gone to an OB first, but think there might have been. I don't think the MWs gave poor care and did all the tests/ checks the OB would have (other than maybe an early ultrasound, but had that at the OB MW). I think the hospital gave me HORRIBLE care and if I had been with an OB wouldn't have had to rely on them in that situation. I switched to an OB (even though the hospital told me I wasn't high risk and could return to the MW) for my next pregnancy and will from now on. I had people ask what doctor I was going to and I just told them I had chosen a MW. I didn't have anyone that seemed to have a problem with it though (except my mom questioned if I would make it through labor with no access to meds).

 

[Liesje]

I was the opposite, I had a planned elective c-section and people kept going on like I wasn't even talking... Everyone seems to have their own preconceptions about births and think everyone is like them...
All I kept hearing was "babies come when they're ready"... By the end I just smiled and nodded

 

[Jendra]

People look at me like I have two heads too... all of our friends went with the hospital route, even though Canada is a little ahead of the US, it's still pretty bad here in terms of acceptance of natural birth.

I just tell them, "I'm not using an OB, I am using a MW. I don't believe in medical interventions. This is the first big decision I get to make as a parent, and I've made it and I don't plan to change my mind."

That usually shuts them up.

You're my hero. I would like to say something similar. I already know I'm gonna get the flack. The baby boomers didn't really have these options and so I think sometimes don't fully appreciate there might be better ways for different women.

Prior to getting pregnant, I've mentioned this belief of mine and got tons of pushback. Now that I'm actually incubating, hoo boy... Ain't looking forward to those conversations.

 

[solitaire89]

I'd love to say that the comments go away, but for me they didn't. I think the best thing of all though is when you tell people after the birth that you did it your way and all was fantastic! The look on their faces is priceless!

As for comments to arm yourself with - IMO one of the best goes along the lines of "I spend 9 months of you telling me I can't eat X and drink Y, and then you go and tell me that at the first sniff of labour I should be pumping myself full of drugs, including opiates, without a thought as to how that affects either me or my baby"

 

[AshLegend]

Thankfully my MIL is very supportive of our choice and is definitely a cheerleader for waterbirth now. Its nice to be able to talk to her about it. DH has been on board from the start.

We are lucky enough to have a midwife run birth center here that offers waterbirth. DH and I toured the center earlier this week and the midwife just "clicked" with us. The midwife's husband in an OBGYN and provides backup support for more complicates cases. We had discussed having a home waterbirth, but I feel vey comfortable with the midwife and birth center so we've chosen to go that route. I'm very happy with our choice.

 

[try4girl2]

I'm also in Florida. I had a MW starting about 10 weeks into my first pregnancy (that's when they started seeing patients). I went to a MW at the OB/GYN office around 5 weeks first (need a prenatal prescription). They ordered my labs and an ultrasound at 7 weeks (which they completely messed up and had me freaking out until I had another at PP 3 days after). At 26 weeks they referred me to the hospital because my BP was borderline. I went to the hospital and was told I was fine and to return to the MW. 4 days later my baby was DEAD! The stress test they did that day has now disappeared. That is the ONLY thing in my chart that isn't there and it now says "No Data". (Hmmmm... I wonder it they are trying to hide something as there is nothing we can do without proof they knew there was an issue and NO CONSEQUENCE for them for DELETING medical records.) I don't know if there would have been a different outcome if I had gone to an OB first, but think there might have been. I don't think the MWs gave poor care and did all the tests/ checks the OB would have (other than maybe an early ultrasound, but had that at the OB MW). I think the hospital gave me HORRIBLE care and if I had been with an OB wouldn't have had to rely on them in that situation. I switched to an OB (even though the hospital told me I wasn't high risk and could return to the MW) for my next pregnancy and will from now on. I had people ask what doctor I was going to and I just told them I had chosen a MW. I didn't have anyone that seemed to have a problem with it though (except my mom questioned if I would make it through labor with no access to meds).

I don't know if this would help you or not but can you find out if they billed you for the NST and if they did use this against them asking if they billed you they have to have the results?

