Stressful Transition to Playgroup/Nursery. Any advice welcome!

[Demotivated]

Hi all

My lil boy turned 2 a couple of days ago and we have started him with a home based playgroup from 2nd of this month, which is for 2 hours X 4 days/week. The idea is just to go there, play, interact with other kids, and come back

We expected a lot of tears, howling etc when we started and it did happen..but past couple of days he seems to have settled down. Although he says NO to go there, but been OK since Thursday.

On Friday, the nursery organised an outdoor event, where parents can come and watch children perform. We dropped my son to the park and he was OK on seeing his caretaker there. but during performance times (singing,dancing), he spotted me and started crying. The staff told me to hide and i did, but he cried more and more on not finding his mommy

since then, he has become extremely clingy. Yesterday i took him to a couple of birthday parties and he refused to get down or play without me in picture. He HAD to see me and have me around. He did not let anyone except me push his stroller or hold him (not even dad)

I felt so bad for him ..i thought he had settled in the nursery, but did I take it too far by sending to the outdoor event (not in the nursery, but a new place)? By when do kids actually settle down? We have another party invitation for 26th and i am thinking to skip it, by my DH says it will be good for him to interact with other kids

 

[k4th]

My ds can also be anxious & it's hard to know what to do for the best sometimes.

My dd was super confident though - it wasn't until 3 that she understood about parents coming in to watch at nursery. She would get upset if she couldn't sit with us etc - I think this is a difficult thing for a child to understand... particularly one who has just started at a setting.

Keep reassuring him & let him go to the parties, but be prepared to sit/stay with him. He will interact - once he feels confident you aren't a going to vanish.

As for settling in, it can take a while. Again, my dd was confident & settled fast at nursery. Ds is less keen & we've had more ups and downs with him. Sometimes he does really well & other days he struggles with drop off - and we're 6 months in. Give it a bit more time - does he have a comforter with him at playgroup? That could help him settle?

 

[Berri]

I think her reaction sounds totally fine. I don't really understand the performance part of it but I do know that some kids are just a bit more reserved.

My oldest would have done the same thing if he saw me at Creche and then I disappeared. We've been to many a party/outing where I've felt he missed out on having fun because he was stuck to my side. But he was happy doing just that!

They are often very different when parents (especially mums) are around. DS1 would tell me he sat on his own all day at kinder (preschool) but more than once some mums there helping out told me how great he was at getting all the kids involved in a game or how he never sits still!

My advice is to keep taking him to nursery and parties - don't pressure him to leave you. Let him go at his pace and he will.

 

[pa2k84]

You have fine nothing wrong, preschool should have let your son come to you if upset getting you to hide when he had already seen you is quite bad really. He is only just 2 of course he wants to be with you over anyone else, no matter how settled he is will still want you when he sees you

 

[JumpingIn]

Yeah if he's seen you and he's upset it's time to go to him. If they'd told me to hide I'd have told them to get lost. Probably the weirdness of that situation was a bit disturbing but I doubt it'll be anything more than a temporary issue. My son has been going to nursery for months now and he still has off days where he doesn't want to go or gets upset

 

[Demotivated]

Thanks ladies.. I have spoken to the nursery, but they say that things like these will make them confident.. Even if they are only 2... Not really buying that logic, but he was his usual self going to Nursery today.. I have decided to go ahead to the bday party later this week and be okay with whatever does there

what irritates me most is How other mothers get judgemental.. Why is he so cranky, why is he so clingy..arrrghhh

 

[MindUtopia]

I think you're expecting too much too soon and I also think that their suggestion to hide (!) because he saw you and got upset is really odd and inappropriate. They need time to settle in to any new setting. We did a month of settling in (with me staying with her while she played) and then it still took another 2 months before our drop offs were without any tears and she was happy and settled and sleeping well while she was there, so 3 months in total to fully adjust. It takes time, especially if it's only a couple hours here and there.

Also, it is completely normal and healthy for kids to get upset when they see you at a performance or event at that age. I've never been to one at my daughter's nursery (she's been there for 3 years now) when there weren't at least a few kids who would otherwise be really happy and confident who sobbed when they saw their parents and had to go sit with them instead of singing or whatever. That is totally fine and normal and it will happen to every kid at some point, even if they are well settled in and have been there for years. I am actually shocked that they prioritised the performance and not causing a stir over comforting your LO and meeting his needs first. The appropriate response would have been to encourage him to come sit with you and watch and join in with the singing from your lap. That actually would make me uncomfortable to be honest, and I wouldn't be happy about that. Maybe they felt like you didn't want him to come to you or didn't want to discourage you and make you feel he is unhappy there, but I would keep my eye out for any other instances of this sort of thing in the future. They should be making him feel comfortable and safe and happy while he's there, and that won't happen right away. I would keep going, but stay with him and give him some time to adjust if you think he needs it. It's also really normal for them to be clingy with you at home or other times when they first start in a new setting. It will ease once he adjusts, but just go with it and let him be close to you as much as he needs to be til he's ready. Responsiveness breeds independence and confidence rather than the opposite in the long term.