Spanking, Time Out, Both, or Neither?

[ahcigar1]

I don't have an issue with spanking/tap on bum or hand and deffinitely don't have an issue with time out either. Both techniques among others were used on me such as writing sencences when i got a bit older, and I have used these techniques on all of my nieces and nephews as well and all of us have turned out just fine. Mentally and physically. Doing these things teaches your children that there are consequences to being bad and acting up in ways and doing things that they shouldn't. Children won't learn consequences by just talking to them by saying, "now honey that isn't nice" or "honey that isn't right". That doesn't teach them what is right and wrong in my view, because then they begin to think that I do something bad I just get a small talking to and I'm free to go. No big deal there, that was easy. I do believe though that after disciplining your child you should then tell them why they got the spanking or time out, give them hug and kiss tell them you love them, then send them on their way.

 

[KatelynsMummy]

The only time time-out will be used is if the tantrum goes too far, ie. starts slapping, biting etc, thats when there will be a 5 minute sitting down in silence to start again.
Spanking is a NO WAY never ever, 100% against spanking/tapping what ever you want to call it.

 

[nomadlife]

I agree with Lightworker about spanking, it really isn't fair/reasonable to smack a child when hitting an adult would be considered assault.

 

[nomadlife]

I don't consider myself a beaten child or anything like that but I was smacked as a child. Sometimes I was spanked with a wooden spoon or stick (across the backside or back of the legs). I can still remember the way my parents would grab me by the upper arm and smack me. It was a humiliating experience and it made me feel completely defenseless. What didn't help was in my case my parents didn't really explain what I had done wrong, and it usually seemed my punishment was out of frustration (at the kids being "out of control") rather than as a disciplining method.

I vote no to spanking, even light ones.

 

[HappiestMom]

I was spanked as a child..and I am the most non violent/non confrontational person ever..Im not scarred for life...I dont go around hitting people to get what I want..or when they do something I dont agree with..I never have..all my brothers and sisters are the same way..and Im the oldest of 7...

It all depends on the child..as a nanny I see and deal with more kids than most parents that just deal with their own kids..I see kids that get soo upset over just a time out that spanking is completely un-necessary..and ive seen kids whos parents go the all positive redirection way..and lets just say they spend 95% of their time re-directing because their kid knows they can do whatever they want and have nothing more than someone tell them its not nice...I of course discipline as the parents see fit..not as I want.. I am not against a pop on the hand for messing with dangerous stuff...or repeatedly doing things they are asked not to...but only if that is what works best...otherwise time out..if that works..but like I said..for some kids the re-direction lets talk it out way definitely does not work...

 

[BlackBerry25]

Ok, my daughter is almost 3, and if I sat down and had a little heart to heart with her, she would NOT UNDERSTAND IT. It would be a waste of my time. My daughter needs to learn to respect what I say. I don't think forcing a kid to apologize and that's it, would teach her anything.

I put Helena in time out. I have also spanked her this week, as she came and pushed me when we were showering together because I couldn't lift her up, which could have killed my unborn child if I landed hard enough, and she also punched me in the stomach and had an hour long temper tantrum where I had to put her in time out for my safety and hers. Is she normally like this? NO. She went to her grandparents house for a week, and obviously was angry at me and also used to getting her way about everything all of a sudden. Her sleep schedule was also messed up since being there.

So yes, when she started throwing everything she could get her hands on, including a giant painting off my wall at me, and there was absolutely no reasoning with her, (She is a huge 3 yr old, I am 6 ft tall myself but very pregnant with very bad spd and home alone) I spanked her and put her in time out. Then when she calmed down enough, I went in and had a talk with her and told her that we both needed a break and that is why she was in there.

I do not believe she is a violent kid, I do not believe spanking once a year or something, when something is very "bad", will make a kid violent, or hate me, or hate her childhood, etc. Like Moomin said, she was spanked, I was spanked. Not all the time. And we are perfectly fine. We are not violent people who sit here and hate on their parents. I am glad my Mom prevented me from being a brat.

