Stepson and a new baby. Advice please :)

[Wombat]

Hi ladies.


The overview of the situation. My OH has a son from a previous relationship. The divorce was very messy.
Mother created as much trouble for him seeing his son as possible. Canceling visitations, not allowing my OH to take his son to stay with us, demanding money to let him see each other.

She lives in another country, so the routine now is that my OH goes there every 5 weeks for a week and takes my stepson to his parents where they spend some time together. During the last 3 years, he actually took him to stay with us 4 or 5 times (on his school holidays and once we went on a family vacation abroad altogether).

My stepson and my sons when together have a lot of fun. They really are like brothers and are close in age. SS likes me and I am good with him.

Now in 3 weeks time we are having a new baby. My OH still haven't told his ex about it nor his son (she JUST started to be reasonable with letting my OH see his son and not create any problems). We thought, that if she gets to know about it, he will again completely loose it and will stop my OH from seeing his son again.

Now then, his son has school holidays 4 weeks after baby is born. His EX is finally reasonable enough for letting SS spend his holidays with us.

Thing is: my OH is against it and thinks he should go there and spend 1 on 1 time with his son as he usually does, and I think that my SS should actually come here and spend time with us and a new baby - his sister.

The reasons my OH says he doesn't want to bring his son here, is not to make him upset that daddy has a new baby here and how nice it is here, so when he comes back to his mother, he doesn't get depressed that now his daddy has a new baby and it would mean in a child eyes less time for him.

I, on the other hand, think that for my SS it would be good to spend time with us. To feel involved and getting to know us too more.

What do you think? What would be better for my SS? Come stay with us or of my OH to go there as usually? And, my stepson is 8.

Thank you for our replies.

 

[Lollipopbop]

I think it would be positive for your SS to spend time with all of you. Maybe your husband can split the time so they still have one on one time too x

 

[Jessicahide]

I think the plan your oh has would be damaging to ss, and the relationship you have all forged, i think you are right he should come to you..

 

[Amygdala]

I'd be much more worried that he hasn't told his son or ex about the baby yet! At 8 years old, his son is going to wonder why he wasn't told sooner, not to mention how his ex might spin it if she's looking to make stepson's daddy look bad. So I would make sure he tells both of them as soon as possible. As in, today!
I then think it'd be good for stepson to come stay with you, especially as his mum might have mentioned that already and if he doesn't get to come, he might think it's because of the new baby. But I'd try very hard to make him feel welcome and involved, seeing as he had so little time to get his head around the thought of a new sibling.
Best of luck with it all!

 

[Wombat]

Thank you for your replies, girls.

As a mum, my absolute gut feeling is he should come here.

As for not telling my SS and his mum about my pregnancy it was a joint decision... It is bad of us not to tell my SS about the new baby, but consequences of telling before he and OH are out of his mum's house could be worse. His mum can be unstable at the best of times (for example, was my OH visitation, only to arrive there, no one there, his ex not answering the phone, to be told a few hours later that she has taken SS out of the town on that (his!) weekend. Also, when all the tickets were booked for him to come stay with us, she refuses to give his passport for travelling until she gets paid 1500 euros - which we had to pay at the time)... So, a lot of stuff like that.
Also.... Call me silly, but if I could, that woman would never get to know about me being pregnant and having a baby. She is the person, who ill wishes people... And I don't ever want anyone to ill wish my baby...

 

[Jessicahide]

I understand that but, not meaning to sound abrupt, you are playing into her hands, and no amount of bad wishes are going to do anything. Someone needs to be the grown up here and ss is going to be very hurt by all this mess.


Can i just add, i have been that kid who had a secret sibling, i didn't find out until he was 7 and i really have little respect for my mum and dad for keeping it from me!

 

[hunni12]

See the insecure part of me would wonder if he is still messing with his ex during those 1 on 1 visits...but don't listen to me on that lol. Just because now he is going against the wishes of what you want. Plus I would not be comfortable with my pregnancy being hidden no ill wishes could change the outcome if something was going to happen.

I do think your ss should be able to come and meet his new baby sister. My dad had a new child who is 4 that I have never gotten meet before at all. So put yourself in his shoes.

As for the situation with the ex, someone needs to put their foot down. Take her ass to court! Your OH can put himself on child support, and she would have to let him see him. Or...file for joint custody she would have a tough time explaining to a judge why she is ignoring his ruling for visits. If his name is on the birth certificate then he has equal rights to his child

 

[Moom7900]

I understand not wanting to give a bitter ex ammunition to cause trouble. Unfortunately our situation with my husband's ex is so bad that we no longer see the 2 sons they share. We saw them regularly for almost 4 years, she lost the plot when we had our daughter and would sneer at me and my baby in public and told her sons their Dad wouldn't want them now he had a new baby. Things got so bad that she cut all contact (despite a court order) and told blatant lies to social services saying my husband had been abusive and that I have severe mental health problems that her kids shouldn't be around. She has completely poisoned his sons against us and got them also to lie to social services - which social services picked up on and also saw a solicitor's letter sent by her telling lies about social services themselves. She has caused chaos in our family and for my children, so we have had to back off and respect what she has convinced them is their wishes until they are older.
Now we are having another baby that they won't know. Already after discovering I am pregnant she has approached MY ex-husband's sister who she doesn't know at all and bitched about me and suggested I got pregnant to copy her.
The whole situation is wrong and toxic, but you can't reason with an unreasonable person.
Regarding your situation, Wombat, I think it's right that your SS should come to you all and be part of your family and form a relationship with his sister. He is part of a bigger family and it will be damaging to him and your new baby if your OH continues to disappear every few weeks to have separate time with his other child. It will be confusing and unhealthy for all involved.
I wish you luck, but am cynical regarding court orders. Judges rarely give poorly behaving mothers more than a ticking off, and let them get away with murder in my experience.
I wish you luck in your situation and with the birth of your daughter xxxxxxx

