Hi:
I had a similar experience. I wanted an all natural birth and instead got the cascade of interventions. I very narrowly avoided a c-section and ended up with forceps. For months afterwards I was out of my mind, crying frequently, very upset. I had frequent invasive memories of what happened. I lost a lot of sleep.
Then, one day, I decided, f*ck it, I have the right to be upset. I thought about why i was upset and realized, and accepted, that it was because i had been badly abused. I was treated like garbage for refusing an unnecessary c-section, which they wanted me to have because they were tired of waiting. I was forced to go TWO DAYS without food. I cried and begged for food - literally begged as i was STARVING - and no one helped me. All because they wanted to avoid exposure to liability in the highly unlikely event that i required a general AND asphyxiated. I was told for 8 hours that my body couldn't do it, that i would never dilate to 10, that "sometimes nature just needs a little help", in an effort to get me to agree to the c-section. Then, when i finally dilated to 10, I was told that i didn't have the energy to push the baby out because of how long they had forced me to go without food. I was forced to labour on my back with my knees pinned to my chest, and had a nurse imply that i was a bad mother for refusing to follow her orders (everything she "suggested" was best for baby, and if i didn't follow her orders she'd ask "why don't you want what's best for your baby?" and look at me like i was some kind of monster). I was lied to and told that there were NO risks to a c-section. It was a truly awful experience.
You also had an awful experience. Maybe you were treated poorly. Maybe you were coerced into medical interventions that were "recommended" because it was what was best and easiest for medical/hospital staff. Maybe deep down you know that what they did was wrong, and your spirit is calling out to you, begging for you to acknowledge that.
Once i acknowledged the wrongs i started to take action. I wrote letters to everyone who i felt had wronged me and sent them. I didn't hold back. I thought "why should i protect the feelings of people who treated me so poorly. why should i respect people who clearly have no respect for me?"
I am so glad i sent those letters. I started writing the letters in September 2012, and set the last one in April 2013. I was TTC for a while, and conceived finally after receiving the last reply.
I think you need to let it out. Be honest about how you really feel about what happened. Don't try to suppress it. Allow yourself to fully feel what happened, write it all down, even if just for yourself.
If you don't acknowledge it and allow yourself to acknowldge what happened you may never be able to heal.
I know it's so hard. It's such bullshit how badly women in labour are treated. It's a travesty of justice that hospitals can freely and without any accountability abuse and batter women in labour. It's a testament to how far we still have to go as a society.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you the best moving forward and healing.
and to be honest even though it was not the birth I wanted and it did have a few complications it wasn't the end of the world. so why I feel so upset when I think about it??
