Stay at home mums

[laura109]

Hi ladies. I knew when i was pregnant that i would be at home for a few years. We manage fine off my partners wage. We don't claim
Anything. I actually loved it until recently. My daughter is 20 months now. All of a sudden i feel like the days never end. I literally feel frustrated. I have just an hour a day to myself when she sleeps. Thats a mad rush to get jobs done like the bathroom etc. when she wakes back up i then have another 5 hours till my partners home.

I do enjoy her. But their is only so many times I can walk on my own round the streets. Or watch boring kids programs. We meet my friends twice a week and go to playgroup. But other than that we are lucky if we see anyone. My mum wont ever come to me, even when ive offered to pay her £5 taxi fayre. My parents in general put no effort in to visit us. I always have to walk the half hour to them. My dad still hasn't got a carseat for all the grandkids so he cant give us a lift home. Im not saying he should get one but its hard as a non driver when its raining etc. my sister has children too that would benefit from a seat. They have the money but never seen to want to so much for us.

Thats another reason i am finding things hard. I asked my mum to come up today (id pay) because someone is coming to fix our roof and it would help me if i need to pop outside and stuff. Also just would be nice to have had some company. She said no! All she does is sits at home all day. She offers me no emotional support. Sometimes when im feeling unwell and stuff it hits me how alone i am. Its hit me alot since having my little firl that my mum is different to my friends mums. She wont even give me a hug or praise me.

I can't get a job because my other half works long hours and nursery fees would eat up any money i made. Plus my daughter gets poorly like all toddlers sometimes and id have nobody to have her whilst i worked. I just feel trapped in a world where i am on my own.

I do treausre my time with my daughter I know i am blessed. Just feeling abit useless at the moment. Anyone else understand me x

 

[laura109]

Sorry for typos x

 

[BunnyN]

First off dont feel useless. Too many look down on stay at home mums but I actually think it is an amazing thing to do. You are doing the most important job in the world. That doesnt mean you dont have any need for grown up company and time to yourself though. Feeling the need for those things is normal. Arranging those things can be easier said than done, especially if you dont have a lot of support. Would it be worth to get a carseat for your dad?

Something I enjoy is doing fun things like art projects with the kids. It doesnt replace adult company but it is something fun to do together and is much better than watching TV.

 

[smurff]

Wow I envy you , I'm a stay at home mum but my husband isn't home evenings as he works away and is only home weekends so I literally get 1 night off a week. I'm lucky cause I love being a stay at home mum as I get to share everything with my 2 children and we have an incredible bond and I haven't missed any of thier firsts. The only time I get to myself is when they are asleep at night. Is there no parent toddler groups nearby you could join just to get you out the house for a while, or maybe go swimming or the park.
Theres no need to feel useless your not useless, one of the hardest jobs is being a stay at home mum but it's the most rewarding aswell.

 

[happynewmom1]

I understand how you feel. There are great rewards to staying home but it's so so hard sometimes. I've been a sahm for over 6 years now. My dh has spurts of working 50-60 hour weeks and has had to leave for his job for 3 weeks at a time. I get it. I love my children more than anything but there is something to be said to having some grown up time or time to yourself.

We do have somewhat of a routine now and it helps. We go outside for awhile every day, getting a walk, going to the park, playing in the dirt... Even going to walk around a store. Whatever it takes not to be home for a bit every day. This helps more than you might realize. Of course we have to get up early every morning to walk our oldest to school anyway. When we pick him up, we play outside a little bit and then it's snack and craft time. Then a small amount of TV, (could be longer if I am just too tired), then dinner and then 7pm is bedtime here. For me it's about keeping them busy which in turn keeps me busy. Some days do tend to drag but mostly they are OK. Now that the holidays are coming up there are fun things you can do. If you pinterest toddler holiday craft ideas, there are some fun things you could try together good luck! If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me. I have felt the way you are feeling before but it can be better

 

[catty]

Iv been a SAHM mum for 3.5 years now and have had patches where i have felt like this.
I did work evenings 5 nights a week (5-8pm) for 2 years but i am now on maternity leave. I still classed myself as staying home.
What definately helped me was having something of my own away from the kids. So for me that was work (not exciting but something of my own) and for some people it night be the gym or cinema etc etc try and make sure you get time for yourself away from your child and i honestly find the time together is so much better.

