Suicidal little sister thinks she's gay!!!

[Gabrielle22]

I am at a loss right now.

My sister is 15. She has been in this deep depression since she was 12.
She stays in her room, in her bed, the entire time she's home. She has zero social life, doesn't want to do anything!!! She has zero self confidence! She hates herself!
Anyways, my mom just recently took her to see a therapist (which should've been done sooner). My parents are HUGE church goers! And I mean, omg, it's the creepiest thing I've ever seen!
My sister told me last week that she didn't want to live with them anymore. So I asked my mom if she could stay with me for a few days. After the first few days that she was here, again, she stayed in the bedroom....
I was cleaning up the room and ran across a black book. I know, I know, how dare I invade her privacy, but I needed to know what was going on with her. She stated that she hated everyone, but mostly hated herself. She said she didn't want to be alive anymore, and proceeded to come out about her sexuality. She said she had been talking to this girl at school. She talked about how she wanted to kiss a girl so badly, and make her happy, and be the dominate one in the relationship.

First, I called and talked to my older sister because I could trust her, although she is also another huge church goer (her husband is a minister).
They started begging me to let her come and live with them and they can "cure her from this perversion".

I decided to tell my mom, so that we could figure out what was best for her. (My little sister has no idea that any of us know)
Anyways, my mom FLIPPED!!!! She cried as if her child just died of something. She was outraged. I had to jump in during her meltdown and explain to her how vulnerable she was, and that her sexuality is not what's important right now!! Her life, her safety is at risk. She eventually came around and calmed down. She told me that my little sister had been cutting herself. (My dad, still doesn't know about any of this because he is crazzzzzy)

So, now I have my older sister begging to take her in and send her to a Christian school to be cured.

I have my mom wanting to take her back because she doesn't want to be away from her, even tho she told me she was afraid to go back home.

And myself, I don't have an opinion on homosexuality because I've never been in that position! Who am I to judge her?!?! I would help her find herself, boost her confidence, and even if she found herself, and found that she indeed was homosexual, I would support her and love her anyways! But I'm terrified, if I don't get this right the first time, it could cost her her life!!! And I am not qualified to take this on!! At least I don't think I am, I've never dealt with anything like this.

My parents are struggling big time with money. They have no running water or electricity. I fear that this is going to result in me calling CPS just to insure she doesn't have to go back there, where she will not be able to be herself, and disowned if she does.

I have 2 babies at the moment, I don't have a room for her, we struggle but we make it. I am scared that I am not prepared to take on a suicidal teenager! She's so vulnerable. And my 4 year old son terrorizes her.
But since she's been here, she has opened up A LOT.

My older sister on the other hand, doesn't have much responsibility, so she would have way more 1 on 1 time with her to help her recover. But they are also dead set on their beliefs that she couldn't be herself there either. But I know they would still love her unconditionally.

My heart breaks for her. The thought that she doesn't want to live, she's cutting herself. I just need advice. And I obviously cannot to talk to anyone else about this.

 

[Topanga053]

I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation. It sounds like you are the most emotionally supportive person in your sister's life right now. I am not a psychologist, but a sexuality "treatment" program is not only not effective (as shown by study after study), but I can easily see being in that environment making your sisters depression way worse. If you already hate yourself, why would you want to be in an environment where your own family want to send you somewhere to be "fixed"? If I had to guess, your sister already knows how the rest of your family feels about homosexuality, she probably knows she IS homosexual, and it's either causing or contributing to her depression. I would imagine she needs support and acceptance, not judgment and religious "treatment".

She also needs to continue seeing a therapist. 15 is a tough age no matter what. 15 as a closet homosexual already suffering from severe depression with a hyper religious family has got to be hell. My heart goes out to her. If it were me, I would recommend that she stay with you for awhile. Keep her in therapy. Let her know that you're here for her, no matter what. I might not tell her you've read her diary as it seems like that might push her over the edge, but I might find another way to communicate that you wouldn't judge her sexuality. Maybe watch a show with her with a gay couple (ie Modern Family, the Fosters, PLL) and casually mention during the show that you don't see what the big deal is anyway about same sex couples; they're just normal people.

I wish your entire family luck dealing with this

 

[Eleanor ace]

I've moved your thread to Kids and Teenagers as you should get responses from parents of teens here and this section gets more traffic.

