Stardust's Depression Journal

[stardust599]

Wasn't quite sure where to put this but I guess this as good a place as any.

Ever since I can remember I have suffered with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Since Macy was born it has worsened lots and I'm a mess, I don't make an effort for anything anymore, I struggle through the day - feeding, changing and playing with Macy and then collapsing in a heap at every nap until it starts again. Macy is a good baby and I have plenty of time to do things but my poor OH comes home from work to a messy house, has to amuse Macy, do the housework, sort the dog, sort the tea, do the bottles etc. all while I moan that I'm not feeling well or that I need to lie down for a bit.

There's nothing wrong with me except I can't be arsed.

I've been on Citalopram 40mg since shortly after Macy was born which was helping immensely but it gives me terrible insomnia so I had to come off it. I've recently been changed to Sertraline 100mg which doesn't seem to be lifting the big black cloud I'm in and it's causing insomia too. To be honest I don't know if it's the anti-ds causing insomnia because I don't think I slept when I was off them anyway. I've tried Trazadone for sleeping but it doesn't make a difference and my GP won't prescribe anything else.

So every night I go to bed knowing I won't sleep and I toss and turn and then I drag myself out of bed in the morning knackered and exhausted and the cycle starts again.

I also suffer ridiculous obsessive thoughts, if anyone wondered what this is like it's basically where you get the frightening OCD thoughts where if I don't do something I'll make something bad happen. But for some reason I'm lucky enough not to get the compulsions that go with the thoughts. So I might think that I have to lay Macy in a certain way or I will cause cot death and it causes panic attacks etc. but I'm able to control myself and I don't have to repeatedly reposition her etc. like I would do if I had the compulsions as well.

My OH is away for a week from tomorrow with work and I don't know how I'll cope but I've realised that I need to beat this now. I'm going to set myself little goals every day - just simple things like showering, doing the dishes and getting dressed. I'm hoping that little things lead to bigger things and every day I might feel a little bit better. I'm also going to try and set myself bigger goals.

So my goal tonight is to get my bum off B&B, have a nice long relaxing bath, shave and wash my hair, put some fake-tan on and have my hair and make-up nice and make myself eat something. Then OH will be home and I want to spend some time talking to him before we go to bed. Seems easy enough!

And my plan for Monday is

Get up
Look after Macy
Get breakfast
Shower, dry my hair and put make-up on
Give the house a quick tidy
Take Macy and the dog a walk
Spend an hour one-on-one time playing with Macy and have a nice bath with her and then get her to bed
Cook myself something nice to eat

And that's it so far, sorry it seems silly but I just thought putting it in here might help me stick to it as other people can see it.

xxx

 

[calm]

Hi. Sorry to read you are having a bad time with depression. My problem is with anxiety. I am doing therapy with mindfulness, there is a workbook for mindfulness and depression if you would like to give it a go. Remember, those thoughts, feelings ect are not you, they are of an impermanent nature and usually unhelpful and untrue. You can't help what thoughts pop up in your head (don't feel guilty or bad because of that, be kind to yourself) but you can help how much focus you put on them, how much you develop these thoughts, and how much you let them interfere with what you do or don't do. Hugs and take good care XXX

 

[Rhio92]

Will be stalking
Could have written your post myself hun x

 

[Groovychick]

I can empathise with how you feel hun.

But goal setting is an excellent start!