Some advice

[Bowie77]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum as I would like some perspective/advice/direction.

Most of you will hate what I'm going to say but I'm just going to put it out there. I am 14 weeks pregnant by a married man (unplanned)

Things were going well but now we aren't getting on so great. We don't really talk about the baby or what his expectations are, or to what extent he'd like to be involved etc

I am self sufficient and will do my best as a working single parent. I have great friends to support me.

I knew that he would be working away for 3 months (from when I'm 4 months pregnant to 7 months pregnant). Now I find out he's actually going to be away a month earlier than expected.

Should I cut him out of my life and just go it alone full stop? He will be back 2 months before the birth and said he doesn't want to be there at the birth. He also doesn't want to be a dad again (he has two grown up kids) and didn't want me to continue with the pregnancy.

I would never ask him to leave his wife etc although he keeps feeling the need to tell me that he wouldn't throw away 20yrs of marriage for me. He also said that if we were together properly it'd never work due to me ruining it (thanks a bunch!).

I've always been pretty relaxed about the situation and said he can be as involved or as uninvolved in our child's life as he wants. I am not asking anything from him.

Sometimes he just totally ignores me and I feel like I'm the one running after him to find out what the situation is now when I really shouldn't be. He keeps saying he won't leave his wife but in the next breath he says that I never fight for him. All very confusing.

So, what should I do now?

 

[Sunshine555]

You know the saying goes, "Action speaks louder than words." By his actions, he is saying that he is not committed to you. I have seen a few cases where the man gets involved but almost always goes back to his wife. I am glad to see that you have support from caring friends. I am also glad to see that you are self-sufficient. I pray that you find someone who is totally committed to you. I have been in relationships where the guy stops communicating and was not really involved in my life anymore. I just moved on. He has already proven that he can't be faithful in his own marriage.

 

[Oldermummy78]

Totally agree with above post,
And I won't rant about sleeping with a married man,your an adult and so is he and these things unfortunately happen,

I hope you find someone that's worthy of you and you continue to get support from people close to you, good luck with everything, life's certainly testing at times keep strong mumma xx

 

[tankel]

Personally, I say at least get some child support. Hope everything works out.

 

[MrsT&Ben]

Things happen. Life is shit. The situation is far from perfect but as long as you can deal with it don't let other people's opinions cloud your judgement.
I think you need to decide what you want from him. If you think your baby would be better off without him in their life then cut all ties. Right now. Money doesn't matter.
If you do think you want him involved then you have no option but to make him tell his wife. This is a life we are taking about and a few years down the line questions will get asked. Either way you have to do what it right for you and your baby .

Massive hugs sweetheart, he sounds like an arsehole x

 

[daneuse27]

I would go straight to a lawyer, and have him served to pay child support starting from when the baby comes. Regardless of whether he's going to be involved, the child deserves the financial support from both ends, and trust me on this; even if you're self-sufficient, you are going to need as much funding as possible. The child may have unexpected medical costs that aren't covered, you may need a up-size to a larger home to accommodate the child, there will be a lot of extra driving/commuting to that the child to daycare/school/activities/appointments. The costs really add up.

The dad sounds like an awful human and I'm not sure if I'd want someone like that parenting my child, but thats up to you if you want to peruse it. But this isn't a case of "actions speak louder than words" because even his WORDS are telling you that he does not want to be apart of this child's life. Both his words and actions are telling you the same thing, so I would not continue to try to get anywhere with him.

I would also make sure that you have documentation of everything he's saying about not wanting to be involved. Save those texts and emails somewhere safe. This way he can't turn around in 5 years and claim that he wanted to be a dad, and you were the one that shut him out. We already know he's a deceiving, lying cheat who lacks empathy, so I wouldn't put anything passed him.

Make sure he's financially obligated to pay, and it can be taken straight from his paycheque or whatever his source of income is. I wish you and your child all the best.