 

[princessellie]

I would say it definitely all needs to be out in the open, sooner rather than later, and agree with you that your stepson should come to you to show him that he is very welcome in his dad's "new" family x

 

[Wombat]

Thank you for your replies, girls.

I mentioned once again to my OH that SS should come here on his school holidays 3 weeks after baby is born.

We will not tell his ex anything until he actually has his son with him. As Moom7900 said, she can completely loose it and we won't see SS at all.

As for the court order.... A 5 figure sum, lost house and my OH moving on with me just with suitcase later, they DO have a joint custody, BUT, if she takes SS physically away, threatens not to let my OH see his son, doesn't release the passport... NO court EVER can do anything. Imagine the situation: my OH goes to pick SS up, she says no. Does he call the police and takes a child with force? No... It would be even worse for the child.

At the moment, relationship with his ex is as normal as it can get. She is more or less reasonable and allows him to see his SS on a regular basis.
I just hope that the news about the new baby won't make her loose it all again.

But, yes. I definitely think SS should spend as much time as possible with us. Especially since he will have a sister now.

 

[Wombat]

Moom7900. Thank you for your reply. Looks like you have a similar situation.

It's hard to deal with a crazy ex, who puts her own interests first, and not get own son's.

It's damaging to everyone involved in a family....

Big hugs!!!

 

[Moom7900]

Moom7900. Thank you for your reply. Looks like you have a similar situation.

It's hard to deal with a crazy ex, who puts her own interests first, and not get own son's.

It's damaging to everyone involved in a family....

Big hugs!!!

Thanks, Wombat, it's a very poisonous situation. I never thought it would come to the point where this would be the only way, but she's just too unstable and seems to have no limit to what she would do to get her own way. I think she deludes herself that what she wants is best for them, but is willing to screw them up to get what she wants. It's a stark contrast to the situation we have with my ex, who has regular contact and overnight stays with my two eldest, which we sort out flexibly between us all, we sort maintenance payments between us, and things are civil between all of us. He even attended mine and my husband's daughter's Christening with his sister. We're never going to try to be best friends but we're all grown up enough to do what's right for the kids first, rather than playing silly games.
I just wish my husband's ex was a half-reasonable person, but she is very much a game player, as is her controlling mother and her toxic husband.
I hope you have a much easier time than me, hopefully your problems with the ex are over. Many people do end up with a better situation once they have both moved on xxxxxxx

 

[MindUtopia]

I think you need to give your OH and his son some time together so that he can talk to him about the fact he has a new stepsibling and he can adjust to that idea, before you bring him into a situation where he is confronted with it and everything is all about the new baby (which it inevitably will be with a 3 week old). I understand your decision to not tell him up to this point, but I think you need to before he comes to stay with you and give him time to be comfortable with the change, and then perhaps let him choose what he wants to do, whether he wants some one on one time with his dad (which I can see why he would) or whether he wants to come meet his sibling. It might be a matter of them spending time together alone that first time so he can reassure him of their relationship and make sure he's ready to come join the whole family together. Depending on what kind of kid he is, he might be excited to come see his new step sister, but it might be a shock and he might be upset about it at first. I wouldn't expect him to want to be all together right away in that case. I think I personally would make my OH to spend time with him alone when he first tells him and also to let his ex know so it's not a surprise to her either (she'll find out after that visit anyway, better to be honest and upfront about it). And then I'd plan the next visit to be to come visit you and I would make sure he knows that invitation is open, so he can prepare for it. I don't think that's the sort of thing I'd want to spring on an 8 year old and I think it could cause some issues in your relationships with him if he doesn't take it well, though I can understand your reservations because of the custody issues.

 

[ajarvis]

IMO your stepson should be coming to stay with you. You're all family. I never understand crazy mean women that withhold children from their fathers.

 

[SleepyBaby]

Id tell the ex and the stepson your going to have a baby asap.

When the ss goes home and tells mom about the baby, she might go ape and start refusing visits again due to lack of honesty or something else ( i dunno but crazy ex's are good at twisting stuff)

The 8 year old could be very affected by it, why doesnt dad want to include me in his family? why does everyone know about the new baby but not me? Ect, its better to answer the questions before he thinks of them himself.

If you include him in it he will not be thinking dad will have no time for him, As long as his dad makes time for him that wont become an issue.

I was that 8 year old with dad having new kids, i never thought about dad not having time for me, as long as we had the time to sit and read a book or play a board game and it wasnt all baby focused i was happy, when he took an hour just to be with me without bringing baby up i knew i was still important!

The holidays id say 1/2 and 1/2, half the time daddy and son and half the time family time, it would let him see dad still has time for him and then it will show him even if they are not alone hes still apart of the family, show him the best of both worlds?