Ok you can all hate on me now

 

[BlackBerry25]

And I agree, spanking is usually out of frustration, but sometimes the frustration is because nothing else has worked, and its a last resort. I know it is a last resort in my house. During H's tantrum, I tried talking to her obviously. I tried explaining I cannot lift a 40 pound wet kid when I am pregnant, for long lengths of time. When she calmed down, I explained again and she got it.

 

[Melissa_M]

I was spanked as a child...it was the norm back then. I like to think I turned out okay

I don't plan on spanking but I also wouldn't judge anyone else's parenting choices....especially since I haven't had to deal with a toddler yet!!!

There has to be some form of discipline though or else the kids just rule the house. Have you ever seen Supernanny??

 

[ShanandBoc]

Both me and my DH disagree with smacking. So personally we will never lay a hand on our DD, but i think time out has its place. It allows the child to be removed from the situation to think, to be explained to that waht they did was wrong and why and then afterwards apologize.

As she is only 8 months we havent actually put it in into action, but will see how it goes.

I was smacked as a child only if i was very naughty and when i was older not a toddler or anything, i had a very stable, loving home environment and it hasnt affected me at all.

 

[moomin_troll]

Ok, my daughter is almost 3, and if I sat down and had a little heart to heart with her, she would NOT UNDERSTAND IT. It would be a waste of my time. My daughter needs to learn to respect what I say. I don't think forcing a kid to apologize and that's it, would teach her anything.

I put Helena in time out. I have also spanked her this week, as she came and pushed me when we were showering together because I couldn't lift her up, which could have killed my unborn child if I landed hard enough, and she also punched me in the stomach and had an hour long temper tantrum where I had to put her in time out for my safety and hers. Is she normally like this? NO. She went to her grandparents house for a week, and obviously was angry at me and also used to getting her way about everything all of a sudden. Her sleep schedule was also messed up since being there.

So yes, when she started throwing everything she could get her hands on, including a giant painting off my wall at me, and there was absolutely no reasoning with her, (She is a huge 3 yr old, I am 6 ft tall myself but very pregnant with very bad spd and home alone) I spanked her and put her in time out. Then when she calmed down enough, I went in and had a talk with her and told her that we both needed a break and that is why she was in there.

I do not believe she is a violent kid, I do not believe spanking once a year or something, when something is very "bad", will make a kid violent, or hate me, or hate her childhood, etc. Like Moomin said, she was spanked, I was spanked. Not all the time. And we are perfectly fine. We are not violent people who sit here and hate on their parents. I am glad my Mom prevented me from being a brat.

Ok you can all hate on me now

zane punched me in the stomach the other day and bit my leg which caused a bruise.....there was no lead up to this he just did it so he got a smack on the hand for that one.

i do tend to talk to him alot now about being naughty and he tends to understand quiet alot now but when hes in that mood me saying no thats not nice would not of worked! he hasnt hit me since.

i told my mum what he did and she said he best of got a smack for that one....now my mum was a abused beaten child.
my nan was a alcoholic and used to get drunk and beat the hell out of my mum, she then was married to my dad who beat the hell out of her. shes never beat us up but like i said we got a smack on the bum when we needed it

 

[lynnikins]

I was spanked as a child, time out was used as was distraction and redirection , i must say none of it harmed me in anyway i have no relationship, anger or other issues, what didnt work was being yelled at by anybody, i was a brat at times growing up but i needed consequences and taking my "toys and treats" away would have in no way impacted on me at all, i was a stubborn kid and needed firm discipline. what got through to me most was getting lightly spanked and sent to sit in the bathroom and think about what I had done ( obviously when old enough to understand this concept ) then having my parent come and talk to me about it , find out why i was behaving that way.

as a Parent ive used many discipline techniques , spanking is something that is rarely done but there are situations that warrent it with my eldest as he has inherited my stubborn streak and talking with him doesnt always work, mostly we use time out for my eldest its time out alone but in the same room as me ( we have a mat he sits on so it can move from room to room with us ) for my younger son he rides out his tantrum on my lap in a safe way so nobody and nothing gets harmed then he gets told what was wrong , he doesnt understand really but hes learning that tantrums wont be tolerated as well. I try to avoid raising my voice to the children unless they are in danger of being hurt ( ie..about to step onto the road.... touch something dangerous that will harm them ) then they get a sharp verbal warning, and taken by the hand away and told why.