Not sure on your area but here kids can start playgroup at 2. You can leave yhem there for 2 hours, normally at a community centre with nursery workers and its roughly £7 per time. I found this so good and my little ones have both loved it and really helped them socially etc

My daughter is 2.5 and she goes 3 mornings a week 9.45-11.45 and loves it, plus the afternoon flys.

 

[lau86]

I'm not a sahm but I've just gone back after a years maternity leave. I was dreading going back but I'm much happier now I'm back. I do think staying at home is so hard. I agree with having a routine, I find things much more difficult when I don't have plans

 

[shanny]

My saving grace over the years have been my friends - whether they are made via playgroups or similar and SWAPPING children.

Its a way of getting some me time without having to pay. Can you swap with your sister at all? Say one afternoon you have them, then the next week you have them.

As bad as this sounds I am so done with small children I am on my last toddler and I am finding it hard to enjoy it, I know how you feel.

Its the constancy of it

 

[Bella1185]

They say having a kid is strange because every day feels like a year; and every year feels like a day.....


I struggle with this every. single. day. Same with no help. MIL does occasionally pop over; but it's mainly when DH absolutely can't come with me (like to dentist appointment where I'll be there for over an hour). But you HAVE to remember- you are the furthest thing from useless! You are shaping your little ones life - and in hindsight I do believe you will look back, even on the longest days, with at least a chuckle.

It's tough. I feel that my friends who have grandparents helping out don't quite feel this way. In fact; it's the #1 reason I know that I am happily done with just the one kiddo. If I had to stay at home for another three years my mental and emotional health would be truly in jeopardy...thennnn I feel guilty because so many people would do anything to stay at home with their kid. It's a weird spot

But as you already seem to do, it's nice to count blessing for the time with our kiddos and else than that just try VERY hard to keep busy!!! DD and I are out and about a lot - even if just the library or grocery or walking around shops. I've gotten so bored and desperate I took her around to different specialties stores in the area. We went to a piano shop, a cooking store, and a pet store. Bought nothing but she LOVED learning about stuff in real life. Having plans, even the most simple, really do pass the dull times AND enrich your little ones day. Sounds like you're already onto that as you're involved with the mommy groups etc.! (ETA: agree with above - having friends come around and going to their place has also been a huge mood booster!)

FWIW - The age of 16-22 months was flat out the hardest time of all. Despite what people say about "terrible twos"....when DH turned two she was like a new kid! She actually became much easier to handle, thus able to do more with her!

Good luck and a lot of hugs!

 

[laura109]

Thank you so much for your replies. I found the first first 13 months easier than the last 8. When she was under a year she slept alot and her health was great. She still sleeps well but since she stopped having formula at 13 months (not sure if its a coincidence or not) she has been unwell several times. She got her first stomach bug in march which we all got and another in june (which we all got again) weve had 3 horrible colds. I have had a week long virus where i had cold and flu symptoms and it knocked me for six. I went to the drs about 6 weeks ago because i was feeling sickly most weeks and i was given iron tablets for anemia. They made me feel rubbish so i am taking spatone from boots daily which im thinking is helping a little. But yeah... I feel like every month there is a lurgy in our house or im feeling rubbish.

We go to a 2 hour playgroup every tuesday and most days we either walk with our friend and her toddler and dog to the park or we go for a walk alone. My other friend usually comes here once a week for a cuppa too.

I think one of the things i lack in is family support. My in laws unfortunately moved to help his sister with her baby (3 months older than ours) and they naturally have a stronger bond now. Sadly to this day they have never offered to have our dd for the day etc. it does get to me as his sister has gone back to work and her parents do her cleaning and help with childcare. They often get days out or nights out because they have constant help available. My parents will have her on an occasional saturday for a few hours but its usually rare and when we need to do something such as decorating. We have had one afternoon to go out to the cinema since she was born.

