stressed rant

[Kristalebear1]

Well it seems as if Isobel's dad and I simply put are not going to work after knowing each other since we were small.children, and being together quite a few years now. I cant handle it. He quit his job which as left us scraping together scraps til he finds a new one, he quit for no reason with no back up. He is constantly snapping at my mentally disabled brother, always throws stuff in peoples faces now, and then doesn't understand why on earth I'm stressed and upset.

He used to be such a good man, patient, sweet, caring... And then shortly before Isobel's birth he got in contact with his older brother (who is an alcoholic drug addict that has an obsession for sex and treats women like trash) that's when he changed. He went over to his place and came home drunk (he has done this once since Isobel was born as well) now all of a sudden it seems like he wants to go party, drink, do whatever, go to clubs.. He quit his job, and now we are here. I'm stressed and over it.

My question in this rant is, if this were you would you get a job and move out asap, pump at work, and get a sitter. Or wait until baby is 6-7 months old (she's 3 months now) then get a job and replace two feeds with baby food, move out, and get a sitter???

Pumping at work is fine but id feel weird, and don't want to seem like a burden. Things are civil at the moment, and I'm trying to hang on but I think perhaps space and time may be the best option. I'd like to have a back up plan if it doesn't work.

 

[louisiana]

Do you have any family nearby who could help?
Will he talk to you about any of it?
I think the fact you know you have to move at some point makes it clear to me it should be now

 

[tulip1975]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully with some time and distance, your OH will realize how important you and Isobel are and will start being a positive presence in your lives.

Pumping at work depends a lot on the type of work environment. My work has many small interior conference rooms, which makes it easier. It's not the most fun I have ever had, but it's fine.

 

[MindUtopia]

Have you really had a good sit down talk with him, talked about what the things are that you can't handle and what you're thinking about?

My husband and I went through some really rough times when our daughter was about 6-12 months. It was basically over his expectation that he could go have fun and do whatever and not have to be responsible because he just always assumed I'd be there to take care of everything when he wanted to blow off some steam. I should add that this literally happened maybe a handful of times (maybe like 5 at most) in the first year of her life, just that we would go to a family event or Christmas or whatever, and he would expect he could go out with his brother/cousins or friends and get drunk and assume I'd put our daughter to bed, go sit in a family member's house alone while everyone else went out to dinner and a night out while I put our daughter to bed and that was just normal and acceptable. Going out on occasion, with advanced planning, and both equally being able to take time to see friends is fine. But for me, getting wasted to the point where I was tending to him being sick everywhere and stepping over piles of vomit while I tried to make our screaming daughter a bottle at 3am while he passed out somewhere was NOT fine.

It literally only happened a few times (and my husband is generally a responsible, wonderful person). But it was indicative of a bigger problem that I was dealing with in that he thought I would just take care of everything if he couldn't. He'd stay late to finish up a work project and just assume I'd pick our daughter up and make dinner without asking. He'd assume if he had too much to drink that I'd be the one getting up at 6am with our daughter and entertaining his friends who were staying with us while he slept it off. Etc. It wasn't like he was ever mean or outwardly uncaring and we have a really solid relationship generally. He just honestly didn't realise that he wasn't pulling his weight and it was easier just to have fun and not think about it. We had two really serious discussions about it, in both I told him that I honestly didn't want to be married if I was going to be the one carrying all the burden of everything (like doing the cleaning, doing the school run, doing all the meals, doing all the food shopping, while also working, including commuting 2 hours each way part of the week, and doing a PhD - I'm not a housewife!). He needed to get his act together. Start contributing more to doing everything else, not just working. We both work, so none of the other stuff ought to be anymore anyone's responsibility than the other. It was a really serious talk. We love each other and we enjoy being together and don't want to not be together, but we had to really work through those issues so we both were getting what we needed (and sometimes I do still have to remind him!). But it helped a lot and it's much better now. So yes, definitely talk about it, do it very seriously, take time to go out and take a walk and let your daughter stay with grandma for a couple hours or whoever if you need to.

But purely from a self-preservation perspective, I think you have to be really realistic about survival if he isn't going to get a job. If he chose to quit his job, he doesn't get to complain about how he needs more time to look for one or no one is hiring him or whatever. If you can move in with family for a few months to take the pressure off having to rush back to work, and let him figure out his own work stuff, while leaving the door open to move back in together when he is financially stable again (without necessarily breaking up), I might consider that. It's not okay or responsible to just quit your job and expect others to take care of you. You might need to let him flounder out there on his own again without your help to light the fire under him to get it together.