Support from Spouse

[Prayingforno1]

Hi just wondering on this lttc journey what type of support or encouragement do you get from your significant other?

My husband isn't giving me much support thinks I am stressing over nothing but how can I not stress or cry every now and then for something I want with all my heart? He still hasn't done his SA and my doctor told me that based on my test results he sees no problems but can only do so much without dh analysis.

Having a really crummy day today.

 

[Sizzles]

My husband has improved over the time we've been ttc. He used to offer such nuggests of wisdom as 'it'll happen' but I think he has realised that a) that's not helpful, and b) it doesn't seem to have happened, so maybe he's wrong!
Now he's far more likely to offer a sympathetic ear or shoulder and gives me a hug and sooths me when I'm down. He does try to understand me, though I know he doesn't really succeed, bless him!
I don't know how long you've been trying for, but it was over a year and a half before OH had SA done, which was 9 months + after the doctor suggested it should be done and after I'd had all the preliminary bits done.

 

[Prayingforno1]

My husband has improved over the time we've been ttc. He used to offer such nuggests of wisdom as 'it'll happen' but I think he has realised that a) that's not helpful, and b) it doesn't seem to have happened, so maybe he's wrong!
Now he's far more likely to offer a sympathetic ear or shoulder and gives me a hug and sooths me when I'm down. He does try to understand me, though I know he doesn't really succeed, bless him!
I don't know how long you've been trying for, but it was over a year and a half before OH had SA done, which was 9 months + after the doctor suggested it should be done and after I'd had all the preliminary bits done.

Thanks, you made my husband sound somewhat "normal". We have been ttc for about 17months now and DH gives me little nuggets of not so sympathetic wisdom as well that is always poorly timed.

I am a bit emotional today beacuse af came so that isn'y really helping but I just sent DH a message telling him that he pretty much needs to do the test so we can find out if there is a problem there or not. TTC is already stressful and I would like to know what we are up against rather than just keeping my fingers crossed. He replied with an apology for being so relaxed when it is obvioulsy stressing me out and said he will do what he needs to do.

 

[Sizzles]

My husband has improved over the time we've been ttc. He used to offer such nuggests of wisdom as 'it'll happen' but I think he has realised that a) that's not helpful, and b) it doesn't seem to have happened, so maybe he's wrong!
Now he's far more likely to offer a sympathetic ear or shoulder and gives me a hug and sooths me when I'm down. He does try to understand me, though I know he doesn't really succeed, bless him!
I don't know how long you've been trying for, but it was over a year and a half before OH had SA done, which was 9 months + after the doctor suggested it should be done and after I'd had all the preliminary bits done.

Thanks, you made my husband sound somewhat "normal". We have been ttc for about 17months now and DH gives me little nuggets of not so sympathetic wisdom as well that is always poorly timed.

I am a bit emotional today beacuse af came so that isn'y really helping but I just sent DH a message telling him that he pretty much needs to do the test so we can find out if there is a problem there or not. TTC is already stressful and I would like to know what we are up against rather than just keeping my fingers crossed. He replied with an apology for being so relaxed when it is obvioulsy stressing me out and said he will do what he needs to do.

Good. I'm pleased. If he stalls any further with it, you might want to remind him of all the potentially invasive investigations you might have to endure, which could have been completely unnecessary had he just done his bit!
Sending hugs your way!

 

[tlm]

Hi! My dh was the same! We had been ttc for over a year before he did the SA which came back above normal and I have to hear about his "super sperm" all the time now... In the beginning dh thought I was being crazy obsessive about ttc and at times I was, but it's very hard not to be! And the longer it goes without happening the worse you get! He said too "it will happen!" I think it was March of thei year after I had surgery to remove 2 fibroids and stage 3 endo (that we didn't know I had) that he finally understood how I felt! I knew there was something! And all everyone would tell me is that you are young, it's barely been a year and relax!

We are done (and waiting) with our first ivf cycle now and I can say that dh has been amazing support to me through this process! Offering calming words as we did injections and hugging me after each one! I thought that I wanted him to be emotional with me but I have learned that his calmness has settled me and I can tell that he understands how hard on me this all is! And when I real down now he is much more sympathetic!

Good luck!!

 

[MrsAttard]

My DH hasn't been very supportive either, but I've found thas it's bc it's more upsetting for him than he wants to express. For a long while he just didn't understand the process, and what a small window there is for conception.

He's definitely slowed down the process though, and I ended up making his SA appointment for him, and just telling him to go. Once we got the terrible results, I was super upset and he comforted me, but neither of us wanted to dwell on it long. He has moments where he says things like "I think maybe I wouldn't mind if we don't have a kid..." which kills me to hear, but I know he's just trying to convince himself that it would be okay. It's important to him (and me) that we have a happy successful life without a child, so that when we do have one, it'll only get better.

