sorry, absent father rant

[new_to_ttc]

Hi all, I lurk around here occassionally, but dont really post much. Im single mum to my eldest 8 years, and technically single mum to my baby although thats more complicated than it should be lol I live alone with both boys.

Anyways, my eldest has zero contact with his dad, and despite me trying over the years his dad isnt interested, and now nor is my eldest. We did see him briefly about 8 months ago and my son just blanked him and didnt want to listen etc, and afterwards told me he didnt care what he had to say so he didnt want to listen to him. I've always kept the communication open, when I moved house I tracked him down and gave him my new details, same when I had to change my email address, just to make sure any which way he wanted he could get hold of me. Ive never asked for money, nor have I ever made a CSA claim, all I ever wanted was for him to step up to the mark. He has other children who he dotes on, yet he tells me I was his only ever real love, everyone else is 2nd best, yet he just doesnt see Joshua, or seem bothered. (just to be clear I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him he treated me so badly its unreal, I go out of my way so that Joshua will never ever be able to say I didnt try for him).

Well, I just come off the phone to my sister and Im reeling. My sisters kids havent seen their dad for 4 years and the older ones have suffered badly for this (mostly the dads fault). My sister has made numerous CSA claims, each time they track him down he moves away or quits his job etc Then out of the blue 2 weeks ago her eldest said she had found her dad on facebook, and he had accepted a friends request. Few chats with my sister and next thing he said he wants to see the kids, and it all happened just the other day. This is a big thing for the eldest 2 kids, they remember him well and miss him badly. But my sister just announced during the meeting he mentioned roughly where he was living and working so she had called CSA already! I know this will just mean he'll probably upsticks and go againand the poor kids will be devastated. I tried to tell her to withdraw the claim until the kids develop a relationship with him, and him with them and then he may not run, or maybe she'll be in a position she can talk to him about money and make arrangements, even if its through CSA to make it less messy. I really dont think going behind his back was the best thing now Im worried the kids are going to lose their dad again. I know he is a jerk if he goes because of the money, but I'd give anything for my boy to have his dad in his life, no amount of money can buy that bond

Sorry rant over, I just cant say this to my family as they all think to hell with the reprocusions he should pay his way (which wont happen if he runs again).

 

[kirst1805]

not sure what to say really hun.. I can see both sides of that argument.. regarding your sister.

xxx

 

[darsilver1]

I hear everything you are saying and I am sorry that you and you're son is going through this. I totally understand why you feel the need to keep constant communication with father and try and get father to have a relationship with son. I tried this with my son and I have come to the conclusion that nothing I can do will make a man be a father to his child. He has to want to do it on his own. I always felt like if I did everything to try and encourage communication, no one could back at me and say I prevented or obstructed communication. I cant tell you what you should do because you only know what is best. Its especially harder when boys get older and at the age of what your son is. So I understand why its important for father to be involved...I really hope things work out for you. You are doing the best you can..Remember your son's father is the one who is missing out on his son...he will have to answer for this one day...not you.

 

[xSophieBx]

I see it from 2 views.

To be honest, I wouldn't even want a man like that in my childs life, that have gone that much out their way to ensure not paying and haven't bothered with their children before now. The bond and parental responsibility includes supporting your child financially... and how do the eldest feel about the fact their mum has provided them with everything they've ever had cos of what their dads done to get out of paying for them.. I know for a fact I wouldn't want to know my dad if he done that to my mum. I would do the same if I was your sister... If he upsticks and moves on then that just proves further what a prick he is and the kids are better off not getting messed around again! If he sticks around and works with the CSA then good, it means his gonna be able to start a relationship up with his children.

Sorry you have a nob of a FOB aswell... xx

 

[TiredNurse27]

Your sisters got every right to go to the CSA, he's known for ages she needs money off him and he's dodged it to make her life harder. If he runs off just because she's after what's rightfully hers that proves what's important to him and I wouldn't want my children to spend time with anyone who valued money over them.