 

[Shadowy Lady]

I'm in Canada and like other Canadians mentioned, it's a bit better here than US but still most ppl go through OB's and intervensions for their births. I would say 3 outta 10 women I talk to are going the midwife route now though which is nice to hear. The hospitals here in Ottawa don't push as many interventions on ppl as they do in the US so the "Business of Being Born" movie doesn't really apply here. Midwives are becoming very popular especially within the last five years and at least at my hospital they are in charge of 40% of the births. Based on my hospital stats, only 20% of women who went the midwife route use an epidural.

I hear comments like you hear all the time too. But as I'm not nearly 35 weeks along, I've gotten used to ignoring them or just telling ppl something that would shut them up, lol! You'll see that the comments won't go away but you don't need to be swayed by others opinion. How you give birth is your personal choice really. But make sure to keep an open mind. I want to go natural too but I accept that things may not go according to my plans and I'm ok with that.

 

[AshLegend]

Latest naysayer update: My primary care physician won't sign the referral I need to get insurance coverage for my birth center. Seriously irate right now. I've been his patient since I was 17 years old. I've always trusted him and thought of him as a forward thinking doctor. I have no serious health issues and am not considered a high risk pregnancy. His office sent a note to the birth center that simply said "dr. X won't agree to it " . There was a damn frowny face on the fax! It went on to say that I should get my OBGYN to sign off on the referral. The man has no clue.

In the state of Florida, insurance companies are required by law to cover midwifes and birth centers. In my case, my insurer isnt set up with my birth center. The standard protocol is to request in-network coverage for the birth center with primary care physician referral. Since this is the only birth center in the entire county, they will have to cover it. He will have to sign off on it. If he won't, I'll be forced to switch to a primary care doc who will.

After I cooled off a bit and let the anger subside, I decided to write him a lengthy, positively worded letter explaining my need for the referral. I'd have rather given him a piece of my mind.

 

[YikesBaby]

Sounds like you handled it better than I would have! Fingers are crossed that he snaps out of it hun!

 

[Guppy051708]

it may or may not get through to people, but honestly, try to focus on your goals and wishes. You are the one that has to go through it, so i say, keep pressing on. Raise awareness, and if they get on your nerves, be armed with educational information, like the truth about home birth and the truth about the "standard of care" in US hospitals...believe me, i know what you're going through, having a homebirth in the US is taboo and trust me ive had my fair share...but at the end of the day, i got the birth i wanted! and you can do the same i find a lot of people to very uneducated when it comes to birth here in the States. So many ppl told me i was selfish for having a homebirth (let alone a hospital water birth with my first), they would say rude remarks about me putting my babies life in danger....piss on them is what i say, they obviously dont know what i do about most hospital births

 

[amjon]

I'm also in Florida. I had a MW starting about 10 weeks into my first pregnancy (that's when they started seeing patients). I went to a MW at the OB/GYN office around 5 weeks first (need a prenatal prescription). They ordered my labs and an ultrasound at 7 weeks (which they completely messed up and had me freaking out until I had another at PP 3 days after). At 26 weeks they referred me to the hospital because my BP was borderline. I went to the hospital and was told I was fine and to return to the MW. 4 days later my baby was DEAD! The stress test they did that day has now disappeared. That is the ONLY thing in my chart that isn't there and it now says "No Data". (Hmmmm... I wonder it they are trying to hide something as there is nothing we can do without proof they knew there was an issue and NO CONSEQUENCE for them for DELETING medical records.) I don't know if there would have been a different outcome if I had gone to an OB first, but think there might have been. I don't think the MWs gave poor care and did all the tests/ checks the OB would have (other than maybe an early ultrasound, but had that at the OB MW). I think the hospital gave me HORRIBLE care and if I had been with an OB wouldn't have had to rely on them in that situation. I switched to an OB (even though the hospital told me I wasn't high risk and could return to the MW) for my next pregnancy and will from now on. I had people ask what doctor I was going to and I just told them I had chosen a MW. I didn't have anyone that seemed to have a problem with it though (except my mom questioned if I would make it through labor with no access to meds).

I don't know if this would help you or not but can you find out if they billed you for the NST and if they did use this against them asking if they billed you they have to have the results?

We've already done that. Attorney sent a demand letter and we only got a page that says, "No data". Basically they can delete whatever they want with no consequences.