I'm sorry your sister is finding life so hard; 3 years of depression without support from a doctor/therapist must have been so hard especially as she is going through those difficult teenage years. I would tell he that you have read her diary asap. I imagine she'll find out soon from either your older sister or your mother and it would be a lot better for her to hear it from you as I imagine she'll feel hurt otherwise. She also deserves a chance to prepare to deal with your families reactions. This could be a really good chance to reassure her that you love her for who she is, that her sexuality doesn't change how you feel about her and that she has absolutely no reason to feel ashamed of being gay. It must be weighing heavily on her, coming from a very religious family which doesn't support/accept homosexuality so it is really great that she will have your support . Hopefully being able to be open and accepted will help her to open up and will go towards her recovery from depression, along with proper medical support. I can only imagine how stressed you must feel regarding your sisters living situation; it can't be easy at all to consider taking on a vulnerable teenager. Perhaps you can talk to your sister and see what she wants to do, where she would be happiest and what she needs to feel happy and secure. Maybe she would be happy back with your parents (and hopefully something can be done about the heating/water situation; could your older sister help?) but staying at yours on weekends, something like that?

 

[alibaba24]

I'm sorry I have no advice but I did think maybe she's left her diary lying around for a reason. Knowing you may find it. A cry for help maybe

 

[Natasha2605]

I honestly think if you can make it work (and she is willing) then she is better off with you. You can help her to make her own decisions and support her choices, everyone else sounds like they just want to 'cure' her - that will only end badly and your sister deserves better

 

[AngelofTroy]

I think if there is ANY way you can make it work then she should continue staying with you. Your family sound like they will make her life even harder than it is, and she needs 100% support and acceptance right now. I agree she should stay in therapy, and I also think that you need to apologise profusely for reading her diary and for sharing those private thoughts with your family. She might take a while to forgive you for that but she will in time. Be prepared for her to take her anger out on you in the short term. She will still appreciate your support in the longer term I'm sure.

 

[Wannabe Mommy]

Honestly I think it was wrong for you to read her diary and to then disclose the contents to people you knew were unlikely to support her due to their beliefs. So I do think an apology would be in order.

However that is now done and can't be undone so you have to move forwards and it sounds like you love and support your sister which is beautiful.

As she is only 15 unless your parents agree to her moving out of their care I think you probably would have to look at legal means to remove her from their care if you really believe they would be a harmful influence. Do you have any support groups or free medical/psychiatric services you could access for advice on how to support your sister through depression?

 

[cat_reversing]

I second what others have said. You are the best person to help your sister at this time

Maybe it'll make your home life a little difficult and requires a compromise on everyone's part but the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

Eventually, given the right help, your sister should make a recovery and gain self acceptance of her sexuality and will move on with her life, a few years of compromise could save her.
Communication is the key here, although your sister coming out could've been dealt with better, its good that things are coming out into the open so that she can get help during this time.
She can contact samaritans USA https://www.samaritansusa.org/contact.php there are different hotlines for different areas and some have teen hotlines.

Can your sister help out with your little ones? It would improve their relationship, help with her self esteem and show her you trust her and believe in her.

I really hope you can find a solution for your sister and your family.

 

[skyesmom]

i second Topanga on everything she's said. And i am really sorry your family is in such a tough situation.

I think your sister is well aware of her sexuality and also of how that is seen from your family and how unacceptable that is to them - and i do think that IS the cause of her depression. How can she think that the world can accept her the way she is, when her closest family finds it as bad as if she were dead. If I would be in her shoes, I wouldn't wanna leave my room either.

I also believe that staying with you is absolutely THE BEST for her, and the only chance for her to heal. Neither your parents nor your older sister's environment is healthy for her, let alone a homosexuality "treatment" (i live in Europe in a liberal environment and a thought that anywhere in a civilized world there is such a thing as homosexuality treatment, as if it were some sort of a mental issue, literally makes me cringe).

Is there anybody in your circle of friends who is gay? And who is open about it and whom you could casually invite over and that could maybe talk to her? or just for her to see that you're ok with it.

I also agree that she should continue seeing her therapist (but since your mom picked them, please double check that they aren't a huge church goer themselves)...

...my cousin is gay by the way. Being teen, hanging out together and checking the boys out was one of my fave things in those years. The older he got the more he said how lucky he was that our family never made a big deal out of that. Also because of him, i have many many LGBT people among my friends. Two of them have taken their lives because their family and their religion found it unacceptable. They weren't teens anymore, and it was a weight they dragged on since forever and that was unbearable to live with.

No belief on this planet is worth it.

I send all my love to your sister and to you, she is lucky to have you in her life
i wouldn't be surprised if she blooms into a totally different person once she is in a different environment.

 

[Gabrielle22]

Thank you everyone for all the wonderful advice!!!!