Not one method will work with all children and i learnt that as a Nanny/childminder so every situation has to be dealt with with consistancy but as an individual siutation as well.

 

[BlackBerry25]

I was spanked as a child, time out was used as was distraction and redirection , i must say none of it harmed me in anyway i have no relationship, anger or other issues, what didnt work was being yelled at by anybody, i was a brat at times growing up but i needed consequences and taking my "toys and treats" away would have in no way impacted on me at all, i was a stubborn kid and needed firm discipline. what got through to me most was getting lightly spanked and sent to sit in the bathroom and think about what I had done ( obviously when old enough to understand this concept ) then having my parent come and talk to me about it , find out why i was behaving that way.

as a Parent ive used many discipline techniques , spanking is something that is rarely done but there are situations that warrent it with my eldest as he has inherited my stubborn streak and talking with him doesnt always work, mostly we use time out for my eldest its time out alone but in the same room as me ( we have a mat he sits on so it can move from room to room with us ) for my younger son he rides out his tantrum on my lap in a safe way so nobody and nothing gets harmed then he gets told what was wrong , he doesnt understand really but hes learning that tantrums wont be tolerated as well. I try to avoid raising my voice to the children unless they are in danger of being hurt ( ie..about to step onto the road.... touch something dangerous that will harm them ) then they get a sharp verbal warning, and taken by the hand away and told why.

Not one method will work with all children and i learnt that as a Nanny/childminder so every situation has to be dealt with with consistancy but as an individual siutation as well.

Same, I hate yelling. I really hate it.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I dont do any really. We sometimes use time out but not a step of anything, just turn off tv etc and let my son calm down.

I use positive parenting, this means I tried to phase out the negative and focus on the good and the bad faded, Yes sometimes we are late, they mouth back and I shout but generally we are a calm family. I dont really need to use the step. I find distraction and sticker charts work best in our house

They put marbles in the jar when they have helped, been kind etc etc and they get treats at the end of the week depending on marbles. This means even if they have slipped up and been a bit naughty, the positive is still being praised.

 

[tasha41]

I am with Blackberry pretty much- I hate yelling. My dad yelled (and yells) a lot, he'd never hit us etc but IMO it was just as frightening and really wrong. So I don't yell, I'll use a sharp NO to stop her and get her attention when she's doing something unsafe, then explain to her why she can't climb a chair to reach things on shelves or why she can't go near the road, etc.

But during a tantrum - which I'm sorry, she NEVER had until she was well over 2 years old lol - 'reasoning' is not an option, she just won't have any of it, and usually the more flap my mouth she more frustrated she gets. I don't really do time outs during tantrums often, usually only if they are going on and on and on, like yesterday she was having a tantrum because she wanted to nap on the couch rather than on my bed with me- if she lays on the couch she will get up and probably not fall asleep at all. If I let her go in her own room, she'd play with toys or come out (the tantrum was because she was not happy about having a nap really)... in my room, no toys etc, it's darker so easier to fall asleep.. etc.. so I left her on the bed and walked out for a couple of minutes, to see if she would calm down a little if I left her alone (which she did).

I don't have a time out spot or naughty step or anything like that, I don't have to discipline at home very often- maybe once every 2 weeks, usually beyond a "Don't climb honey, you could fall and hurt yourself" etc we have no problems. She acts up in the store sometimes (boredom) so I try to avoid those sort of situations, because I know she's better off at her grandma's or home with daddy during that time, she'll be entertained well, etc.