I think i will snap out of it again soon. I am looking firward to christmas and i am sure it will be a magical time. I must admit I'm worrying about illness ruining christmas for us and i have got us all on vitamins now.

we are wanting baby number two soon and i think that it will be nice to have more to do again. I do miss having a baby to feed and stuff. I just worry that i will find it hard being at home for several more years and no help.

I will definitely look into toddlercrafts etc. she doesn't really grasp what to do still and gets irritated easily but i will look for ideas. Thank you ladies x

 

[happynewmom1]

Yes she is a little young for most crafts but at her age, I remember giving them spaghetti and cheerios to play with or some water and flour.. Some things make a mess haha there are some cute Christmas things you could help her make with paint and handprints.. I saw a cool picture with a handprint Christmas tree haha if she could play and not put it in her mouth, play dough keeps my kids happy for hours. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time.

 

[MindUtopia]

I think what you're feeling is really, really normal and also that age is a really tough and not always very rewarding age. My daughter is 3.5 now and I would enjoy days at home with her if I had more of them (sadly, I don't have many as I have to work full-time now). When they're babies they sleep loads and are easy to contain and I didn't find it as exhausting, but that young toddler stage is tough. On one hand, you can expect that it will likely get better with time and you'll grow into it and find more things you can do together that aren't ridiculously boring. Being able to drive and get out really does help though. So if you aren't able to drive, now might be the time to learn so you both can have some more freedom. I would go nuts stuck at home all day. I think the only times we weren't out for most of the day where days when my daughter was really sick, like with chicken pox, and had to be isolated from other kids. Otherwise, we are out doing something (free like going to the park, going to the beach, doing the shopping, etc.) for at least 5-6 hours a day.

That said, if you really are feeling like you're going out of your mind just being 100% at home, why not look for a part-time job? I loved being at home with my daughter and I was home full-time for the first year, but went back part-time when she was 12 months. Honestly, it was wonderful! I do have a career that I love and get a lot of satisfaction out of, which helps, but it was so nice just to have some variety to the week. My part-time salary didn't leave much left over after paying for nursery, but I didn't lose any money. And it made me a much better and happier mum. I enjoyed the days we had off together so much more and I felt so much less depressed about everything. We managed fine, even through illnesses. Nurseries will take them if they're sick as long as they don't have a high fever and they aren't vomiting, etc. with a tummy bug. We've had lots of colds, but very few instances when one of us has had to take off work. Plus, if you're in the UK, not sure if you are, so long as you are on a proper contract, you're allowed time off to deal with family sickness. Between my husband and I, even through long stretches of chicken pox and vomiting bugs, we've managed just fine.

My daughter's about to turn 4 now and I'm back to work full-time as I don't have any other choice (personally, I'd rather work part-time, but we just can't afford it in the long-term), but those couple years of part-time work and part-time at home were wonderful and fulfilling. So there are always options out there if you want to do something different.

 

[BunnyN]

'Crafts' at that age is more about making a mess, lol. I buckle DS in his high chair, cover the tray with a plastic bag and let him loose with something like finger paints or glitter and glue. Its all a grand science project yo him and he loves it! Flour and water is a good idea too. I have a bath run ready for him to go straight in when he is done.

Do your inlaws live close? Could you ask them to babysit one evening so you could go out with OH or something? Maybe they dont want to interfere too much but would be pleased to be asked?

 

[felix555]

I was a SAHM until my son was two. From when he was about 18 months I really started to dislike it. The days all stayed the same .... We lived in London and went to every museum and child friendly to do, loads of play groups, toddler art, toddler yoga, toddler tumbles or whatever and all my days felt the same I needed to work again. I then started my own business (previously worked at a corporate bank) and I'm happier than I've ever been. My son goes to nursery from 8-1:30 every day.

I went from loving being a SAHM to really hating it towards the end. I felt my son deserved more than I could give him and I think I was right, he is thriving at nursery.

 

[Swiftintent]

I'm a SAHM and my husband works out of state for weeks at a time. I'm living in a place where I have no family and don't really know anyone so it's mainly me and my 3 kiddos ages 10,7 and 4 . I try to find things to keep me busy. It's not easy at all I get it but keep your head up. Have you thought about maybe buying a car seat for your parents to put in their car?