The only reason I read her diary is because she has been so depressed for 3 years, and she won't speak to anyone!!!! I was scared for her safety.
And the only reason I told my sister is because I can trust her and I needed her advice. I told my mom because my mom came to my house trying to get her to come back home, I needed a reason as to why home was not the best place for her. My sister told me she was talking to her therapist about what was going on with her, she said "when the time is right, I will tell everyone" which scared me!!!
So I told my mom in hopes that she could vent on me, and when my sister came to tell her, it wouldn't be such a big shock and she wouldn't flip out on her, because that's definitely not what she needs right now.
Unfortunately, all of this took a turn for the worst.
My mom came to my house several days ago, she went into my sister room, without our knowledge, and made my sister give her the passcode to her tablet and read everything she was saying to this girl (the one she likes) about her sexuality OUT LOUD! My mom STILL flipped out on her eventho she already knew (which was the whole reason I told her in advance, so that she wouldn't) I kept hearing my sister in the room saying "mom, please stop reading, just please stop" and she didn't.
She started preaching to her about god and told her she was going to make her go to church!!!!!
My sister and I flipped out on my mom and told her that WAS NOT ok for her to do that given how vulnerable she is! Invading her privacy without her knowledge is one thing, but to make a suicidal teen confront her deepest secret when she wasn't ready could've caused her so much shame and humiliation, what is she killed herself that night!!!!
Anyways, my mom said "well if everyone's gonna get mad at me, I'll just pick her up and take her home"
So I called the cops.....
The cops aloud me to keep her until they got their utilities turned back on, my sister got in touch with CPS and said they couldn't do anything because apparently she's in no danger and isn't being abused.
So now my mom and I aren't on speaking terms at all, she has my little sister back, and I don't know what the hell to do!

 

[cat_reversing]

Oh my goodness, that's all I can say, what a couple of weeks eh?!
OK, so now everything is out in the open. Did your little sister go willingly back to moms place? does she see how you've tried to protect her?
Hopefully she's gained some strength from seeing that you and other sister are on her side and hopefully she can hold on til she's old enough to leave your mom's place.

Maybe she could speak to school counselor?
If she really is sure she can't stay at your mom's, then she needs to get children's services involved, and maybe they can find her a foster place where she might feel better. Obviously the more legal it gets, the more broken the family will be, its hard to come back from it once it's started.

 

[skyesmom]

hey hey! so sorry that the things turned out like this :/ and kudos to you for taking so much care about your sister.

your mom is being incredibly selfish - have no words for her. i also think cops can't really decide if what your sister is going through is abuse - i think a psychologist or child services need to decide that - and i think your mother has been more than abusive, and not only in this particular situation.

i would try to talk to a councilor or school councilor about your situation and ask them how to proceed to get your sister to live with you. what is the minimum age for her to be able to leave your parents without being deported back to them?

would it be possible to have your mother talk to a therapist? maybe even your sisters therapist?

 

[Cerdiwen]

You know as a christian and mother I couldn't imagine my kids not being able to come to me, and not supporting my kids no matter what, and I truly would, but then again I am also not against gay marriage or life style as a christian either, and we go to church..I am so sorry for you sister ..I am so sorry she's going through this!!She should have gotten help, sooner..Being a teenager alone is hard,and then add in everything else too..

 

[Natsku]

I think you should definitely get social services involved. At 15 she will possibly be considered old enough to choose where she wants to live.

 

[DaisyDreamer]

You are right about being vulnerable! Seems like you are the only one who gets that at this point. If you think you can manage it, try to keep her with you for a little bit until you feel confident in her. Sexuality aside, she is experiencing some deep internal conflict and it doesn't sound like living with her parents in that environment is very helpful!

At that age I remember being very confused and lonely and depressed, doing the same things your sister does. Therapy, hospitalization, none of that worked because all I really needed was to feel accepted and heard by my support system. Well, be that support system for your sister and she will find peace! It will be like a day and night difference, believe me! Best of luck to the both of you

 

[tommyg]

What a nightmare!

I agree with the others you are the most supportive person in her life.

Given she is back with your mum I think social services / school should become involved. I find her therapist very worrying she needs a true therapist -not some church amateur who'll spill the confidential beans when the time is right - there is never a right time for a professional therapist to tell what was said in confidence!!!

I think a word with school will not go amiss. School possibly have access to a councillor who can listen to her deepest fears and feelings. She can probably speak to them without her mum knowing.

Hope she is able to get help soon. Your are a fab big sister to her and her best hope of getting help.

 

[morri]

That sounds horrible, I definitely keep your sister at your place. This sounds like something you would hear on homeschool anonymous . maybe contact them for help.

 

[cat_reversing]

Hey, how's things now?

 

[Wish85]

I know how your sister feels. Not the sexuality part but the depression part - especially the hating everyone but hating yourself even more part. When I read that it really resonated with me.

I have tried many things in the past, yoga, exercise, diet, drinking more water, therapy, everything but the only thing that worked for me is medication (antidepressants). I would be a mess without them.

I think if you can make it work your sister should stay with you at least until she gets on top of her issues.