For men, it's different, they don't dwell on things, or understand when something upsets us repeatedly. For them, they get through a situation by keeping busy, or distracting themselves.

 

[arizonagal]

I made an appt for my DH to have an SA the same day my dr suggested it. I know it's weird for guys, but he needs to do this for you to figure out what's going on. You could offer to go to the clinic with him for support?

 

[Prayingforno1]

Thanks ladies. Back in July my doctor recommended DH do a SA, however 2 days before he was scheduled to go to do it, his grandmother passed so naturally I didn't even ask/press him to do it. I figured okay, he'll go and do it August but when I tried talking to him about it he brushed me off by saying I was over thinking everything, do you think it just happens when you want it etc so I was pissed with him and just kind of pushed it out of my mind until AF showed this morning. I know men deal with things differently and I am thinking DH is going to be supportive now after a long text message I sent him this morning, he called me at work and apologized for brushing me off and said when I get home he'd like to talk with me about everything. So I'm keeping fingers crossed this "talk" goes smoothly and he will get the SA done this month.

 

[2have4kids]

I didn't even chat with the OH, the fc did all the talking. We had to come to the first appt together and the doc told me what I had to do then turned and told him. Only once we had done our parts were we able to move onto the second appt. I think there's more accountability this way, when you're removed from the equation and a professional tells our little boys what they must do, it's a whole lot easier!
I hate nagging, I can only think that he's making excuses, blaming you for over reacting and delaying because he's scared of what the results may be. I'm really glad to hear that he's changed his tune for you and offered support in the way of doing the right thing for both of you.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

I went through the same thing with my DH but these lovely ladies rested my fears and reassured me its normal, they aren't emotional as we are and they aren't going to get down and cry with us either, as much as we'd like them too. They have their own way of dealing with the struggles and the internalize everything, because they can't just "fix it". They want us to be happy but they can't control what we are going through and with all the tests and all the disappointment there isn't anything they can do to make it better and thats hard for them to accept. So be patient with your DH and just try to remember that he is struggling with you its just a silent struggle. I know you need the support and I will be completely honest these ladies helped me immensly in just a short week feel so much better!

 

[stayinhappy]

It can be hard for men to be as supportive as we need them to be...but sometimes my husband saying nothing and just listening is REALLY all I need. I appreciate that the months when I dont want to try, he encourages me and reminds me that every month is another chance to try! He constant positivity is very very helpful, especially when I'm not so positive all the time. One interesting tid bit...one month he was telling me to "relax, stop thinking about it, just chill out...", so I turned to him and told him that "this month you are in charge of trying...YOU figure out when, and how, and how often..." well then I think he really truly understood that we cant just "not think about it'.
Now granted, I have relaxed ALOT since the beginning...but we still need to be aware of the fertile days.
Give him time...men and women communicate differently...but I'm sure he is incredibly supportive...in his own manly ways!

 

[green turtle]

My DH is absolutely amazing and totally supportive, but he is still a man and doesn't always get it.

He came home from work one day to find me crying and said "Oh, are we doing this again?"

He is sad that we are having so much trouble, but it bothers me on a daily basis and he just keeps on trucking along. It makes him sad at times, but I have a sad cloud that follows me everywhere.

We deal with it in different ways.

 

[tamithomas]

At first my DH was not very serious about it as he thought there;s no point in getting emotionally frazzled as he thought even though he only has 30% of his sperm that is living, that's still a big chance..come to 3 years later, he's come around completely and just as involved and supportive. Even lets me had a cry on his shoulder once in a while. What really woke him up was my MC. AFter that, that's when he realized TTC is not as easy as we were told it would be. He even asks me when I'm O'ing now.

 

[jessandaj]

My husband is the same way really, the most emotion he showed was blowing up to his mom about his sister being pregnant with her 6th and he admitted it wasint that much him being mad because of his feelings but because he knew i was going to be devastated and did not want to see me hurt over another pregnancy

 

[4magpies]

My other half is a fantastic support. He asks me how my temp is, gets sad with me when AF turns up but also picks me up when I'm down. He always knows what to say. He's my rock.

He's all for the SA which he will be having next month.

I'm very lucky to have him.

xx

 

[jcr1988]

I am with you all!! my DH doesnt get it at all!! he wont do anything to help me out in this, wont do SA, doesnt ask about appointments, he brushes it all off like its no big deal, and its going to happen when its ment to happen. I have had break downs and he says theres nothing we can do about it. im at my wits end on this!! im not sure if being mad or upset will wake him up but i cant not be at this point!