 

[nomadlife]

I was thinking about this some more, and reflecting on my own childhood that the WAY smacking was handled was the scary part. I really think that hitting kids when worked up or angry is a recipe for disaster, emotions can take over and people can do things they really regret. So in saying that I think it is probably unwise to spank when very angry and better to take a few minutes time out before dealing with your child.

Someone I knew their Dad would sit them down and have a chat about why they were in trouble (quite religious, so would have the Bible and pray about it etc) and then they would get their smack/s. They said that it was never scary because it was all handled very calmly and said the worst part was that they knew they had disappointed/let down their Dad

So of course there are different ways spanking is handled, and that is the part that makes the biggest difference IMO

 

[KittyVentura]

I was smacked. I am a confident, outgoing person who hates violence. All that smacking did for me really was make me feel I did not want to use it on my own child.

I'm not sure about time outs. I think they can be very effective and actually can be good for the parent too. I see so many parents that end up shouting at their child or making threats etc when "punishing". By threats I mean "Stop that or you won't have XXXX" and the such. I see many parents who get so wound up by their own child that they punish too hard and take things further than they need to. Those parents that keep griping about the issue after it's happened and been "dealt with" and keep adding punishment on punishment. "Stop that or you wont get XXX for a week", "Now you're crying... stop fussing or it'll be 2 weeks"..."Well now you're back chatting it's 3 weeks" etc etc etc.

Punishment says a lot about the parent and so much of it is done out of anger and frustration on the parent's end and when that happens the parent has lost control.

In situations like those a time out would actually give both the child AND the parent a chance to defuse before then sorting the issue.

I don't know what kind of child Fin will be, how much he'll push boundaries and how I'll react to that... so I can't say for sure I won't time out. I don't PLAN to do it though, I'd like to think I can deal with behavioural issues calmly and cooly... but only time will tell. If my buttons get really pressed then time-outs would likely be better for us both xx

 

[Mrs Mayhem]

I think it is really hard to make a definite statement on what we will do right now. Our LO is only 8.5 months, we've not faced anything which would warrant 'managing' as yet.

However, I will say that we will not ever hit our daughter in any way. I was smacked as a child when I was really really naughty and it did me no harm, but hubby was physically abused by his mum and it has left him with horrendous memories and a very strong instinct to never ever hit.

At work I deal with a hell of a lot of physical and verbal abuse. One of our policies is to use 'RAID' which means Reinforce Appropriate, Implode Disruptive.
I imagine we'll take this approach, praising and recognising good behaviour and playing down negative behaviour, therefore leading the child to recognise that if they need some extra attention or have some frustrations to get out, doing so by behaving in a positive manner WILL get a reaction (a good one) and doing something negative, disruptive or violent will not receive attention.

If it doesn't work, thats fine, we'll just move on with what does work. But it won't be hitting.

 

[nomadlife]

@Mrs Mayhem I haven't heard of RAID before, sounds interesting do you have more info on it?

I agree with what KittyVentura said "Punishment says a lot about the parent and so much of it is done out of anger and frustration on the parent's end and when that happens the parent has lost control."

Smacking is not for my family, but if other parents do do it I don't judge them for it. I think proper discipline is teaching, not just reacting to a behavior or incident.

 

[Mrs Mayhem]

@Mrs Mayhem I haven't heard of RAID before, sounds interesting do you have more info on it?

I agree with what KittyVentura said "Punishment says a lot about the parent and so much of it is done out of anger and frustration on the parent's end and when that happens the parent has lost control."

Smacking is not for my family, but if other parents do do it I don't judge them for it. I think proper discipline is teaching, not just reacting to a behavior or incident.

Its one of those topics that they like you to learn, rather than read about if you know what I mean, so there's not a lot out there on it, but here is the page of the company who run it and it gives a brief overview.

https://www.apt.ac/raidav.html

We use it in a psychiatric setting but it has very good results in other settings and with children