stemalia20
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- Dec 6, 2016
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June 19th 2016 i found out i was pregnant. 2 prior miscarriages. Bare with me please...
When i first found out i was pregnant for the 3rd time i was scared but happy. this journey started in Portland Oregon. After 2 miscarriages I was hoping my doctor would be more thorough and more ultrasounds, i received one ultrasound july 16th, my only US. (11 weeks pregnant). She said all was well.
I moved to Seattle Washington for more support from my family Early september 2016. MY first ultrasound appointment with seattle went well, she was moving and dancing having fun. Then they found a heart defect dealing with her aorta and i was sent to a high risk hospital. There i was brought in circles, thus being here i was also told that there was a marker in her heart. A marker can be anywhere in an unborn child. The marker means down syndrome. being told i need to abort her i was started to panic and stress. After the circle run around i find out that she was perfectly healthy, that nothing was ever wrong with her in the first place. At this point I was 24 weeks pregnant. I was working, exercising, eating healthy all the good stuff. Had checkups and she was still doing great. 26th week ultrasound everything was still perfect, she was perfect and beautiful.
At 29 weeks and 1 day, day before Thanksgiving Day, November 23, 2016, I woke up around 5:30am and she was playing with me. kicking, tumbling, looking for where i had stuck my hand next. for about an hour. Then i decided i should prob finally use the bathroom. I got up out of bed and immediately went to the floor. the pains were excruciating. i started puking and the pains worsened and my stomach stiffened even more. I got to the point that i couldn't speak or move. I managed to crawl to my brothers bedroom door and banged once. at this point i was going unconscious. Him and his fiance took me to the emergency room where i started to become lifeless.. This is where I learned that her heart stopped. That i had to go into surgery immediately due to blood clotting and severe internal bleeding. After the surgery and the doctors woke me, they said there was nothing that they could do and my daughter (Rowyn Kaye) had passed away. The placenta detached and caused me to loose 3 1/2 pints of blood. This is extremely rare and the doctors didnt know what to say. the one main start of a stillborn/miscarriage of signs is spotting, I had nothing. No signs, not even a temperature. I was one of the 1% chance of having this kind of miscarriage. So quick, sudden and nothingthat could have fixed this or been found before. I was in the hospital for almost 4 days having iron bags pumped into me to try to raise my blood count. it was docked at 18 of 36. severely low that they had a blood transfusion on the list. Those 4 days i spent with my silently born daughter. Holding her, kissing her and falling sleep with her. All the while of constantly being asked my pain levels and how im doing, social workers coming in and out and the chaplain for the blessing prayer. They also had a professional photographer come in and i didnt even know what to do, i was just in tears and didn't want to be in the photos. Leaving the hospital without her has been the biggest shock of all and having to go to a funeral services, talking about her cremation, memorial services, funeral services, or being asked if i wanted to see her one last time. Its been 12 days since she has passed, 8 days since ive been out of the hospital. This time ive gotten alot of people supporting and in some ways i cant process. Like telling me they prayed and God spoke to them about my daughter, or them telling me they lost a child and went to their grave and told them too look after my daughter, telling me i can have another one...etc.
How do i grieve? I am just angry right now. At everyone, the world, life, my life. Some of my family is talking about me working already, school, living situation and its all too hard to comprehend and i find myself more crying over that of what i need and should start doing than i have been grieving about my daughter. How do can I tell them that its too much when they think otherwise, for them to understand? I feel like they see me smile once or laugh, that i am ok now. When deep down i just want to run til i cant feel my lungs anymore. That it hasnt even sunk in that shes fully gone, I know im going to break one day, and im not sure how bad it will be. But to have my family understand that this isnt easy and me trying to think of anything else is too much. I need time, but theres a time limit im at with them. they have all been supportive and i love and the thank them for that. I just cant comprehend anything but her.
Idk what to feel, think, or do. i feel like who ever i was died with her that day and dont know how to come back.
When i first found out i was pregnant for the 3rd time i was scared but happy. this journey started in Portland Oregon. After 2 miscarriages I was hoping my doctor would be more thorough and more ultrasounds, i received one ultrasound july 16th, my only US. (11 weeks pregnant). She said all was well.
I moved to Seattle Washington for more support from my family Early september 2016. MY first ultrasound appointment with seattle went well, she was moving and dancing having fun. Then they found a heart defect dealing with her aorta and i was sent to a high risk hospital. There i was brought in circles, thus being here i was also told that there was a marker in her heart. A marker can be anywhere in an unborn child. The marker means down syndrome. being told i need to abort her i was started to panic and stress. After the circle run around i find out that she was perfectly healthy, that nothing was ever wrong with her in the first place. At this point I was 24 weeks pregnant. I was working, exercising, eating healthy all the good stuff. Had checkups and she was still doing great. 26th week ultrasound everything was still perfect, she was perfect and beautiful.
At 29 weeks and 1 day, day before Thanksgiving Day, November 23, 2016, I woke up around 5:30am and she was playing with me. kicking, tumbling, looking for where i had stuck my hand next. for about an hour. Then i decided i should prob finally use the bathroom. I got up out of bed and immediately went to the floor. the pains were excruciating. i started puking and the pains worsened and my stomach stiffened even more. I got to the point that i couldn't speak or move. I managed to crawl to my brothers bedroom door and banged once. at this point i was going unconscious. Him and his fiance took me to the emergency room where i started to become lifeless.. This is where I learned that her heart stopped. That i had to go into surgery immediately due to blood clotting and severe internal bleeding. After the surgery and the doctors woke me, they said there was nothing that they could do and my daughter (Rowyn Kaye) had passed away. The placenta detached and caused me to loose 3 1/2 pints of blood. This is extremely rare and the doctors didnt know what to say. the one main start of a stillborn/miscarriage of signs is spotting, I had nothing. No signs, not even a temperature. I was one of the 1% chance of having this kind of miscarriage. So quick, sudden and nothingthat could have fixed this or been found before. I was in the hospital for almost 4 days having iron bags pumped into me to try to raise my blood count. it was docked at 18 of 36. severely low that they had a blood transfusion on the list. Those 4 days i spent with my silently born daughter. Holding her, kissing her and falling sleep with her. All the while of constantly being asked my pain levels and how im doing, social workers coming in and out and the chaplain for the blessing prayer. They also had a professional photographer come in and i didnt even know what to do, i was just in tears and didn't want to be in the photos. Leaving the hospital without her has been the biggest shock of all and having to go to a funeral services, talking about her cremation, memorial services, funeral services, or being asked if i wanted to see her one last time. Its been 12 days since she has passed, 8 days since ive been out of the hospital. This time ive gotten alot of people supporting and in some ways i cant process. Like telling me they prayed and God spoke to them about my daughter, or them telling me they lost a child and went to their grave and told them too look after my daughter, telling me i can have another one...etc.
How do i grieve? I am just angry right now. At everyone, the world, life, my life. Some of my family is talking about me working already, school, living situation and its all too hard to comprehend and i find myself more crying over that of what i need and should start doing than i have been grieving about my daughter. How do can I tell them that its too much when they think otherwise, for them to understand? I feel like they see me smile once or laugh, that i am ok now. When deep down i just want to run til i cant feel my lungs anymore. That it hasnt even sunk in that shes fully gone, I know im going to break one day, and im not sure how bad it will be. But to have my family understand that this isnt easy and me trying to think of anything else is too much. I need time, but theres a time limit im at with them. they have all been supportive and i love and the thank them for that. I just cant comprehend anything but her.
Idk what to feel, think, or do. i feel like who ever i was died with her that day and dont know how to come back.
