Supporting a friend

[DarlingMe]

Hi girls,
Just popping in for a little advice. I hope no one minds. I have a friend who found out she was PG within a few days of me. I have been talking to her during the whole ttc and she was one of the first people I told when we got pg. She miscarried today and I am wondering how to talk to her. I am thinking it will be hard for her to see me pregnant and in the future with a LO that would be the same age as hers (although I am still early myself). She has great family support so I know she will be strong but I think I will feel akward and selfish now talking to her about anything pg/baby related. Any advice?

 

[grandbleu]

It's a really really really hard situation to be in. I think the most important is to be there for her...just say how sorry you are that she lost her baby and that you are always available if she wants to talk and let out her feelings. Hugs are the best and I don't know your friend obviously but just acknowledging that this little life existed and will not be forgotten is so important. Maybe you could give her a little gift like an ornament this Xmas that would mean something special to her and recognize her baby and her loss forever and shows that you care for this little life.

My sister was pregnant at the same time as me (3 months ahead) and it has been very hard...she had her baby almost 2 weeks ago and it's bitter sweet for me to see them. I would just let her bring up the baby questions/pregnancy questions etc. but don't just talk about it without her bringing it up first.

Tell her to come on here was well on the TTC after a Loss for further support if she needs to when she's ready to begin trying again.

 

[littlebopeep]

Hi my friend said when she started trying that she would find it hard to tell me when she`d get pregnant little did we know she was pregnant when we were chatting it was me who told her to do the test and it was positive i was really upset and cried for days whilst putting a brave face on it shes four months now im so happy for her be as supportive as you can to your friend these things happen for a reason as my mother keeps telling and when she has a baby it will be cutest baby ever!!!!

 

[shelleney]

Hi.
I personally find it really hard being around pregnant people at the moment, so dont be surprised if she starts avoiding you. Its nothing you have done, but she probably doesnt want to keep breaking down infront of you.
Probably dont mention your baby, unless she mentions it first. And feel free to talk about her baby, as it did exist and was her baby for a short while.
Hopefully she will conceive again soon, and while she will never forget the baby she lost, it will make it easier for her - and therefore easier on your friendship
xx

 

[DarlingMe]

Thanks girls for the advice. She is really doing ok for the most part. I kind of thought like you said shelleney, just to avoid the subject of me being pg. She is asking questions about how I am feeling and future plans. She has been really open about her m/c with me. I was one of the few people who knew she was pg. She knows m/c is a big concern for me with PCOS and has been sharing everything with me. She has even called me to talk to me a couple times. She has also said it has given her hope to get pg in the future. Lots of and thank you again for your advice!

 

[Chilli]

let her avoid you, but don't avoid her! yes it'll be hard for her - it was for me, but i still resent those who "abandoned" me when i needed them most and treasure those who held me and listened... and still do even with their new babies

 

[Feisty Fidget]

I think that everyone reacts differently in this situation and it also depends on how solid your relationship is.

When I mc I really began to resent a girl I worked with who was a few days ahead of me. I basically only ever tolerated her before but after we lost ours and she got to keep hers despite doing a lot of things whilst pregnant that I didn't agree with I couldn't hide my feelings. I was never outrightly rude to her but I also avoided her or hearing about her pregnancy. I am not ashamed of my behaviour and believe that everyone will do whatever is right for them.

My other friend who accidentally fell pregnant just after we started ttc was fantastic. I recently found out that when I told her we had lost our sprout she didn't know how to be with me BUT she never lot on to this at the time, she treated me no different then she did before and just let me talk if I needed to. She tried to force her way in which I resented at the time but now am so thankful that she did, I believe it strengthened our relationship. Sadly I have had to return the favour to her

Another buddy on here fell pregnant a month after me and we were both so excited. When I told her the news of our loss she was fantastic and just like my other friend I WANT to hear about the baby and have never resented either of them once.

Bottom line is let them lead the conversation and just be there for them. Also keep checking how they are, if you get the impression they are not upto talking then just send an email or a text to let them know your thinking of them.

xx

 

[MayBaby2011]

i think just let her initiate conversation about your pregnancy. i know its hard. i have a close friend that was a week behind me and now is surpassing me and while i love her to death its just too painful to strike up many conversations about her baby at this point.