Struggling in the home.

[KDmomof3]

I am not sure where to post this, but maybe others can relate? I found this website because our pregnancy (#5 but baby #4 we had a MC in 2010) was unplanned. I needed to find a place I could talk about things, because for the time being my husband is almost pretending I'm not pregnant. If we do discuss it, it causes arguments. He feels we can't afford it, we already have 3 and our youngest still nurses all night and we never get alone time as our son refuses to sleep in his bed. Our daughters are fussy kids and fight and complain about things kids do.

I'm totally scared, alone, emotional, can't stop crying today. I'm so afraid our marriage will fall apart. My kids don't deserve a broken home.

Anyone else happy about their baby, but fighting to keep the joy in the home?

 

[maryanne1987]

Hugs Hun. I know how tough it is. Myself and my partner had been trying for a baby for 7 years. Multiple losses so when I fell pregnant with this child my oh totally freaked out. He didn't act pleased, he refused to talk about baby. The relationship totally fell apart in a few weeks and we ended up splitting up. Over a few weeks we managed to piece things back together and then we went for our 11 week scan and he just fell in love with baby and now it's just like nothing ever happened. Turns out he was just frightened and afraid of another loss and how to deal with it. Men can be strange creatures sometimes. Do you have anyone who could baby sit for you. Give you some alone time? Plus I'm sure once he sees baby on scans his feelings will change. Sometimes men just need that visual proof to accept things.

 

[Penguin20]

I'm not going through this myself but wanted to say hope your ok and I hope things work itself out soon

 

[KDmomof3]

Thank you both, i really appreciate it. I really hope he can come to terms and begin to feel excited and happy soon. Men are such strange creatures. They think we are so difficult to understand. I beg to differ.

 

[KatieMK]

Hi there!

I wanted to say I thought about your post a lot last night. I'm still TTC, but sometimes I sneak over here to get an idea of "coming attractions". I don't know if my thoughts are welcome, but I thought I'd throw them in there anyways. Maybe they'll help...

It sounds like you and your OH have a lot going on besides expecting a baby. There's not a lot of detail in your first post, but I imagined last night while thinking about your situation that your husband might feel: financially overwhelmed, lonely, disconnected from you, lost. I don't know how you structure your finances (in my relationship, I generally run the finances AND I'm the breadwinner), but if you rely on him to manage the money in general, it might help to sit down and have him talk through his concerns. To share the burden, so to speak. Then you can help him come up with solutions. I'm not sure if you work or not (two working parents with four kids... would be SO HARD I imagine!). If you don't, maybe he wants to discuss you doing that but doesn't know how.

One of the things I most admire in friends of mine who have children is their commitment to remaining a close couple, and fostering their individual passions. They go on dates, they take turns having "mom" and "dad" night, so the other parent can take a class, or go out for dinner with friends, or play a sport. My DH and I have had many discussions about this, and we both feel that the NEEDS of the children are a priority, but the PREFERENCES of the children are not. At the end of the day, we believe our relationship is more important, because it provides the environment in which we want to raise our children. So, the needs of our relationship, as defined by the two of us, would (in theory!) outweigh the preferences of the children. Those needs would vary from couple to couple, but for us, we plan on having a child-free bed. As much as possible. It could be that your OH NEEDS a child-free bed as well.

Just something to think about! Kids are rough, and it sounds like you really want your relationship to grow and adapt along with your family. It sounds like some serious conversations about some heavy stuff might be really helpful, and some solution brainstorming. The good news though, is it doesn't sound like he doesn't want another baby, really, it sounds like he wants more money, more time with you, and more help? But hey, don't we all!

 

[KDmomof3]

KatieMK you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Those are his issues almost to a T. I actually do work full time right now. It has been a rough year as i this is the first out of home job I've had full time since becoming a mother. I miss my kids so much during the day, my work load is double, and most of my paycheck goes to childcare. It's painful and i hate it. But my husband still see's the value in the $800 a month i do make for us. But when the new addition arrives that will be non existent.

We had some tough conversation yesterday. He had a scope done that morning for his chronic heartburn and was put to sleep on versed and was still dopey from it. But some how we got into deep discussion and he said that we had too many kids and its ruined our marriage. It was some tough stuff. Now we have talked through things, and hes on the whole "We just have to keep trying to make it better, it will be ok." But I'm just hurt and stuck on the fact that we are even here in the first place. I don't like knowing we need to fix things. I love him so much. I don't know how to handle all of it.

Thank you for your insight, it was very helpful and caring.

 

[bunnyhop]

Thinking of you too, this is our 4th & 5th babies, we planned 1 but got two which changes many many things in our lives number #5. If im honest im trying not to think of the finances and just look at them as a blessing. Your DH will come around, please don't try to hide your joy, if you cannot show it in front of him just yet share it will us.

Always at the end of a PM if you want a chat x

 

[KDmomof3]

Thank you bunnyhop thats so sweet. I may have to take you up on that. Today is my husband and I's 7 year anniversary marking the day we became an official couple. We were married just 3 short months later haha. But still, seems like a special day, and I hope i can get my emotions under control so i wont ruin it!

 

[Dark_Star]

You should take a look at the pregnancy after a loss forums on this site. I am currently pregnant after 2 miscarriages and no successful pregnancies. Perhaps your loss is part of his worries?

My fingers are crossed for you, I know it is hard. We weren't expecting twins so it has been a struggle for us as well.

 

[cinnamum]

hi there. i am pregnant with baby 5 this is my tenth pregnancy, all of our children were planned and all have a 19-23 month age gap. i read the book 'the baby whisperer' by tracy hogg and then followed that read with her second book: 'the toddler whisperer' and we've not had any problems with any of our children sleeping through the night and bed swapping etc since. i can highly recommend those books, they've saved my sanity and our marriage. we're stronger than ever. best of luck to you and H&H 9 months xxxxxx

 

[2have4kids]

Hey ladies, I loved reading through all of the suggestions- so much compassion & wisdom. Just a question for you KD, would you ever think about staying home and taking care of just 1 more child? You get to be a stay at home mom while bringing in $800/month? It would be really hard as that's a lot of kids nip it when I worked at a daycare in my early 20's we were in charge of 5-6 kids at all times. Given they were mostly around the same ages which helps with scheduling and activities but if you got really organized and even took a few courses (you'd need first aid/CPR and potentially an early development course) it could set up your framework for this type of home income.
I wish you the best, you have my dream family and while you and your partner probably don't feel so lucky right now, if you can figure out ways to support each other's needs you'll make it through and will be high fiving each other when they're all moved out and coming home for lovely Sunday dinners.